Relationships with in-laws are often complicated. Even in families that get along, it's easy to create problems and arguments when the family is only yours through marriage. And when you're dealing with your partner's family, you have to have your partner on your side before every interaction. Sometimes, even if you do, things will still go wrong.
This becomes even more true when you have kids. In-laws are notorious for not respecting boundaries when it comes to the grandkids, which always makes it harder. But you just have to stand your ground for the sake of your kids.
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A mom had to set boundaries with her in-laws about visits with her toddler.
A mom took to Reddit's AITA forum to ask for opinions about the way she chose to deal with her fiancé's family regarding visits with their toddler.
"I sent a mass group text to my fiancés family about overstepping our boundaries with our 18mo daughter. For context, this has been an ongoing issue for months. Everyone on his side of the family wants alone time with her at their homes, but we’re not comfortable with that until she can speak," the woman explained.
Her text message was straightforward, but doesn't seem unkind.
Her text read:
“Hello everyone, I would just like to address a reoccurring issue as of recent. I would like to remind everyone that NO ONE has been given the option to watch (Daughter) at any house, event, or in any environment other than the comfort of her home. This has been something that we have made everyone aware of, but we somehow continue to run into this issue. So, just so everyone is on the same page. (Daughter) is not staying at anyone’s home without us present unless we say otherwise. (Daughter) is not going to any event without us present unless we say otherwise. We ask that you respect our choices as her parents, and not question or pressure us to reconsider a firm boundary we have set for our daughter. I’m sending this with as much love and compassion as possible, please respect our wishes. Have a great weekend!”
Her future MIL let her have it in response.
"I really expected everyone to agree and move on," the woman wrote, "but of course my MIL couldn’t have that."
"She responded with a very long message claiming that she’s had enough of me. This is the first time I’ve ever commented on something they’ve done to upset me, I’m normally pretty easy going. She commented on how I was the reason she doesn’t have a good relationship with her granddaughter, and that everyone has to 'walk on eggshells' around me out of fear of never seeing my daughter. There’s so much more to this story, but there’s a character limit. Was my message rude or indicate that I didn’t want them around my daughter?" she asked.
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People overwhelmingly told her she wasn't not in the wrong.
One person wrote: "NTA. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare, and like SHES the one everyone needs to be walking on eggshells around. I don’t think your message was rude or indicated that they aren’t allowed to see the daughter, I think your message was beyond fair as you and your partner are the parents, you guys get to make the rules for your baby. If people don’t want to respect that, even if they are the grandparents, that is their loss and you don’t have to disregard your boundaries to cater to their wishes. If she wants the relationship she needs to follow the rules the parents have set, grandparents don’t get to veto the parents."
"Nope, you weren't rude," another person wrote. "MIL sounds like she thinks she should get to call the shots, and that your message to the group was directed at publicly scolding her personally. What you're asking for is reasonable. But let your fiancé deal with their mother from now on."
"You're the parent, she is your child," someone else pointed out. "Your child, your rules. They don't like it they can go get bent and not see her at all. There are reasons people go NC. This very well can become a reason to do it."
The mom added additional context.
In the comments, the mom added that everyone in her fiancé's family has asked "multiple times" if they could take the baby someplace without her parents present. "We’ve talked to everyone individually, but my fiancé is still being asked when I’m not around," she explained. She also gave more details about her in-laws and why she didn't feel comfortable leaving her child alone with them.
"Reason 1: We are not Christian and they all are. They’ve already expressed their disagreement and have told us the would 'preach the words of god' to her," she wrote.
"Reason 2: This one regards my MIL. Her husband (they’ve been married a year), is a convicted felon who just got out of prison after 20 years. No, I do not trust him around my daughter," she continued.
"Reason 3: None of their homes are prepared for her whatsoever. No one has taken any step to make it more comfortable for her, and honestly haven’t been around her enough to even know what she would need."
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