I don’t know about you all, but I’m a firm believer that if you wait until January 1 to start doing something, it’s merely a sign of procrastination. Contrary to popular belief, there is not something miraculous about that date. It's not that special … it comes every year, after all. Julius Caesar is the one who came up with the idea to make that the turn of a new year, and he was just a man; so, if you’re serious about making some serious changes, there is no time like the present — and the present is right now.
Because it was once reported that, similar to the divorce rate, around half of all Americans are sexually dissatisfied and because intimacy issues are also a leading cause for breakdowns and breakups, here are six sex-themed resolutions (determining upon an action, course of action, method, procedure, etc.) you and your spouse should consider making so the bedroom action this year, far exceeds any other year thus far.
More from CafeMom: What 20 Moms Who Shamelessly Love Sex Wish Husbands Would Stop Assuming
Create an Annual Sex Bucket List
I’m a really big fan of these. The twist on these is, rather than focusing on things that you want to accomplish before you die (like a general bucket list), I encourage my clients to put things down they want to sexually “accomplish” before another year rolls around. It helps to keep things new, exciting, and fresh.
If you’d like some inspiration as far as ideas go, you’d be amazed how many platforms have published articles on this topic. Check out Oprah Daily’s “50 Sex Bucket List Ideas to Try With a Partner — and Alone”, Cosmopolitan’s “110 Naughty Things to Put on Your Sex Bucket List Right Now” and Women’s Health’s “100 Things That Belong On Your Sex Bucket List”.
Oh, and it does no good to have a list if you’re not going to actually USE IT. Be intentional about marking something off from the list on a monthly — if not weekly — basis. Watch how your marriage improves, in the bedroom and every other room of your house, because of it.
Get More Creative with Foreplay. And Afterplay.
We all know that foreplay is basically the things you do to stimulate your partner prior to intercourse. So how long should it last? A lot of women say that around 11 minutes is good. Interestingly enough, they think that 13 minutes of penetration is just enough too.
Whether you’re nodding your head in agreement or not, what I think we all can agree on is quality means more than quantity in this case. Keeping that in mind, a great way to make foreplay a more pleasurable experience is for creativity to be brought into the mix. What I mean by that is, instead of always doing what you automatically know will “work,” try new things — or the same things in a different way — to see if it pushes some dormant or undiscovered buttons.
Foreplay:
When’s the last time you sent a series of dirty texts?
When’s the last time you did a strip tease?
When’s the last time the two of you body painted?
When’s the last time you explored some atypical erogenous zones?
Have you ever tried mutual masturbation?
Do you own a bottle of edible lubrication?
Have you ever called your partner to tell them your favorite things about having sex with them?
Do you ever dance naked together?
Do the two of you ever discuss how you prefer to receive oral sex?
How many sex games have you played as of late?
Again, because foreplay is all about “pre-gaming,” it basically needs to excite you just as much as intercourse does. Also, in my opinion, afterplay (intimacy that transpires after intercourse) should give you something to look forward too — because if you haven’t done some spooning or deep kissing following the main event, you are truly missing out. Yep, resolve to ramp up that afterplay as well.
Plan a Sexcation Once a Season (Four Times a Year)
I will always be a fan of sexcations because they combine two of my favorite activities — sex and relaxing! Hopefully, you have a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse already (many experts say that means you’re having sex no less than once a week) — but, I mean, hopefully you’re getting no less than six hours of sleep a night too.
My point? A vacation is different than regular day-to-day life because it’s all about planning to get off of the grid, disconnecting from life’s demands, and indulging in things that you enjoy. A sexcation is all of this with the theme being sex — and yes, I think this is something that can be pulled off once in the spring, the summer, the fall and the wintertime.
You don’t have to fly to Paris to make this happen. Get someone to watch the kids and stay cozied up in bed all weekend. Try a hotel in your city that you’ve always been curious about. Or why not go on a road trip for a couple of days and rent a cabin or bed and breakfast (or vacation house; folks sleep on those way too much!) in the next city?
A part of the reason why A LOT of married couples say that sex was better when they were dating and/or newlyweds is because they tended to make plans for sex to be, well, sexy and not just “something to do.”
