Finding your footing with soon-to-be in-laws is always challenging. When racist beliefs and behaviors come into play, it's even tougher. A Redditor recently experienced this firsthand when he experienced a real-life version of the 1967 classic film Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. The original poster (OP), a 28-year-old Black man who is engaged to a 27-year-old white woman, took to the Am I the A–hole subreddit to ask if he was wrong to call out his fiancée's brother-in-law on his racist remarks.
The OP explained that historically, family get-togethers have been "interesting."
"Both of our families have said things that were inappropriate, but we both agree her family takes the cake for saying things unintentionally (sometimes fully intentionally in their case) offensive things," he wrote.
Recently, the couple visited the OP's partner's hometown for dinner with her parents and sisters.
"While the women cooked, I was out having a some beers with the other men," recalled the OP. "Eventually someone brought up politics. My spidey sense went off, and I looked in vain for literally any chance to change the subject."
"Of course her dad mentions the riots and protests," noted the OP.
"My fiancée's BIL, Dan, just goes off about how awful rioters are, which I fully agree with, but then he gestured at me and said, 'Luckily, you're not out there doing that, you're one of the good ones,'" wrote the OP. "I know he was making an attempt at complimenting me, but I still felt like what he said was not appropriate. I pretended like I didn't hear it."
Later, "Dan the Man" brought up kneeling during the national anthem.
That conversation managed not to get heated, and the OP said he didn't chime in.
"But then Dan says, 'I was just telling OP outside, that he was one of the good ones,' and the family all agreed. My fiancée looked at me kinda shocked. I then asked, what 'one of the good ones' meant. He said that I knew what he meant, that I had a good job, a degree, took care of my fiancée, and don't have trouble with the law … all of this is really surprising for a Black person."
The OP responded by asking why he thought that was so surprising. The BIL replied, "Well, you know how other Black people are."
"And that's what set me off," wrote the OP. "I told him what he was saying was very ignorant."
The OP noted that Dan's wife jumped in and said that the OP was being rude and "should just take the compliment."
"I then said the compliment was extremely backhanded and offensive," the OP wrote. "Me saying this got my fiancée's entire family involved. A very heated argument ensued and ruined the tone of the dinner. Near the end, her father told me that I was being ungrateful for their hospitality and asked me to leave. I obliged and went outside to my car. My fiancée followed me out and tried to leave with me, but I told her that she should stay because I don't like making her choose between me and her family."
The OP went to the couple's motel and swung by to pick his fiancée up two hours later.
"When I got there, her father and brother-in-laws were waiting out on the porch with her," he wrote. "I got out grabbed her and left. I'm not 100% sure if I handled it well, because my fiancée said that she really just wanted that dinner to go well. And I felt bad for making waves."
He turned it over to the Reddit community to ask if he misstepped.
Overwhelmingly, Redditors reassured the OP that he did nothing wrong and that his fiancée's family are bigoted jerks.
One commenter noted, "Honestly, I think you handled that infinitely better and than most people would. The phrase 'one of the good ones' obviously implies that you’re unique, and most are not 'good ones.' That comment was definitely racist. The fact is it was only a 'compliment' because it disparaged most Black people. It might be worth trying to broach the comment again in a few days with her family to explain why exactly their comment was offensive."
"Toxic people are toxic people," a second Redditor noted. "We shouldn't have to sit back and force a smile when someone is being racist AF to our faces. Dan was out of line."
Another person encouraged the OP to let his fiancée leave with him next time — if there happens to be one.
"It isn't choosing between you and her family, it's supporting the person she loves and showing her family their ignorance has consequences," the person wrote. "If you two get married, she will inevitably have to stand up to her family because it doesn't seem like they are going to accept you. You aren't making her choose. They are."
One Redditor shared that she's Black and her boyfriend is white, which means she has involuntarily become his family's "educator on Black issues."
"The first year of dating my boyfriend was filled with arguments on whether racism was real, how impactful it was, the difference between 'difference of opinion' and 'implicit racist belief,' all of that," she wrote. "You have to understand the position you're in now. You either endure large amounts of emotional labor in a gamble to see if her side of the family will truly understand you and change their mentalities, or you deal with the fact that you may have to cut them from your — and possibly your fiancee's — lives."
She also urged the OP to see the gravity of moments like these, writing, "Black people don't get to chalk this kind of stuff up as difference of opinion, like its who prefers what flavor of ice cream, because we are directly involved and harmed by racist mentalities such as 'you're one of the good ones.' This sounds like it's the beginning of your long haul if you choose it. Please don't ever try to keep the peace by minimizing your reactions to their racism."
Her conclusion sums it up for the OP: "You've got some issues to talk about with your fiancée, her family, etc."
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