Navigating being a parent in front of the same people who raised you is like walking a tight rope. While you may respect or understand the way your parents raised you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to repeat the cycle with your own children. While it might have been easy to come to these decisions, communicating them to your own parents can be tricky. They may interpret your choices as a condemnation of their own. Or in the case of one family, they may ignore your wishes entirely.
More from CafeMom: My Husband Says I’m Making My 10-Year-Old Son Seem Like a Predator by Teaching Him Consent
Laura wants to teach her toddler about bodily autonomy.
Laura H, a frustrated mother, signed onto NetMums looking for answers. She writes that her daughter is getting ready to turn three-years-old. As she’s maturing, Laura woulda like to start teaching her some important lessons about bodily autonomy. For young children, you begin those lessons by making sure they understand that their body is their own and they have the right to refuse hugs and kisses. Sadly, Laura’s mom, her child’s grandmother, is not entirely on board.
More from CafeMom: This Little Girl Told Santa She Didn’t Want To Sit on His Lap & His Reaction Went Viral
Laura's mother is making these lessons impossible.
What makes this conversation so difficult is that Laura’s mom “helps [her] out load with childcare.” Laura is grateful for the assistance. But when her daughter explicitly states that she doesn’t want to kiss or cuddle, her grandmother dismisses her, saying things like: “Don’t be silly, of course you can hug your nanny.” Then she kisses her granddaughter anyway.
'A 3-year-old doesn't know what she wants,' Laura's mother said.
Laura writes that she’s tried to talk to her mother about it but her mother dismisses her as well, writing her off as ridiculous. She went to so far as to say that “A 3 year old doesn’t know what she wants and family should alway get cuddles, etc.” Laura wrote into the forum to see how she should handle the whole thing. She wanted to know if others thought she was being ridiculous. “ I just want my daughter to grow up feeling like she has some control over her own body,” Laura said. She said if others thought she was being silly, she’d drop it. But if there were others who saw it her way, she could use it as evidence to show her mother.
Some thought Laura was being ridiculous.
Sadly, there a few people who agreed with Laura’s mother. “You’re being ridiculous,” one user wrote. “Sorry to be blunt.” Another conflated the issue into something else entirely. “In short, if you’re not happy with the level of care then you can put your child with another childcare provider.” Very dramatic. Someone else said that Laura should make a distinction between safe adults and not safe adults. This type of advice is severely problematic when it comes to the statistics of child abusers being people the child knows.
Others understood this sets a dangerous precedent.
Eventually, some of the other commenters understood the assignment. “If your Mum continues hugging and kissing your daughter even when she says no, she’s just teaching her that no doesn’t mean anything and it’ll happen anyway,” one user explained. “That could be dangerous in other circumstances.” In response to the person who said close family members should be granted affection any time they requested it, someone else wrote: “If your partner or anyone close to you was hugging you and you didn’t want them to at that moment for whatever reason, would you just let them or walk away?” they asked. “You don’t have to hug and kiss anyone. Just because she’s a child doesn’t mean she doesn’t get that choice…”
