Why Is My Wife So Angry All the Time? Here Are 3 Valid Reasons

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Ah, that wonderful period in a marriage when neither partner can do no wrong. It’s called the "honeymoon period" for a reason, after all. But eventually, reality sets it and that rose-colored tint wears off. Husbands might find themselves asking this question more often: "Why is my wife so angry all the time?"

Even the tiniest things tick her off. The kid drops crumbs on the floor: BOOM! Anger mode enabled. Someone forget to pick up milk? Death glare on and target acquired. Helper missed a spot while dusting? Rage! The average husband might shake his head, unable to understand why she goes ballistic over such "tiny" issues.

Husbands, we understand the confusion, and that’s why we’re here to help. We explain the answer to this question, Why is my wife so angry all the time, including the differences in how women experience anger and how to help her find her chill.

Understanding anger in women.

Husbands: In order to understand why wives seems to be angry all the time, you need to understand some key differences in this strong emotion between males and females.

It’s commonly accepted that men get more angry than women, but this is not true. Research shows that both men and women experience anger at the same frequency. It’s how they express, however, it that is different.

In a nutshell (and across cultures), generally, men are encouraged to display their anger openly while women are encouraged to hide theirs.

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Psychologist Sandra Thomas explains. Traditionally in men, anger is seen as a "masculine" quality, and so physical fights are seen as "manly" and a sign of virility.

But "for girls, acting out in that way is not encouraged. Women usually get the message that anger is unpleasant and unfeminine," she says. And because of this, a woman’s anger is often directed into other channels, such as sulking.

In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, which involved 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66.

This study revealed three roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice, and the irresponsibility of other people.

Women also experience and show their anger differently than men. Another study found that women stay angry longer, are more resentful, and are less likely to express their anger

Now that you understand these important facts about the emotion of anger in women, let’s answer the burning question of the day: Why is my wife so angry all the time?

She is exhausted from things that might not cross your mind.

Perhaps she’s been running after the kids all day. Maybe she’s come home from work and has been running after the kids.

Has she been up most of the night with the baby? Or is your child going through a clingy phase and refusing to be put down?

Or maybe she’s just so tired of dealing with your toddler’s tantrums with patience and calmness (as parents are supposed to), of keeping her cool.

Your wife could be sick to death of your sassy tween’s even sassier behavior. Did you irresponsibly forget to pick up the groceries she texted you about (and now she has to dash to the supermarket?). Maybe she’s just over telling the helper for the millionth time to wash her hands.

Here’s where the anger comes in. Exhaustion leads to stress, and stress leads to anger. In fact, a survey revealed that stress was seen as a major factor that leads to anger in women.

It’s no wonder that an exhausted, stressed wife is angry all the time.

What husbands can do: 

1. Offer to help, even in small ways. If your wife has settled down to breastfeed, bring her a glass of water and a snack. Watch over the toddler if she’s with the newborn. If the tween (or teenager) is giving out sassy vibes, step in and discipline the child. Don’t forget the shopping. Even better, look in the fridge or pantry, and if you see that you’re out of milk, bread, eggs or anything else, buy it. Remember that historically, women have been “trained” to hide their anger. So prevent that simmering pot of emotion from boiling over by remembering to help.

2. Find ways to ease her stress. This could be as small as a neck and shoulder massage (without her asking for it) to ease some of the tension or giving her a day off, even better a week, to do whatever she likes, minus the kids. Be creative!

3. Acknowledge her tiredness. Don’t turn a blind eye to her exhaustion or just sit there playing games on the phone while she’s almost passed out from exhaustion. Sometimes just asking “You must be so tired. Is there anything I can do to help?” helps bring calmness.

The injustice of invisible labor is real.

Office work, the kids’ homework, lunch/snack boxes, groceries, doctors’ appointments, fever readings, medicine dosages, when baby last breastfed, birthdays, birthday parties, vaccination schedules … 

Are you tired just reading this list? Well, it’s only the tip of the iceberg in many women’s worlds. This is what is called invisible labor.

