Gwyneth Paltrow has lately been dominating the absurd corner of the news cycle with her "Gwyneth Vagina" line of products. Goop — her cultish, absurd, new-age online store — has a handful of products in her vagina line. All of them are, of course, ridiculous, and people should probably not take any of this so seriously.
There's nothing wrong with creating a bit of self-love/intimate-bits-worship mystique for women. Men have been behaving as if their bits are full-blown citizens with voting rights for centuries. But the blowback hasn't hurt her any. Brouhaha and lawsuits are terrific marketing, and Ms. Paltrow is raking it in.
This is a free market system, though. And as such, we don't have to pay the high price ($75) of designer actress-vagina scented candles. And anyway, there's a waiting list to get a vagina-scented candle from Goop.
We can have a vagina-scented candle and keep our money (most of it, anyway) too. Because we are smarter than that. And if this is a lark, we want to pay lark prices.
We found some alternatives.
This candle smells like your vagina, not hers.
Gwyneth is pretty, famous, and rich. And sure, her vagina probably smells "funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected." But who cares? Your vagina is the one you've got. It's the one your Valentine wants to get close enough to smell. And it's not like any of this really smells like anyone's actual naughty bits. It's a candle!
So why not get a candle that's personalized to your lady garden instead? This candle on Etsy is perfect for the role.
Best part? You pick the scent. What's the mystique you are trying to create here? Does your flower smell — in this candle fiction — like Merlot? Forest Floor? Love? Or something of your own creation? You — not the Paltrow team — get to decide this.
Also? This candle is $22.50, and it's in stock. So obviously, you are getting this one.
Get him a candle that smells like nuts.
Gwyneth may be getting all the attention for her willingness to print the word "vagina" on ordinary products and sell them for a small fortune, but the men are probably getting jealous. They love it when anyone draws attention to their family jewels.
That's why there is this candle that proclaims, "This Smells Like My Nuts" ($22.50). But let's not assume that this candle smells like cashew or hazelnut.
What does it smell like? That's up to you. Manly Mint? Nutty Nuts? Lumberjack? There are plenty of options.
The custom option
If all of this is too coarse, too predictable, or not quite what you think is funny, you don't have to stick to the script. You can order a candle that smells like whatever body part you want to worship. Just choose the Custom ($22.50) option. Then select the scent you want.
You can probably take this to a place even Gwyneth isn't willing to go.
Psst: If you choose to purchase an item from this post, CafeMom may receive a small cut. Each item and price is up to date at the time of publication; however, an item may be sold out or the price may be different at a later date.
