I was recently invited to the second wedding of a dear friend. She's found love after divorce and happiness at the end of the tunnel. But when her first marriage ended, she went through some hard and ugly moments that I was there to witness. In the end, the divorce can turn into a good thing, but going through the process of splitting up is usually quite an ordeal. Disputes about money, child custody battles, and having to move out of a beloved home aren't easy things to have to endure.
For my friend, the hardest part her divorce was handling the money. After 11 years of marriage and owning a business with her ex-husband, figuring out how to separate their money was something more than a little tricky. It involved tears, fights, and multiple lawyers. It was ugly. It took them months to reach a settlement, and she still get mad when she talks about it.Â
I suspect that every divorce is different, just like every marriage is. So any folks who go through it probably have their own highlight reel of crappy days, terrible fights, and hard moments that they wish they could forget. Why is divorce so hard? It depends on who's asked.
I talked to 16 recently divorced women, who all wanted to remain anonymous, to find out what they found were the hardest moments of their divorces. From having to break the news to friends and family to needing to figure out how to start life over, there were plenty of tough times during the divorce process. Read on for some real (and sometimes really sad) stories — the good news being that all these women got through it.
Money Stress
"We got divorced when I discovered my husband had started gambling again. The hardest moment was when I finally discovered just how serious our money situation was. He'd cleaned out his 401(k), our kids' college funds, everything. I was 38 and flat broke. It was horrifying."
Saying Goodbye to Home
"I had poured my heart and soul into renovating our 100-year-old house. I loved that house. I thought I'd live there until I died. Having to sell it and move out was so hard. The divorce didn't really seem real until I walked around the empty house [after packing up]."
Feeling Unsafe
"The hardest moment was when we got into a blowout fight, and I realized I didn't feel safe with him. I never thought he'd be violent but I saw something in his eyes that scared the ever-loving sh*t out of me. I thought he might hurt me."
Seeing Someone Else
"Oooh, it got ugly when I found out that he was taking his 'side chick' on a surfing trip to Hawaii on the week that would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. We were already in the process of getting a divorce but that was still such a d*ck move to me."
Nights Away from the Kids
"My ex and I decided that the kids should always sleep in their own beds [so we'd take turns at the house]. The first night I had to leave the house and stay at a hotel was so hard. Falling asleep without my babies around me was really difficult."
Losing a Best Friend
"Before he was my husband, he was one of my best friends. We'd basically grown up with each other since we were kids. Knowing that I was losing my friend and losing my husband at the same time was really devastating."
Getting Fired from the Family Business
"I cheated on my husband, and he found out. That was bad and hard. But I was also working for his family business at the time, and his dad fired me after my husband told him. I was suddenly unemployed and my whole life basically exploded. And it was all my fault, which made it worse."
Feeling Like a Failure
"I think the hardest thing or moment was when we finally admitted that our marriage wasn't going to make it. We'd worked so hard to save our marriage, had done all the counseling, everything. It felt like such a failure. We just couldn't save our relationship, no matter how hard we tried."
Being Sick & Alone
"We filed for divorce in August. In October, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I basically went through two of the worst things you can experience in life at the same time. I felt so alone. Going to the hospital for surgery by myself basically broke me."
Losing In-Laws
"I was the one who wanted to divorce. My mother-in-law, who I really loved, was devastated and she refused to talk to me. She ended up dying in a car accident, and I never got the chance to talk to her again or to have a final goodbye. I've never cried as hard as I did the day of her funeral, which I was asked not to attend."
Breaking the News to Kids
"Oh man. Telling our kids was for sure the hardest moment. I felt like a failure as a mother. I knew that their little hearts were just broken. It was a gut-punch moment. Hardest day of my whole life."
Losing Custody of a Pet
"My ex-husband got custody of our dog because he belonged to him before we got married. I was so sad to say goodbye to Baxter when my ex decided to move out of state. I still miss Baxter. It was just one more hard loss."
Going Through Pregnancy While Single
"I found out my husband was cheating when I was five months pregnant. Having to face a future as a single mom was so hard. I never wanted that. Never. My pregnancy should have been a joyful time, and it wasn't because I was so sad and angry."
A Child's Custody Choice
"The hardest moment was when my daughter decided she wanted to live with my husband instead of me. It made sense because his place was closer to her school and job, but it still hurt so much. I felt like I was losing her too."
Loss of Faith
"My divorce was a big hit to my faith. I was raised to believe that divorce is never an option. And then it was happening to me. I felt so judged by the people in my church and really wasn't supported at all. The first Sunday I just didn't go to church was a hard day."
Fighting in Front of the Kids
"My worst moment was when my ex and I were fighting about something, and we started yelling. My daughter ran in the room and was bawling. She begged us to stop fighting. It made me feel like trash. Just trash."
