When you're adopted, you might find yourself with questions. You may want to know more about your birth family. It could be anything from why they chose adoption to what their family was like or even their hair color. It is different for everyone; for some, it can cause fear.
A man is facing a challenge with his fiancé, who was adopted. She is concerned that because she was adopted and doesn't know much about her past, she and her fiancé could be related. The man posted in Reddit's AITA forum because he thinks this is ludacris and refuses to take a DNA test to ease her fears. He doesn't want any company to have access to his private information. Does putting his foot down make him a jerk?
The original poster's fiancée became paranoid because of an article she read.
OP's fiancée has had no contact with her birth family and knows nothing about those relatives other than that her mother was a known prostitute with many partners. She read an article about a couple, who were both adopted, who found out six years into their marriage that they were biological siblings. Now she is panicked and wants to take a DNA test to help ease her mind.
OP disagrees. He asserts that his parents were faithful to each other and there is no way they are related.
"I think she's being ridiculous. I don't want to waste $200 on us getting tested," he wrote. "I don't want to have my DNA sitting in some database where it can be hacked into. I also don't want my data sitting on a website where anyone 'connected to my tree' can find me. It weirds me out."
OP doesn't want to know anything about his fiancée's past.
For some reason, OP thinks that if his wife is tested, they may find out that she is related to bad people, and he doesn't want to know.
"I also don't want half of my future kids genetic makeup sitting in some 'confidential' corporate database," he wrote on Reddit.
The argument continued, and OP told her that she was being disrespectful to his family by insinuating that someone in his family was unfaithful and "abandoned their child."
Yikes.
She left and now won't take his calls. Did he cross the line?
What is the big deal?
Redditors don't get OP's thought process at all. Why is it so important to him not to take the test? What does he have to hide?
"F off and let her marry someone whose ready to face any possible skeletons in life as well as the good. Go hide in your proverbial closet, who cares if your family had skeletons?" someone commented. "You that scared of life? Why are you pretending you're ready to take on someone else's?"
"YTA OP. There are other options besides 23 and me and Ancestry. There are many reputable labs you can use to have your DNA tested without the rigmorole of Ancestry or 23 & Me," another person wrote. "Usually, it's less pricey if it's not for court. All you had to do was research it before starting a fight and taking a hard no stance."
"I think it's worse that he thinks anyone who's kid ends up available for adoption is automatically a deadbeat. Heaven forbid your caregivers ended up dying or disabled, apparently you're still a deadbeat. What a judgemental d—," reads another comment.
OP's fiancée has every right to want to know about her genetic makeup.
Whether OP goes through with the test or not — which it sounds like his future marriage depends on — he can't force her to never get tested.
"YTA: purely because you're mentioning that your fiancé shouldn't be tested. She's the one that doesn't know anything about her birth family. Even from a medical POV, it would be good to know what she's been predisposed to," a Redditor pointed out.
"So OP has the right to deny the fiancée testing her own DNA? He's not just refusing the test for himself but for her as well," another person agreed.
"YTA — you don't have to get your DNA tested, but the fact that you are so unsympathetic to your fiancé's situation is mind boggling to me," one person wrote. "You don't want to find out that your fiancé's biological family, THAT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW, might have skeletons in their closet.
"Why? Is it going to make you see her different?? I don't get it," the person continued. "And that half of your potentially future children's dna could possibly stored in a database seems pretty paranoid."
Sorry OP, but you can't control someone else's choices.
Redditors overwhelmingly agree that OP is in the wrong. Not only is it horrible that he is trying to force her not to test to ease her mind, but also it is equally as bad that he thinks he can control her decisions.
Many agree this is a recipe for a disastrous marriage in which one person thinks they are the boss and will manipulate their spouse to make decisions for the family. OP, do your fiancée a favor and walk away. She deserves the respect you seem unwilling to give.
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