If your parents were married and divorced and your mom married someone with a child, should you be expected to be instant siblings and best friends? Or is it OK just to be cordial without ever being particularly close? The big moments in their life might not necessarily take priority for you, especially if you hardly ever spend time together.
A woman recently posted in Reddit's AITA forum with a question about her stepsister's upcoming wedding. Alicia, the stepsister, and the original poster, aka OP, "were always cool but never especially close." Their parents got together when OP was 12 and Alicia was 10. The women are adults now, and for the most part, they live their lives separately.
Alicia is getting married the same weekend as OP's 30th birthday, but OP already had a big trip planned and is declining Alicia's wedding invitation. Her family is really upset with her and thinks she needs to reschedule. Does it make her a jerk if she doesn't?
OP provided a bit of background.
OP's parents divorced when she was 12 years old. Her mother married Frank within a year of the divorce. Alicia is Frank's daughter and OP's stepsister. Alicia was 10 at the time of the marriage. OP split her time between her mother and father from ages 13 to 18.
"Towards the end of high school despite the custody technically being 50/50 I stayed with my dad the majority of the time. I also have two older real siblings who were 15 and 18 so didnt spend as much time with Alicia," OP explained on Reddit.
She also shared that when her mom and Frank married, she "wasn't looking for a new sibling." Plus, she had some reservations about Frank.
Alicia is engaged now and planning her wedding.
Alicia got engaged recently — super exciting — and she is in the midst of wedding plans. She chose a June wedding, and the date happens to be OP's 30th birthday. OP wasn't upset about that.
"Having a mid June birthday, this doesnt offend or shock me, its always wedding season so Ive spent quite a few birthday weekends at weddings, it just is what it is," OP wrote.
She's being cool about the whole thing, but she still isn't planning to attend the wedding. OP had planned a trip to Europe with her girlfriend for her birthday before Alicia even got engaged, and she doesn't feel the need to cancel her plans. Her mom and Frank think that she is being unreasonable because they say family comes before vacation.
"I responded by saying, I wish her the best, but she's not exactly my family and Im going to spend my 30th how I want, I will contribute some cash to her honeyfund but thats it," OP wrote.
Alicia really wants OP at the wedding.
Alicia called OP when she heard she wouldn't be attending the wedding and pleaded with her to come. She even apologized for scheduling the wedding on her birthday, which was a nice gesture.
"She then begged me to come and said I mean a lot to her as Im the only step sibling she had time to bond with, which caught me off guard because I never considered us close," OP explained. "I told her sorry but my mind is made up. She seemed really sad and eventually hung up. Since then my mom has been begging me to change my mind."
Bummer for Alicia, but we agree that OP should get to celebrate her birthday how she chooses, especially because her plans were in the works prior to Alicia's wedding announcement.
OP's mom and Frank are upset about the whole thing.
Frank told OP that she was being selfish and "a huge a–hole since he 'helped raise me.'"
OP has an issue with this and told him that he is not what she would consider a father figure and said Alicia is not her sister. That made him mad.
OP's mom said she should be happy that "at least you'll have a free party on your birthday."
Really? Trying to make someone's wedding day about you is just, eww. So OP wants to know if she's in the wrong and should cancel or reschedule her trip so she can attend the wedding.
Redditors had plenty of thoughts about the whole thing.
First, there's the camp that thinks that OP isn't in the wrong, and if Alicia had considered her a sister, she would have thought this through a bit more when choosing a date.
"If this were true, she wouldn't have chosen YOUR BIRTHDAY for her wedding date. I have a stepsister who was introduced to my life roughly at the same age as you were and we actually did grow close," one commenter shared. "Her birthday is a summer birthday. You know what I didn't do when I got married? I DIDN'T GET MARRIED ON/AROUND HER BIRTHDAY."
"She knew it was your birthday and she apologised because she wanted that venue. All good. What isn't good is Alicia, your mum & her husband expecting you to rearrange a whole trip for one day, that is happening on your 30th, which is a milestone birthday," another user agreed.
"Your 30th birthday was planned 29 1/2 years before the wedding," someone else pointed out.
People aren't in love with her stepfather Frank, either.
Frank came into OP's life at a critical time. She was on the brink of becoming a woman, and her parents had just divorced. Her mom moved on quickly, and OP never seemed to build that bond with him or Alicia, which is understandable.
"It's not their job to demand you reschedule because Frank's daughter wants to use that date. If you were also being treated as family, Alicia would have found another date or another venue, not used this one," one commenter reasoned. "Relatives do not get to use 'family' as an excuse to demand that you do what they want, while they refuse to respect your decisions or your needs or your plans. It has to go both ways, and respect you, too."
Another person wondered if this is really about OP at all or is it about her mom and Frank?
"This is about Frank and Mom wanting to have the image of perfection, as if you being there will somehow fix everything. This is about their wants, not them respecting your decisions," the person commented.
Alicia is kind of stuck in the middle.
Alicia is an excited bride who wants to have her dream wedding — as she should. Did she do this to be vindictive? It doesn't seem like it.
"Maybe Alicia is super weird and had a hard time making connections and so she was closer to you than you are to her? I think she's entitled to feel really sad and get what she wants for her wedding. I don't think she's an a–hole cause she didn't say anything mean, she just expressed her wants," one commenter posted. "Alicia is NTA. OP is not the a–hole. You had really cool plans! You didn't know about the wedding! You don't feel particularly connected to her."
Another person pointed out that Alicia is caught up in the planning and may feel like OP's not being there is a big deal.
"I think Alicia is more sad than an a–hole and given she's not lashing out at you, maybe you can try to attend a bridal shower or something since she clearly feels a connection with you and premake plans for when you get back to watch wedding video and look at pictures with her and stuff," that person wrote.
Ultimately, OP and Alicia need to talk it out.
Forget Frank and OP's mom. They are causing trouble. Alicia and OP need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. They could clear the air and make things better.
"I think you owe Alicia a second conversation. Not because of the wedding specifically, but because of the conflict w/ mom/frank doesn't need to spill over onto her," someone commented. "It sounds like she might have wanted a closer relationship as kids. It's not that you owe her that now, but as adults I think it's probably good to at least talk about it some without it being transactional about coming to the wedding.
"Also the 'they're not my family' energy should really be directed only at mom and frank, Alicia doesn't seem to be out for manipulation," the person continued. "She's probably in a pretty s—-y situation seeing mom and Frank weaponizing her wedding at you but also wanting you there herself."
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