It’s true that the division of labor in the home between genders is gradually equalizing. But it’s also true that women (wives, mothers) typically still take on more household and parenting chores.

Invisible labor doesn’t just take a toll on your wife’s body. It bears a cognitive and emotional burden, too. And that can be as devastating as physical exhaustion.

Along with this unseen work naturally comes a sense of tiredness (accumulated over years, even), resentment, and yes, anger. 

What can husbands do?

Appreciate the invisible labor a wife handles. Make it visible to and tell her how much all she does is appreciated. Understand why she might feel so tired even though she’s just woken up from a nap instead of wondering how this is even possible.

1. Take it one step further and share that invisible labor. Take some of the load off her shoulders. Give her confidence that you too can manage the shopping list and the kid’s doctor’s appointments (and more) as efficiently as she does. 

2. Teach children to help. Even children as young as toddlers can help around the house. Here’s a handy guide. Importantly, assign household chores to your sons and daughters, ignoring traditional “guidelines” like girls should learn how to cook and boys to fix a broken tap. Teach both how to do these things.

The powerlessness that motherhood sometimes brings can be overwhelming.

Now, don’t get us wrong. Becoming a mother is an incredibly powerful experience.

But motherhood gives power and takes away power at the same time, which is what men don’t always understand. It is empowering physically, mentally, even spiritually.

Becoming a mother, however, also can take away a woman’s autonomy to do what she pleases, when and how she wants to. She loses herself in many ways because her life now revolves around your children.

A mother loses control over her own body. Her breasts don’t belong to her, and her stomach is a stranger’s. She cannot even eat, poop, and pee when she wants to. She may feel bitterness, even disgust, when she sees herself in the mirror. 

Every little decision she makes takes now is determined by the well-being of the children. If she is heading back to work, then perhaps she loses the power she once had to work late hours, more hours, maybe even accept a desired promotion. Let’s say she still works long, late hours or accepts the promotion. There’s the mom-guilt to deal with. 

If she decides to stay at home, then she loses the ability to head out when she wants to, eat what she desires on time, or even drink a cup of tea while it’s still hot. 

Some women take all this in stride.

But others don’t. They might even resent the injustice of it all, and this gives rise to a slow, simmering anger … which is what you, her husband, sees and experiences. 

What husbands can do:

• We understand you cannot give birth or breastfeed. But you can be by your wife’s side as she births your child, you can change diapers, you can bathe your baby and learn how to soothe him, put him to bed, give him a bottle. There’s SO much you CAN do to help. And when you actively play a role in parenting, this empowers both you and your wife. 
• Support your wife in her decisions. Please don’t make her feel bad if she decides to go back to work. If child care is an issue, actively work with her towards a solution: daycare, employ a helper, or perhaps even consider staying at home yourself.
• Ask her about her. We tend to focus on the well-being of our children. But what about their mother … your wife? If your child is sick while you are away, of course you would be concerned about him or her. But remember that your wife must be worrying her head off. She must be up every four hours to monitor your child’s temperature. She is definitely tired. So ask about her.

Women seem like complicated beings, but honestly, we are not. Acknowledge your wife’s visible and invisible labor, appreciate her and support her. Be a team. And eventually, you won’t ever have to ask Why is my wife so angry all the time. We promise you. 

*The purpose of this article is in no way to generalize or discount men. There are innumerable husbands and fathers who contribute equally to parenting and managing households. We love, honor and appreciate you and are grateful to have you in our lives. 

This article with minor edits was republished with permission from theAsianParent

References: Women’s Anger, Aggression and Violence, American Psychological Association

theAsianparent is a publication under Tickled Media Pte Ltd. Started in September 2009, it is the largest parenting website in Southeast Asia, targeted at urban parents and parents-to-be who live in Asia or are of Asian heritage. theAsianparent speaks to every stage and priority of an Asian mum’s journey – from pre-conception to pregnancy, to breastfeeding, and even how to raise smart, strong and kind children.