We all have deal breakers in every relationship. Sometimes it's money and other times it's not seeing eye-to-eye about the kids. But one man was nervous that his marriage might be over after his wife of 10 years told him that she doesn't like his smell. Of course, we only have so much control over our natural body odor. Is this a problem that she's secretly had since day one?
In total, the couple has been together for 15 years -- although it hasn't always been smooth sailing.
In fact, as the husband explained in a Reddit post on the r/relationship_advice subreddit, a few years ago they were close to divorcing, but marriage counseling helped them turn a corner.
Sex has been an issue in their relationship for years.
In part because his wife is on medication for her mental health issues, including bipolar disorder, severe anxiety, and depression, that she says "affect her libido." And at one point things got so bad that earlier this year his wife really struggled. She became suicidal and he says she was almost hospitalized.
Of course, that made sex even more difficult.
Their therapist recommended that the wife try a few different techniques to help her get back into the mood, but the husband says his wife wouldn't follow through and the two would end up fighting.
Understandably, things haven't gotten easier now that we're all sheltering in place.
In fact, it's only made the situation more stressful — so they decided to put their "sex goals" on hold and just focus on staying safe.
Last week, the husband thought things were on the uptick. They had a nice day together where his wife was "more affectionate than typical," he wrote. "However, nothing physical occurred," he added.
The next day "I told her, 'I was looking forward to going down on you, but then you came upstairs and were asleep within five seconds of getting in bed. It was precious and I was glad to snuggle you instead,'" he wrote.
"She ended up being very put out by this statement which was a total surprise to me."
The husband apologized but was confused.
But his wife didn't really want to get into it. Instead she decided to leave and stay at a friend's house.
"Monday evening, she tells me that she had an epiphany. She is repulsed by the way I smell to her," he wrote. And not because he's been skipping showers.
"Apparently, [she] just doesn't like my natural pheromones," he continued.
His wife swore that she's always felt this way, despite the fact that she's never brought it up before.
In fact, she told her husband several times "unprompted" that his smell was "comforting and even extremely sexy."
"I handled the news pretty well, but I'm terribly hurt, confused, and a little angry," he admitted.
And now he's wondering if this is problem he can even fix.
With three kids, one who has disabilities, a new house, and of course, the global health crisis, there couldn't be more pressure on them.
"I don't know how we can move forward," he admitted.
His wife doesn't want to split up, but he's not really sure what the answer is to this unique problem.
They've both agreed to go to counseling, but he's really at a loss.
"I'm trying to unpack this enough to not lose myself," he wrote. "Does anyone see this as a surmountable issue? I've heard of and experienced this with pregnancy, but this is different. Also, just curious, is there a way to change my smell?"
Some people thought how the husband smells wasn't the problem.
"I don't actually believe her, I think it's the bi-polar/lashing out," one person wrote. "At the very least this is a NEW thing. It hasn't always been that way. The reality is that she has severe mental health problems and you can't really take anything she says to heart."
"It sounds like she is going through a rough swing in her Bipolar disorder, and even though you said you would put it on the back burner, you still managed to sexualize something that would have otherwise been a great bonding moment, and that was a tipping point," another person added. "It's not even six months into the year. She hit such a low spot in her disorder that she became suicidal that recently, and you're focused on sex instead of your wife's mental health? Come on, man," the commenter added.
"You two agree to put sex on hold but you were hoping you'll have one that night and you made that compliment about sex which it's not ok," a third person added. "If it's on hold it's on hold, you don't point every possible arrow in that sex direction. I would be mad too if I were her…"
The husband later wrote that he was willing to admit it if he made a mistake.
"I truly did mention my desire [for his wife] as a passing thing and focused on just [feeling] lovely about our time together, but I obviously failed to assert that properly," he wrote.
Luckily, they are going to counseling and a therapist might be better able to help him figure out what's going on in their relationship.
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