“Love is not rude.” — I Corinthians 13:5
Whether you’re married or not, there are enough television shows (like Married at First Sight and articles out in cyberspace on the topic of divorce for you to get a pretty good idea of what leads to a massive breakdown – and breakup. Still, even with all that’s mentioned, I find it rather fascinating that there’s one thing that is hardly ever on any list — although it definitely should be — and that thing is rudeness.
Shellie, are you literally saying that some long-term relationships call it “quits” because one or both people are too rude to each other? Yep. That’s exactly what I am saying.
How ironic is it that while most of us would agree that children should be raised to avoid being rude and to use their manners while dealing with those around them, there are thousands of grown folks who refuse to practice what they preach — especially when it comes to those who are closest to them?
So, let’s tackle some specifics today. Let’s explore some of the things most of us were taught to do as children that we quite possibly don’t apply to our marriage. That way, we can see in plain sight how being rude and lacking manners can lead to the demise of a relationship … if we're not careful.
Greet Your Partner With a Smile
A male friend of mine, who’s been married for almost 30 years now, once said to me that when men go from a “work mindset” to a “home mindset,” being met at the door with a ton of complaints and demands can cause them to “strip their gears.” I got what he meant. That’s why, one of the things that I recommend couples do is to greet each other with a smile, a “How was your day?” and a kiss or hug. After that, they should literally leave each other alone for 30 to 60 minutes. It gives both people time to decompress so that they can refocus on what needs to be done after work.
Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t do this. While they would totally call their kids out if they came home from school with a mean scowl on their face and yelling about what they want from the fridge, that’s exactly what they do when their partner arrives. Thing is, not only is that kind of energy super off-putting, it can also bring in a spirit of negativity that can totally be avoided if both people decided to acknowledge each other with something other than a rolling of the eyes or some sort of grunt.
Ask. Don’t Demand.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, been with them, or how confident you are in what you think they are going to say or do, when you need something, you should always ask. ASK NOT DEMAND. Demanding is offensive on a few levels.
First, it implies that someone should give you what you want, just because you want it. Hmph. As you’re reading this, doesn’t that sound a lot like the kind of temper tantrums that toddlers throw? Demanding is also hella rude because you’re telling someone what they need to do and your partner isn’t your child and treating them like they are is super patronizing and condescending. Demanding is also about expecting people to move on your timetable — and would you want someone to do that to you? I highly doubt it.
Asking is polite because it boils down to you making a request and taking the stance that you would appreciate if the request was met. Now see how different that kind of energy is? You know what grandma used to say, "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar." In this case, demanding is vinegar while asking is the sweetest kind of honey there is.
Say 'Please' & 'Thank You'
I have two goddaughters. One is 11 and the other is 3. Watching their parents teach the little one about “please” and “thank you” is semi-hilarious because, although she gets the concept, sometimes she’s in the mood and sometimes she’s not.
That’s pretty much how we all are. That doesn’t change the fact that saying both things are a sign of having good manners. It shows that we respect who we’re engaging with and we appreciate whatever they are willing to do for us. Now, if you don’t respect or appreciate your spouse and avoiding “please” and “thank you” is a passive aggressive way of expressing that, that’s something that you should speak with a counselor/therapist/relationship life coach about.
In the meantime, if you tend to skip out on the “pleases” and “thank yous” because you think they are unnecessary in a marital dynamic, that is simply untrue. Everyone likes common courtesy. Your spouse is certainly not exempt.
Think Before Speaking
Don’t Interrupt Your Partner When They’re Speaking
The love language of last boyfriend I will ever have in this lifetime (I’m too old for a “boy” anything), was quality time. For him, a part of that consisted of stopping what I was doing and giving him eye contact when he needed to talk about something that was important to him. My top love language is words of affirmation (followed by a close second of physical touch) and so, I didn’t need that. But learning how to slow down and really zone in on his words taught me a lot about giving him undivided attention, being cognizant of my facial expressions, and not interrupting him until he was finished.