Go on a 30-Day HAVE SEX 'Fast'
Whenever two people in a sexless marriage (which means you only have sex 10 to 15 times per year) come to me for help and one of them says that it got to this place because “We don’t have time,” I can’t tell you how many eye rolls I don’t even try to hold back from them. A lot of us don’t like to hear it when it comes to intimacy, but the reality is that we make time for what’s important to us. We make time for what we enjoy. We make time for what is a necessity — and sex needs to check off all of these boxes.
Shoot, even the Good Book says that it’s not a good idea for spouses to DEPRIVE (to withhold pleasure) one another when it comes to sexual activity (I Corinthians 7:5). If there is a lack of intimacy going on, there needs to be some serious pondering and mutual discussing about how things got to that point and place.
Why isn’t it important?
Why isn’t it enjoyable?
Why isn’t it a priority?
If the answer that you and yours have come to is you’ve both lost sight of treating it like a necessity, what you may need to go on is a sex fast. Yeah, I know that to fast is to abstain from something, but if you’re in a sexless marriage, you need to abstain from abstinence. (See what I just did there?) And because it roughly takes not 21 but 66 days to form a new habit, devoting an entire month to sexual activity can help to get you into the mindset of treating intimacy with your partner like it’s essential … like it’s second nature too.
Am I saying that this fast should include two-hour sessions every day? Nope. What I’m saying is if you’ve got an hour a night to scroll through Instagram, you’ve got at least 20 minutes to give each other a sensual massage, engage in a little oral action, or even just passionately kiss.
The more you do something, the easier it becomes. Sex is not exempt from this, and because it is one of the things that sets your marital union apart from all of your other relationships — it’s definitely something that should be prioritized.
Commit to More Morning Sex
There’s a wife I know who says something that I think is pure wisdom: “I don’t know why, whenever women get mad at their husbands, they decide to withhold sex. The sex in my house is bomb! I’m not gonna deprive myself to prove some point. I’ll have to figure out another way.”
One day, we might need to get into how telling it is that a wife would choose to go without sex when there are so many other ways to address discontentment or disappointment. For now, I’ll just say that anything that lowers your blood pressure, reduces stress, makes you more productive, decreases feelings that are associated with depression and anxiety, boosts your immunity, reduces pain, makes you more self-confident, helps you to sleep better, improves your flexibility, and produces feel-good hormones — yeah, it really does seem like you are punishing yourself when you think that you are hurting your husband by going without sex. SMDH.
And even if you’re not holding out but you’re just not having a lot of coitus in the morning, all of the reasons that I just gave (and so much more) are enough to try to schedule it in at least a couple of times a month. According to the National Alliance of Mental Illness, having a morning routine can help to boost your energy levels and make you less negative. A morning routine with some sex in it — how can you go wrong? I can’t think of one single way, chile.
Be Intentional About Developing More Intimacy
Last year I wrote an article titled “Are You a Good Sexual Communicator? You Sure?” Check it out when you get a chance because it explains how to get better at expressing your sexual needs as well as hearing your partner out.
Even though this article has been about the act of sex, it can’t be said enough that intimacy is about more than that. Resolve to go on more dates. Resolve to have nights when electronics go off at an earlier time so you can focus solely on each other. Resolve to become more fluent in each other’s love languages (including going on dates that surround them). Resolve to hold hands more often.
Resolve to have breakfast together in the morning and/or dessert together at night. Resolve to hear each other out and apologize as soon as possible when you know that an apology is owed. Resolve to prioritize each other’s needs more. Resolve to be more flexible to your partner’s areas of change and growth. Resolve to make them feel holistically desired. Resolve to learn more about what intimacy requires in general.
Two other definitions of resolve include “a formal expression of opinion or intention made” and “firmness of purpose.” Sex isn’t all of what a marriage is about, yet it is a vital part, a responsibility within the relationship and something that is essential as far as cultivating long-term intimacy goes.
So yes, make some sex-related resolutions. Don’t wait until the ball drops. Do it now.
There’s no telling what the commitments (if kept) will do for your relationship come this time next year.
Straight up.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of 'Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.'
