Grief can make us do impulsive things, but is there a way back if you cross a line? That was what one husband was wondering after finding out that his grieving wife had just slept with her son's biological father. The indiscretion happened when they both were consoling each other after the death of their child, but to her current husband, there is no question that he must leave her for cheating, despite her begging for forgiveness. Is there a realistic way that the two can part as friends?
Things started to fall apart for the couple after the death of the writer's 12-year-old stepson.
In an anonymous post on Reddit, the grieving stepdad explained that the 12-year-old boy recently succumbed to a chronic illness that he's had "for almost his entire life."
"I loved him from the moment I met him and it feels like my world is falling apart," he wrote.
Meanwhile, his stepson's biological father had barely been in the picture. "My stepson's biological father didn't often see his son nor does he generally get along with my wife, mostly just coming whenever he felt like it and taking him out for a few hours," he explained.
However, those old grievances went by the wayside at his stepson's funeral when both of the boy's biological parents consoled each other at the service. Although the man understood that they have a bond as the boy's biological parents, "it hurt as I'm also struggling greatly and felt like a parent to him as well," the man admitted. But he was willing to let the diss slide until after the "dust cleared."
But he never got the chance. Instead, only days later he found out that his wife and her ex slept together.
A few days after the funeral, his wife met up with her ex to "discuss their son's belongings, photo albums, etc."
"Long story short, my wife came back in tears and confessed that while at his place, they slept together and it wasn't planned and begged forgiveness," the grieving stepdad wrote. And the betrayal was just too much to bear. He wrote that his mental health was "hanging on by a thread, and the loss of both a child I considered a son and a betrayal by the only person I had to lean on is too much."
That is why he's decided to leave his wife over her mistake. "I know she didn't intend to hurt me, and that she's a good person who was hurting and looking for comfort," he continued, adding that he wants to try to leave as friends.
"My question is people who have left their spouse, especially during difficult times, and remained friends, how did you do it?" he asked. "What steps did you take to end the romantic relationship with no bad blood and transition into a different type of relationship with them?"
He wrote that right now he knows his wife is "extremely vulnerable and feels completely alone," so he wants to know how to leave "someone in that position and tell them I want a divorce while still making it clear I care for them and am willing to be a friend in their time of need? Lastly, if any of you have ever lost a child, how did you start to heal?"
Many people advised the man to get some professional advise to help him deal with his wife's infidelity.
"Get a therapist. It will help a lot to have someone to talk to," one person advised. "Don't even try to salvage a friendship right now. You're not responsible for saving her from her mistakes, and you shouldn't do it at the cost of your own wellbeing. She made her choices."
"Couple’s therapy might help, it is not only for trying to heal a relationship but also for those trying to navigate a breakup. I can’t even try to understand what you are going through, hope your heart heals and know you are not alone," wrote someone else. "Don’t make decisions in this state of shock, take steps to protect yourself emotionally and find help to endure this pain, while you regain enough peace to think rationally."
And one person urged him to get off of the internet and into a therapist's office. "I would get a therapist now," the person wrote. "To be honest, I would not be taking advice from people on a random Internet forum with this emotional and complex of a situation. This is way above Reddit's pay grade and you may say or do something you regret (whether it be staying, or going scorched earth, or whatever). You need to deal with the loss of a child and the betrayal of your wife by talking it out with someone long-term. This is like emergency level, get a therapist NOW. Get off here and go get some real help!"
Other people supported his decision to get out ASAP and not look back.
"I would not trust her again. She had no respect for your feelings," one person commented.
"Your only concern should be getting out and getting away from her," someone else agreed. "She had someone to support her through her grief. She decided to ignore that person and then cheat on him. Let her go back to her ex. Grief doesn't make you cheat on your husband. Being a (expletive) person does."
"It’s not your problem to be supportive anymore," a third person chimed in. "It’s her new lover’s job. Just go."
No matter what the man decides to do, therapy is probably good for him to figure out his own feelings. He can decide what to do about his relationship with his wife later.
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