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard it before, yet it bears repeating — oftentimes, we don’t listen to process what is being said, we’re simply looking for a break in the conversation to share our own thoughts and ideas. A lot of people are in trouble in their relationship, even as I’m typing this, and it’s because they think their monologues are dialogues. Bottom line, interrupting anyone while they’re talking is rude. This includes the “I’m sorry to cut you off but … ” declaration that some of us making as we continue to keep railroading the conversation anyway. If you’re truly sorry, you’ll stop and let your partner finish — and they’re finished when they’re done.
Honor Your Partner’s Time
It’s a hill that I will die on, partly because I used to be the kind of person that I’m about to “preach” about. Back in my 20s, I couldn’t care less about valuing people’s time. And it really is the truth that one of the most disrespectful things that you can do is to waste people’s time. And yes, you definitely can do that to another person.
Waste: to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return; use to no avail or profit; squander
On your wedding day, when you said your vows, one of the things that you vowed to do was keep your word, right? This doesn’t only apply to fidelity. Indeed, one of the things that marriage should do is help you to develop a stronger sense of integrity which includes doing what you say you’re going to do, when you say that you’re going to do it.
Constantly being late. Not following through with your commitments. Flippantly changing your plans on a whim. Something that all of these things have in common is they’re disrespectful to other people’s time. Your spouse deserves the same respect as anyone else.
Don’t Gossip About Your Partner
Before getting into this point, it should go on record that gossip isn’t always or automatically a lie. Gossip can very well be something that’s true. By definition, it’s “idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others” and if there’s one thing that you signed up for when you got married, it’s to respect the personal and private affairs of your spouse — just like you would want them to do for you. This means that when it comes to things that you know they would prefer to be kept just between the two of you, you shouldn’t discuss it with anyone else. Not your mom. Not your closest girlfriend. Definitely not his mom. Because yes, gossip is rude. It can also cause a breakdown of trust in the relationship and that’s never a good thing.
So, what if you want another perspective on something? That’s a good question and I’ve got a few tips for that.
Ask your partner if they are comfortable with you having a “safe space” to talk. More times than not, your spouse won’t oppose you having a sounding board, so long as 1) they can have one too; 2) the person is supportive of the union; and 3) they prove themselves to be a trusted confidant.
A wise person once said, “Complain to someone who can help you.” This means that you should go to a trusted source who will not “fan the flames” but can provide you with insight that will help to put the fire out.
Only give as many details as necessary. I repeat, no one needs to know everything and by "everything" I mean what could cause your spouse to feel embarrassed, resentful, or humiliated. Even information for the other person to get the gist is the goal.
If you apply these three rules, it will be easier to receive real-time assistance rather than putting yourself into the position of gossiping about your partner.
Be More Positive Than Negative
I’m listing this last, but it could definitely go at the top, too. Is there anything worse than someone going out of their way to treat others with kindness and consideration, only to come home and be a holy terror to those within their household? And yet, this is exactly how a lot of people act. While everyone thinks that they are amazing at work, their spouse knows something completely different because they reveal the worst of who they are to them.
I’m not just talking about attitude and disposition either. I also mean that oftentimes couples are extremely negative toward each other or, at the least, they throw all kinds of negative energy in their partner’s direction. In other words, their spouse gets all of the complaining and glass-half-empty hot takes — and after a while, that takes a real toll.
There is something called negativity bias. Long story short, it’s the concept that we’re “wired” to see the negative side of things before the positive. So, it’s important to be more positive than negative if you want to be courteous to your partner. I’m not saying that it’s easy; I’m simply saying that it’s necessary. Because just like negativity has a domino effect, positivity does as well.
Although there are a few other points that could go on this list, I believe that if you apply these, you will see a real shift in how you and your spouse interact with one another. After all, you love your partner, right? And as the Good Book says … love is not rude.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
