In recent history, I honestly don’t know if there is an author who has made more of an impact than Dr. Gary Chapman with his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. People reference it in movies. Folks talk about it in church. I can’t think of anyone personally who isn’t aware of the overall concept. But if, for some reason, you’re not all that familiar with it, the five love languages are based on the idea that we all prefer to be loved in one of five specific ways: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts.
With this in mind, the problem with a lot of relationships is that oftentimes people don’t give the kind of love that others need; instead, they give the kind that they’d like to receive. As a direct result, folks can feel unloved, even if that is not the “giver’s” intent. And when you don’t feel loved, that can result in a breakdown in the relational dynamic — if not immediately, then eventually.
Because I’m a marriage life coach, when it comes to the five love languages, I try to make sure that couples are “fluent” with one another across the board — and this includes the bedroom. Just like some people prefer to have their hand held (physical touch) instead of receiving a Hallmark card (words of affirmation), when it comes to sex, those same individuals may prefer to be cuddled after sex (physical touch) instead of hearing dirty talk during the act (words of affirmation).
Now that I’ve scratched the surface just a bit on how to apply the five love languages to your sex life, let’s explore some other ways that they can be applied when it comes to experiencing physical intimacy with your spouse — so that you both can experience coitus on a whole 'nother level.
Physical Touch
It’s damn near impossible to have sex without touching your spouse. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that everyone who engages in physical intimacy is a physical touch kind of person. In fact, one of the closest people to me thoroughly enjoys sex yet doesn’t like a lot of foreplay and definitely could do without cuddling afterward — and no, it’s not a man. She’s actually more of an acts of service kind of individual, and we’ll get more into that in a sec. Meanwhile, her husband? He’s so physically touchy that sometimes she feels like he’s close to suffocating her.
So, what does physical touch when it comes to sex look like? It’s all about expressing affection through touch — lots of foreplay, plenty of caressing, massages, kisses everywhere, cuddling in afterplay — I’m sure you get it. It’s basically any kind of touching that displays not just love but also attraction, desire, and interest in your partner.
The “tricky” thing to keep in mind when it comes to physical touch as it applies to sex is that it shouldn’t only be used a “bat signal” for sex. What I mean by that is, people who have a strong physical touch love language don’t want to feel like the only time they are touched is when sex is about to transpire. So if you’ve got a partner who is a physical touch kind of individual, make sure you are giving the random hugs and kisses, that you’re doing things like putting your head on their shoulder and getting close to them on the couch … just because. Because the more that you do things like this, the closer (and safer) they will feel and the more prone to experiencing intimacy they will tend to be.
Quality Time
A sex date is perfect for a quality time person. What’s that? It’s a date planned with sex in mind. For instance, sending your partner a hotel reservation out of the blue is a good way to convey the desire for “sexy quality time” because you’re saying that not only do you want to have sex with them (hotel sex is the best!) but you want to get into an environment that will help the both of you to solely focus on each other.
Other examples of sex-related quality time for a quality time person is turning off all electronics and dancing in the middle of the living room (perhaps naked, just saying), playing sex-themed games (check out 40 Kinky Sex Games for Couples Looking To Get More Playful in the Bedroom) and/or being uber romantic like waking them up in the middle of the night to look at the moon or getting them up early in the morning to watch the sunrise (and perhaps engage in some morning sex). A dinner that consists of nothing but aphrodisiacs is another example of spending quality time in this lane.
Basically, it means doing things that involve nothing but spending time with them while also conveying that you want to enjoy intimacy at some point when you do — that works for a quality time person as far as coitus is concerned.
Acts of Service
How in the world can acts of service be applied to sex — especially because it tends to be the more “practical" love language? Remember how I mentioned that a female friend of mine’s preferred language, even when it comes to sex, is acts of service? For one thing, she leans on the side of OCD when it comes to how she likes her house to look. So whenever her husband (who’s also naturally pretty darn clean) takes initiative and cleans up, changes the bedding, makes a romantic dinner, puts the kids down, picks up her favorite bottle of wine, lights soy candles, or gets flowers, this is very romantic and even seductive to her because it’s one less thing on her plate to do, and the more relaxed she is, the more open she is to intimacy.
The main thing that a partner of an acts of service individual needs to keep in mind, whether in or out of the bedroom, is that being proactive wins the game almost every time. Therefore, anything that can be done to make their partner’s life easier is going to come off as sexy as hell to them because their stress levels will drop and their horniness will increase. (Just try it and see!)
Words of Affirmation
Something that words of affirmation folks oftentimes enjoy is dirty talk — and plenty of it. Don’t believe me? When you get a chance, check out the article “The Science of Dirty Talk and Why It Increases Sexual Pleasure.” Because our brain is our largest erogenous zone and since dirty talk “triggers” the same part of the brain as cussing does (by the way, cussing is a sign of intelligence, helps to reduce stress and pain levels, and can make you more creative), it can actually encourage sexual arousal.
If all of this makes sense to you but words of affirmation isn’t your own love language and/or attempting it makes you self-conscious because you don’t feel like you’re very good at it, just keep in mind that you don’t have to sound like a porn actor. (I prefer that term to “porn star.”) Texting your partner what you’d like to do to them or have them do to you is a form of dirty talk. Sharing your fantasies in an email or when you’re alone in the kitchen washhing dishes (believe it or not) is a form of dirty talk. Expressing what you enjoy or how something makes you feel when you’re in the act is a form of dirty talk. Whispering what you like about your partner’s body or sexual techniques before, during, or after sex is a form of dirty talk.
Speaking of that last point — affirmation is super important to all of us but especially to a words of affirmation person, so don’t forget to compliment and even flirt with them. In this context, just make sure you keep the “theme” in mind which is sex. Compliment what they do well sexually. Flirt with them as a form of foreplay. Use your words to get them going. If words are their main love language … it will.
Gifts
Lingerie. A sexcation that’s been preplanned. A delivered lunch or dinner to their job that includes some dark chocolate and wine (both of which are aphrodisiacs) in it. A present that represents a fabulous past sex memory. Sex toys. Edible body paint. New (and sexy) bedding. Flavored massage oils and lubricants (and condoms). Sexy bondage kits. A mirror for the bedroom (if you catch my drift). Pretty much anything that is tangible that involves sex is gonna be a good look for a person whose love language is gifts.
As I close this out, what I will say about this person is how romantic vs. kinky you go is based on their personality. What I will follow that point up with is, the fun thing about a gifts person is that if you want to encourage them to explore new/different/exciting things, buying them a present that expresses where you are coming from can take some of the pressure off of you both.
Hopefully, all of this has provided you with some insight into how to “speak louder and more clearly” when it comes to your partner and their love language. Oh, and so they can return the favor, forward this article to them too.
To me, sex is a peak form expression of love between married people … so yeah, love languages should be spoken all up and through the bedroom. Whew. I can only imagine how much your sex life will improve when you do! Have fun. #wink
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
