Things can sometimes be complicated when people begin a relationship with someone who already has kids. There could be an ex who hates you and doesn't want you around. Or maybe your current partner doesn't want you involved with disciplining her children. Perhaps you don't get along with your partner's kids, which can make for a pretty uncomfortable situation.
But what if you only get along with one of the kids? Is that OK? Can a relationship work that way? One man went to Reddit's AITA forum to find out.
The Reddit user and his wife have been together for five years.
The original poster, 41, and his wife, 39, have been together for five years and married for two. She brought two children into the relationship a son, James, 15, and a daughter, Becky, 8. OP met the children about six months after the relationship began.
They all moved in together after about a year. Becky recently approached OP and asked him to adopt her. He was delighted, but didn't plan to adopt James, too. That is where the problem started.
Becky approached him about the adoption.
It is unclear where the children's father is, but Becky wants OP to be her father. He said that he has been with her since she was a small child and she has always thought of him as her dad anyway. This is all great and happy, and he is thrilled. James doesn't quite share the same feelings for OP though.
"If Becky thinks of me as her dad then James absolutely does not," he explained. "He's never liked me and has no interest in bonding with me. He won't come on one-on-one days out with me and never really has, will barely speak to me, doesn't want me to come to his school sports, doesn't want me to know about his life or his friends or his hobbies etc."
He is no longer pushing the issue.
James shows no interest in OP being around, so OP has essentially stopped trying. He doesn't want to adopt James because he doesn't think James wants to be adopted. His wife is hurt by the whole thing and has expressed her feelings quite clearly, and she thinks he's the a–hole.
She says things like, "You'll be excluding him from the family if you don't," "How could you be so cruel and heartless" and, "You're not the man I thought you were."
OP gets that James is just a kid.
OP is not oblivious to the fact that he is dealing with a kid. But he is so uncomfortable with the situation that he hasn't even asked James if he wants to be adopted. And far as he is concerned, it is a "moot point anyway." He is questioning himself because although he loves him as his stepson, it doesn't go beyond that.
His wife said that it was all or nothing.
Now, OP's wife said that if he wants to adopt Becky, James is part of the package, too. She said that she wouldn't be able to trust him to treat the children fairly. He doesn't want to break Becky's heart, but he doesn't want James as his son. So, he asked, AITA?
People think that he needs to talk to James.
Even though he thinks that he knows what James is going to say, Redditors agree that OP needs to talk to him about it honestly.
"NTA, but only if you ask James what he wants," one person suggested. "Even though you are 99% sure of his answer, maybe you'll be surprised what doors open now or in the future just by you asking."
But they warned that OP and his wife need to be careful about how they word things.
"Yeah if James is told that Becky's adoption is predicated on him also agreeing, it will come off as extremely manipulative and trying to force him to agree to something he doesn't want for his sister's sake," another person commented. "Adoption should be offered to James but should be entirely his choice, and should have no impact on whether Becky gets adopted. He's 15 and his mom needs to respect it if he doesn't want to be adopted, and let Becky be adopted if that is what she wants."
Some people told him he needed to be careful about the legal aspect of things.
"I think people are focusing on the picture perfect complete family when adoption is important and comes with legal ramifications," one commenter warned.
People made points about whether James' father was alive and what would happen if their mother died. Would the kids end up separated if he didn't adopt him? What is going on with child support? Is there any? If the parents were incapacitated, the kids would have different next of kin. It is all kind of a legal nightmare.
Lots of people think that this falls on James.
There were a lot of comments supporting OP and saying that James is old enough to make his own decisions about being adopted. But then again, the mom is being unfair if Becky's adoption is predicated on James agreeing on adoption himself.
"If Becky gets even a hint that her request to be adopted hinges on James agreeing to be adopted as well, things are going to get very nasty between the siblings as Becky tries to guilt or pressure James into agreeing," a commenter noted. "Thanks mom for pitting your children against each other instead of respecting them as individuals with wishes that are exclusive of each other."
Most people say that OP is not in the wrong.
Redditors agreed that OP's wife is the one being an a–hole. OP is in the middle of a sticky situation that will not likely make all parties happy. Many did suggest that he talk to James and see what he has to say, but his wife has to be ready for the answer.
"Nta, James is old enough to be an active part of that decision," one person commented. "If you want to appease your wife, call a family meeting and ask James in front of her if he is comfortable being adopted by you. If he says no, tell him that you respect his choice. Your wife should respect his choice as well."
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
