We all know that toilet paper is a hot ticket item right now, but have you considered skipping the TP altogether? That was the plan that one woman on Reddit came up with when she bought her very own bidet— but instead of keeping her behind squeaky clean, she learned the hard way that she made a horrible mistake.
"A mild itch soon gradually progressed into an intense burning itchy feeling," she wrote.
The woman thought she had come up with the perfect plan when she bought the bidet.
As she explained in her post on r/tifu, she bought her bidet because of the "toilet paper crisis" and the fact that "Reddit has been talking about it like a gift from god."
Setting it up was easy.
Of course, like any "engineer," the original poster (OP) wanted to test her creation right away.
Let's just say her creation was a complete success.
The OP observed, "I was not prepared to the level of thorough cleaning it offered me. The feeling of fresh water shooting directly on to my anus and along the crack was incredible. It was cool, it was gentle, and it took care of all nooks and crannies with only so much as a wiggle of the thumb."
Yeah, she freakin' loved it.
The OP shared that she felt like "that British king who had a servant that would wipe his butt for him, except mine costs $35, cleans using fresh water, and doesn't judge my quarantined diet."
And in the end, her booty felt "fresh, pampered and smelled good."
But all was not well for long.
In fact, just a few minutes later the OP wrote that something strange happened: She had a sudden and urgent itch — you know where.
She figured she had just gotten a little overzealous with her first time, no biggie. And yet … "it persisted."
"A mild itch soon gradually progressed into an intense burning itchy feeling," she continued. "It felt like if I were to use a very cheap very bad eyeliner."
Then things got so much worse.
"Did I [say] that by the time the itch was killing me, I was in a grocery store?" she wrote. And to make matters worse, she already felt uncomfortable being out in public because of to an increase in racist sentiments. This "already guarantee[d] me a safe and secure social distancing, [but] the fact that I was visibly scratching my a– helped out a ton too!"
What's worse than having an itchy butt? Having to deal with it in a public place.
The OP wrote that she's typically a "polite and mannered person" but not when the need to scratch hit its peak. Any cares she could give "ceased to exist," and she was willing to pretty much do anything to "exorcise this demonic itch from my colon."
As soon as she came home, she jumped in the shower and tried to figure out how the heck things went so wrong.
Was it cheap plastic? Sabotage?
"Nanobots in the water system waiting for a chance to attack us humans?" she joked. "Anyhow, it did not hit me til I opened the lid to check."
The water was blue.
She made one major miscalculation. A month ago, she put a Clorox toilet cleaning tablet into her tank to clean it.
"I don't know if most bidets out there are like the one I bought, but it siphons water from toilet tank instead of from the waterline," she wrote. "Somehow it did not cross my mind when my bum came out smelling oddly good with a hint of lavender and abrasive cleaning chemical. I have sprayed my crack with Clorox."
Some people thought her construction was off from the beginning.
"Bad call. Always get one from the water line," one commenter wrote.
"This is why you don't cheap out," a second commenter wrote. "Get one that not only taps the water line from the toilet, but also the hot water line from your sink. Getting blasted with warm water is amazing."
"Should have installed one that does it from the line directly. The tank water can get all kinds of gross stuff," another commenter agreed.
A few thought she maybe went a little too hard on her first time.
"You're probably using too much water pressure," one commenter advised. "Go a little more slowly, use as little pressure as necessary. Your house pressure generally has a lot to do with how intense the bidet sprays. I have good pressure at my house, and a 1/4 turn on the bidet will practically impale my colon. Gotta turn it on sloooooowwww."
"Good god, this gave me flashbacks of cranking the dial and immediately farting out water," another commenter added.
"I have strong water pressure," a third commenter wrote. "Anything above 1.5 feels like it's gonna come shooting out my ears."
In the end, the OP admitted that she might have been wrong about where the water was coming from, so it's still not clear where the awful itch originated.
But on one thing she's certain: "I still maintain that my new bidet is the best thing that has happened in my life since my childhood bidet and my adulthood [Significant Other]," she wrote. "Get a bidet, it’s worth it."
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