When we were trying for our second child, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. Every month my period came weighed on me like a blanket of cement.
I would get triggered easily by seemingly harmless things. From my right to be sensitive around pregnant women to my right to avoid Mother’s Day celebrations, I wish someone had given me these unapologetic pieces of advice.
1. You have a right to talk as much or as little as you want about it.
There were days when I was very upset with myself and I would barely say a word to anyone. I needed time to process what was happening, and not talking gave me the time and space to mentally grieve.
But after digesting my disappointment, that’s when I needed to talk to my close friends and family about what was going on.
During that time of silence, I didn’t want others to think I was shutting them out, and when I did start talking about it, I didn’t want to overburden them with my pain.
Therefore, this right would have given me the confidence to know I can manage my emotions in the way that works for me.
2. You have a right to feel sad.
In a world where #staypositive is promoted as a mantra for those enduring adversity, it’s really easy to get caught up in toxic positivity. Having trouble conceiving is painful.
You have a right to complain regardless of the number of kids you already have, the number of months or years you have been trying, and whether you’re in your 20s, 30s, or 40s.
You don’t need to “correct” those feelings by minimizing them and telling yourself or others you’re fine. You have a right to be upset and disappointed. It’s OK to not be OK.
3. You have a right to be sensitive around family-oriented events, people, and places.
When we were trying, I avoided pregnant people like they were the plague. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I didn’t have. I felt embarrassed about this, however, because pregnancy is supposed to be celebrated as a joyous event.
This was especially difficult when those around me were announcing their news. I wanted to be genuinely happy for them but it was hard not to be envious.
Even seeing a diaper ad pop up during my YouTube workout affected me. I had to unfollow all things related to babies and pregnancies.
From avoiding playgrounds to limiting Mother’s Day and Father’s day celebrations and declining baby showers and kid’s birthday parties, you have a right to be sensitive to anything that may remind you of your pain.
4. You have a right to tell people not to give you unsolicited advice and/or success stories.
“Have you tried meditation?”
“How often are you trying?”
“I heard my friend got pregnant after they became vegans.”
“Relax and try not to think about it so much. It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
Maybe it was the people pleaser inside of me, but whenever someone started giving me unsolicited advice or sharing what other people did to get pregnant, I just sat there listening and stewing in annoyance.
Infertility isn’t a simple problem that can be easily fixed like a hangnail. As well-intentioned as the comments are, they are actually frustrating and unhelpful. You have a right to set and maintain certain boundaries when having conversations about this topic.
5. You have a right to seek professional help without judgment and criticism.
Some women don’t feel comfortable sharing their struggles with friends or family so they deal with them in secrecy. Sadly, stigma still exists for those who get help for fertility issues.
Struggling to conceive takes a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Whether it's consulting with a fertility specialist, seeking help from a mental health professional, or attending couples counseling, there is no shame in getting help from a professional.
*Disclaimer: The advice on CafeMom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
