No one wants to be estranged from their family, but many circumstances can cause relationships to become strained or even end. While it can be heartbreaking, it may be the healthiest way for people to live. If a person has decided to move on from their past and create a life and future without a family member, it's no one else's business. Is it? The people involved obviously have their reasoning. Is it so hard to respect that? Well, we all know, some people can't help themselves and tend to stick their noses where they shouldn't.
Major life events, like marriages and new babies, sometimes bring families back together. But even that is not always the case. Some relationships are best left in the past. What if you were planning a wedding and your fiancée had an estranged family member they didn't want to invite?
A man is facing this situation planning his wedding and is protecting his fiancée's wishes not to include her dad. Unfortunately, his mom started meddling and made a mess of the whole thing. The original poster went to Reddit's AITA forum to ask if he was wrong for turning on his mom after she overstepped her boundaries.
OP and his fiancée have known each other for a very long time.
OP, 34, and his fiancée, 29, have known each other for 13 years, and they've been a couple for four years. OP's family knows his fiancée well, and they have become extremely close. Her mom died not too long ago, and OP's mom has stepped up and been very supportive. The pair even went dress shopping together.
"The reason is, that my fiancee has always had a good relationship with my parents, and it grew much closer over the past year, after her mother died. They kind of see her as another child and I know that fiancee appreciates that immensely," OP explained. It's a happy and loving situation.
OP's fiancée and her father are estranged.
OP's fiancée and her dad went no contact when she was 15. She doesn't want anything to do with him as he has caused her intense emotional distress and depression. OP has never met his fiancée's father and has no plans to. Life is working just fine the way that it is without complicating things. Unfortunately, OP's mom can't let it go and wants her future daughter-in-law to have her dad at the wedding.
"My mother however won't understand why we won't invite him. Mum is a retired psychologist. She's had some experience with children-parent reunification and she thinks my financee needs that, even more after fiancee's mom's death. Fiancee and me both have shut my mum down plenty of times. We both made it clear, that this man was not to know anything about my financees life nor would be welcome anywhere near the wedding. For a while, my mum shut up. My mum doesn't know fiancee's father," he wrote.
Wouldn't you know it? OP's mom went rogue.
OP and his fiancée were stunned when the family got together, and his mother announced that she had invited his fiancée's father to the wedding. She seemed pleased with herself. Not surprisingly though, this was completely unappreciated.
"My family was appalled and angry, they all know what has happened. My fiancee somehow remained calm and told mum how inappropriate that was, how mum hurt my financee terribly by stepping over the one boundary she ever had. How fiancee had lost all her trust in mum after this. I then uninvited my mom and we left. Fiancee only broke down at home," he explained.
Now, OP's mom is heartbroken.
Again, no shock. OP's mom is devastated that she has been uninvited to the wedding. She has called OP incessantly, but he is not breaking. His family thinks that he needs to give his mother the benefit of the doubt and talk to her, but he isn't interested.
He is standing behind his future wife and her feelings and wishes. Is that the wrong thing to do, or should he let his mother come and make amends?
OP's mom should have stayed in her lane.
Reddit doesn't appreciate what OP's mom did, and people think she needs to be held accountable. This isn't the time to put on her doctor's cap.
"NTA. Your mother is a terrible psychologist," a person commented. "You don't 'treat' people that have not consented to be treated, that is abuse, and an excellent way to re-traumatize someone. I shudder to think how much damage your mother has caused in her role of mental health provider."
"There's a reason psychologists, like medical doctors, are not supposed to treat family," another wrote. "If she's any good at her job she's probably warned hundreds of people away from family that boundary stomp the way she has. At best, she's a hypocrite, at worst, she's delusional."
"Nta and this is why I purposefully chose a younger therapist to help me," reads another comment. "Older ones are least likely to have new psychological field knowledge. Literally same theory goes for any doctor."
Another person had some suggestions: "Then ask your father. What is mom going to do to make up? Is she going to pay for a new wedding? Is she going to pay for you to move? So fiancee's father no longer has information? What is she going to do. To fix the problem she created. Because she just had to meddle. Where she was told not to."
Redditors agree, it is perfectly OK for OP's fiancée not to want her father there.
OP's fiancée obviously has a real issue with her dad, and she is entitled to feel that way. She should not have such an important day in her life ruined because of someone else's wishes.
"If you cancel everything and lose a lot of money on it, it would probably still be better than the emotional harm a sudden encounter with her father would do to her and you," someone commented.
"Your fiancee has reiterated her decision about not having any kind of relationship with her father," noted one commenter. "Your mother should've dropped it and respected the decision even if she doesn't agree. Reconciliation, of any kind, is viable if only both/all parties agree to give it a try. She is blinded by her own wishes and desires. If she was still practicing this is a violation she could've lost her license for."
Reddit thinks that maybe they should just cancel the whole wedding.
It may seem rash, but OP's mom has made such a mess that some think the only thing to be done now is cancel the whole thing.
"NTA. Cancel the wedding and go and elope instead," one commenter suggested. "That kind of betrayal would be enough for me to consider going no contact with my mum. It wasn't just a small mistake or an oversight. It was a deliberate action to trample boundaries and to push an agenda you had made very clear you and your fiancee had no desire to pursue. As a retired psychologist, your mother should have known better then anyone just how damaging the actions she chose would be to your financee, and to any existing relationship between the both of you and herself."
"If I were in your position I would absolutely cancel the wedding and rearrange for a different date and venue and not share this information with your mother," another wrote. "No-one can turn up uninvited if there is nothing to turn up to."
And if they cancel, some think they should slip OP's mom the bill. Someone else commented: "I'm so sorry. I'd reschedule the wedding so fiancée can feel 100% safe and send any invoices from the cancellation of this one to your mother. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and marriage."
Where does this leave things?
OP updated Reddit and said that he has received apologies from his siblings and father trying to cover for his mother's behavior, but he still hasn't talked to her. He's hesitant, anxious, and still confused. Redditors realize this is a lot on OP's shoulders — no one would want to be in his position. Some think it may be time to be a little selfish.
"Please consider eloping or moving the wedding date/location," another person suggested. "You both deserve to enter your marriage in peace, not fear and sadness. I am so sorry for what your mother did. She'll be making this up for a long time."
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