One of my all-time favorite quotes (as it specifically relates to relationships) is “people change and forget to tell each other.” I believe that, one of the greatest causes of divorce is folks thinking that their spouse — and themselves — are going to (and even should) remain the same way they were on their wedding day. Marriage doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.
And that’s why I think it’s super important — critical even — that married couples take marital inventory. Honestly, a few times a year is wise. But at least try to do it once a year.
Because this is the time of year when folks are focusing on things like resolutions and goals for the new season, let’s look at seven relational inventory-related questions that you and your partner should ask each other before another New Year's ball drops.
'Do you feel like I prioritize the relationship … and you?'
When you signed up to get married, something that comes with that is making your spouse a priority — a top priority, at that. Two definitions of that word are “the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence” and “something given special attention.”
Unfortunately, a lot of people, quite frankly, suck at doing this. They think that everything from their job to their kids (many folks prioritize their kids over their partner because they can control their kids more than their partner; we’ll have to discuss that at another time) to even their pets when the reality is that their wedding vows typically lend to the fact that if anyone is going to be sticking around long past retirement, children moving on and starting their own families and pets dying — it’s their partner.
The interesting thing about this question is, you don’t get to determine all by yourself if you prioritize your partner or not; they also have to let you know if they feel like they take precedence over others and receive special attention. The reason why I say this is because, if what you’re doing doesn’t resonate with them, it doesn’t really do them — and ultimately the relationship — much good.
So yes, when it comes to taking relational inventory in your marriage, this is a solid place to start.
'For the most part, were your needs met?'
A need is something that someone feels is necessary. A need is also a requirement. Some synonyms for need include “asked for,” “suggested,” and “lacked.” Keeping all of this in mind, ask any healthy married couple of more than a decade and they will probably tell you that one thing that marriage will do is humble you — not only that but it will show you where all of your selfishness lies.
That said, something else that you can’t do is dictate what someone else’s needs should be, just like someone else is unable to do that to you. And so, if your partner thinks that something is lacking or necessary, because you signed up to meet their needs (by the way, the needs should be yet that doesn’t always or automatically mean that you have to agree with their perspective), that is something that must be taken seriously.
And if they express that certain needs went unmet, what also needs to be put on the table is No. 1 were the needs clearly expressed and, if so, No. 2 why did they go overlooked? It’s hard for anyone to remain in a dynamic where what they need is rarely met. Before you challenge what I just said, think about how it would feel — or does feel — to be on the receiving end of experiencing that.
'Over the course of the year, have your needs changed?'
I once read that people, on average, change their jobs around every three to five years. There are also articles that say that over the course of a lifetime, a person’s personality can totally change as well (one article said that this happens every seven years). This very well may be why, when the story of Adam and Eve is told in the Good Book, it doesn’t say that they are one because they are married; it says that the two shall become one — becoming is a process until death parts two individuals (Genesis 2:24-25).
What all of this boils down to is you shouldn’t assume that the needs that your partner had on your wedding day, two years ago, or even at the top of this year are exactly the same now because, if they are doing life right, they’re growing and evolving and that means their needs are, too. So, definitely don’t assume that just because you’ve been doing what you’ve always done and it seemed to have been working before that it is working now. If they’re different, their needs may be as well. Talk about it.
'How would you rate our sex life?'
The reality is that a lot of people’s long-term relationships suck, as it relates to sex, because there is so much ego in their bed that they can’t comfortably fit in it. SMDH. And so, it’s not good enough to simply think that just because you have sex with your spouse that it’s good sex. Yeah, the only way you will know is to ask them — on a scale of 1 to 10, “How would you rate our sex life?" Then following that up with, “Why would you say that?" And then humble yourself if the answers aren’t quite what you would expect.
You know, something that never ceases to drain me is working with couples (especially wives in this case) who said that their partner cheating is an immediate deal-breaker and yet, when it comes to intimacy, it rarely happens and/or it’s subpar, at best. Listen, when someone signed up to have sex with only you for the rest of their life, this means that they aren’t ridiculous for wanting the kind of sex life that is fresh, fun, and consistent.
If your sex life is currently a “5” right now in your partner’s eyes, that might be hard to hear. The good news is knowing this can spark up a dialogue that can help the both of you to make improvements (and even seek some counseling/therapy, if needed), so that you can get your relationship on track and help to make it less vulnerable to … well, deal-breakers.
'Are you bored in the relationship?'
I’ve shared before that a rising reason for why couples are ending their relationship is boredom. They’re sick of doing the same ol’ same ol’. They can’t remember the last time they could use words like “exciting” and “spontaneous” to define their dynamic. Creativity is waning and that causes the relationship to be draining. Hmph. Before you know it, folks are becoming disinterested and that can lead to them compromising their vows in order to find novel things to do to make life entertaining and enjoyable (again).
While it’s certainly unrealistic to think that every single day of a marriage is supposed to feel like a trip to Six Flags, at the same time, it’s super unrealistic to think that anyone wants to remain in something that feels dull, blasé, or tedious.
Asking your partner if they are currently bored in the relationship has the potential to be another “ouch” moment (if they say “yes”, that is) — but it can be a light bulb one because, if that is indeed the case, the both of you can work on how to incorporate new ideas and more fun … and that can help the both of you tap into new sides of the relationship, as well as each other.
Fixing boredom can save a marriage. I am not exaggerating.
'Does being happy or being healthy mean more to you?'
I personally think that it’s an epidemic, the amount of people who make being happy all of the time a mini-god. Maturity will teach you that there are a lot of things that are good for you that don’t make you happy (or happy all of the time) — and they still need to be done.
A good example is exercise. Not everyone is thrilled about doing it, right? That doesn’t change the fact that it helps to keep you at a healthy weight, reduces your chances of being diagnosed with dozens of different diseases, makes you more flexible, improves your brain function, helps you to sleep better, decreases stress, and keeps you more positive — and that’s just for starters. This means that although you might not always be happy to do it, it’s still healthy for you, which is why it’s essential.
Former first lady Michelle Obama recently spoke of how going through 10 years of challenges in a marriage can be worth it if the 20 others are good. People who are addicted to whatever makes them happy will never see life through this kind of adulting lens.
So yeah — it’s always a good idea to ask your spouse if they care more about what makes them happy over what will keep them healthy. And since, according to the Institute for Family Studies: “Married people appear to be healthier and live longer than those who are single, separated, divorced, or widowed. They have better mental health, fewer health conditions, and recover faster from illness.” Well, I’m sure you can see where I am going with this. Right?
'What are some short- and long-term goals that you think we should have?'
A couple who builds together has a far greater chance of going the distance. After all, setting goals and then reaching them helps to strengthen connections, boost self-esteem and see the value of your partner as well as the relationship.
An overall goal should always be to do what is needed to keep the relationship on track. Yet it takes “baby steps” to get there. So, before 2023 rolls around, talk to your partner about what you’d like your short- and long-term relational goals to be.
An example of this could be having a long-term goal of taking an international trip next year with a short-term goal of saving money each month (one way to do that is to invest in a sex jar; you can read more about that here). Goals make you feel like you’re working together as a team, that you’re planning on doing life together for the foreseeable future and that you want to see each other thrive.
A wise person once said that wisdom lies, not so much in having the right questions, but asking the right answers. Pour you and your partner a glass of wine (or hot cocoa) and make the time to ask each other these seven questions. The answers may reveal what you need to make the upcoming year one of the best that the both of you have ever had!
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
