When you're a stepparent, it's a blessing for you and your stepchild have a good relationship. Nothing is better than having a child you love and respect who feels the same way about you. No, you aren't the biological parent, but you are certainly someone incredibly special who would do anything for your stepdaughter or stepson. But is it possible to do too much for a kid? You don't want to step on anyone's toes, but sometimes, it happens.
A stepmom posted in Reddit's AITA forum wondering if she acted inappropriately with her stepdaughter. The original poster was approached by the girl about feeling self-conscious about her body and needing some new clothes. With the girl's father's approval, OP took her stepdaughter shopping and thought nothing of it.
Now, the girl's mother is furious and thinks that OP was out of line and needs to leave all "body conversations" to her. Was it wrong of her to take care of the girl, or should she have left it for her mom?
OP and her stepdaughter get along well.
OP, 30, and her husband, Dan, 36, have been married for four years. Dan shares a daughter Emma, 10, with his ex-wife, Eve. Dan and Eve split time with Emma equally, so OP spends a lot of time with her. "I love Emma to death … she's a great kid," she explained.
Eve, not so much. OP and Eve are not friends. OP thinks there may be some resentment because Dan admits he wasn't a great husband, and they had a messy divorce. Despite that, Emma remains a priority to both parents.
Something was up with Emma.
OP noticed that Emma started to act differently recently. Dan tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't give him any information. OP tried, and Emma shared what was going on.
"Her cousins had made jokes about her chest/body and told her that she needs to wear a bra," OP explained. "She thought that her training bra would be fine with the shirt that she wore that day, but that the cousins still noticed her chest and made fun of her. She didn't feel comfortable telling her dad what happened, because, in her own words, she 'felt gross.'" Ugh, we remember those days, and they sucked!
OP thought she could help.
Being the loving person she is, OP tried to comfort Emma and explained that she wasn't "gross." What is happening to her body is perfectly normal. The cousins were being "awful," and she could talk to OP any time about "girl stuff." Dan appreciated it, and he and OP agreed that it was a good idea for OP to take Emma to get some bras and new clothes. He offered to go along, but said that he was "clueless."
"So, the next day I asked her if she wanted to go, and she was up to it, so I took her. We didn't get her anything crazy, just some clothes and underwear to last her until she promptly grows again in a week," she explained.
Emma was headed back home, so OP texted Eve.
Just trying to be friendly, OP texted Eve to let her know that she and Emma did a little shopping while they were together. "I (stupidly) decided to text Eve to let her know what had happened, that Dan and I had handled it already and that while Emma was okay, that she might want to check in on her," she wrote.
Well, it all hit the fan after that. Eve sent a lengthy and pretty nasty text telling OP that she needs to butt out of the body business.
She texted, "I had crossed a pretty serious line. Eve said that in the future, she wants Dan and I to let her handle all body conversations and situations with Emma… because these things should be handled by her mother … something she said I would understand if I had kids of my own." That's a bit harsh.
Now OP feels like a jerk.
OP explained to Eve that she didn't realize this would be so important to her and that she would've never done anything to hurt either of them or their relationship. She was trying to help.
Dan thinks that Eve is inventing drama and says to let it go. OP can't, and her heart is hurt. Was she in the wrong?
Why would OP intentionally hurt Eve?
Redditors didn't think that there was malice involved at all. OP had no reason to be vindictive, so why would she? This was innocent.
"You weren't trying to hurt Eve and were only looking to help Emma and on some level, Eve understands this," one person commented. "But right now, she wants to be angry and you're just a convenient lightening rod for that emotion. Neither of you are bad people here, just weathering an awkward storm together."
"NTA," someone else decided. "Emma was upset, she confided in you. You spoke to her dad about your idea, he gave you the go ahead and now Emma feels better. Eve's response wasn't about you helping her daughter because if she was worried about Emma she would have been pleased that you were there to help her feel comfortable with a difficult situation. Eve needs to place Emma's feelings first."
People think Eve should be putting her own personal feelings aside and thanking OP for giving her daughter support. It's not an easy thing to do. Emma wanted OP's help.
Emma is still pretty young.
Redditors wanted Eve to keep in mind that Emma is 10. That is young and to confide in an adult at that age is hard. Eve should be thankful that OP was there to help.
"She's 10 you bought her some bras and had a chat you didn't put her on the pill and go get tattoos," one commenter noted. "Definitely didn't over step. Seems like you handled it really well. Don't let Eve make you doubt yourself. Emma was happy to talk to you you listened came up with a solution and everyone was happy. That's how your relationship with Emma should continue."
Another person commented: "NTA. Emma had the conversation with who she was comfortable having the conversation with. You did nothing wrong."
Eve might be taking this too far.
Some agree that Eve is justified in having her feelings hurt. Emma is Eve's daughter, and those special mother-daughter moments only come once.
"Yes, you had very good intentions, but you did overstep, and the ex-wife is justified in how she feels," someone commented.
"Gentle YTA maybe the relationship issues between the bio Mum & Dan are why neither of you thought to give the Mum the obligatory text as it was happening," another commented. "Don't forget from Eve's POV Dan chose to be an amazing husband to you but didn't want to give her 50% of what he gives you so now she misses out on some milestone moments. She wants a boundary so it doesn't happen again. That's fair."
But then again, we're only talking about a bra. It could've been a lot worse.
OP, you're a good stepmom.
Did you hurt Eve's feelings? Yeah, it looks like you did. Was it on purpose? Redditors certainly don't seem to think so. Instead, they applaud you as a good stepmom filled with love and good intentions.
Eve is sensitive when it comes to Emma, though. Maybe you need to be more receptive to that. Lesson learned. But don't stop being you. Emma loves you, and you are lucky to have each other.
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