Feeling confident in the bedroom can be hard for some people. However, it is possible to build more sexual confidence. What exactly does it mean to have sexual self-confidence?
According to Baylor College of Medicine, sexual confidence is about experiencing sexuality in a satisfying and enjoyable way. In other words? Sexual confidence is all about enjoying your sex life!
It’s normal for your sex drive and sex life to wax and wane over your lifetime, especially after life changes like having a baby. But if you’ve decided you’d like to make changes to how you feel about yourself and your sexuality, these strategies can help. Here are seven steps to build better sexual confidence.
Face Your Hang-Ups Head On
Low self-confidence usually stems from something. And honestly, the same thing applies to sex as well. Whether it’s not feeling good about your postpartum body, struggling with feeling fully free in the bedroom, or not being able to enjoy sexual pleasure, a strategy like sex journaling might help get to the root of the issues.
Writing down your thoughts about sex can help to give you clarity. For instance, maybe you struggle with sexual pleasure or have always faked orgasms because you’ve felt self-conscious about telling past partners what you need. Writing out your feelings can confirm the importance of communicating with the partner you have now or help you realize what’s been holding you back.
Getting started with building sexual confidence starts with discovering more about yourself. Sex journaling can turn on more than just a few light bulbs and help build up your sexual confidence again.
Get Naked More Often
Being naked for sexual experiences can sometimes feel unfamiliar – yes, even with you – because you only get that way to bathe or get dressed. So, an effective way to break out of that and build sexual confidence in an organic way is simply to be naked more often.
The more you’re used to not having on any clothes and seeing yourself in your birthday suit, the more it will become second nature. Start by sleeping naked. A myriad of health benefits come from sleeping au natural, including that it can improve your self-esteem, build sexual confidence, and enhance the quality of your relationship. Funny how that works, huh?
Buy Things That Make You Feel Good
Things that are our favorite not only make us happier, but they make us feel more comfortable. Why not apply this simple point to the kind of things that can help to make you feel sexier? Get some lace panties in your favorite color. Purchase some silk, satin, or sateen sheets in a color you love. Buy a new bra that isn’t designed solely for feeding another person with your breasts. Get your hair done or try that new perfume you’ve been sneaking spritzes of at the store.
If wearing heels makes you feel sexier, then by all means, this is your sign to pick up a new pair of pumps. Treat yourself to a few things that make you feel good, which can translate into feeling more confident sexually.
Make a Sexy List
Unfortunately, negativity bias is a real thing. If you’ve never heard of it before, it means that we’re hard-wired to lean into negativity instead of positive thoughts. That’s why, if you ask someone to list five things that they like and then dislike about themselves, they are probably going to start with the “dislikes” first.
Try to break out of this pattern by listing 10 things about yourself that you find to be sexy. Study your face – maybe it’s your eyes, your (natural) eyelashes, or your lips. Look at your body – do you have nice breasts or nipples, a beautiful neck, or some thick thighs? (Yes, often those are very sexy!) Reflect on things like your voice, your laugh, your way of engaging other people – which of those do you think is sexy?
Synonyms for sexy include inviting, seductive, alluring, provoking, and even mature. If you’re struggling with seeing yourself in a sexy light, reflect on those words as well. Then write 10 “This Makes Me Sexy” items and post them up somewhere where you can refer to them regularly.
Your new list will start to “rewire” your brain to not look at yourself and think about all of the things that are “wrong” so you can start feeling good about the very right things.
See Sexuality as More Than Physical
To me, one of the best things about sex – especially within a relationship – is that it connects people in a way that goes way beyond the physical. Your mind and spirit are involved, too. So as you work to build up your sexual self-confidence levels, keep that mind-body connection at the forefront by:
- Speaking positive things about your body image to make you feel better about yourself
- Trying meditation to center yourself and calm your spirit down before intimacy
- Pondering some of the ways that sex is more fulfilling for you when your mind and spirit are engaged in the process with your partner
The more you move away from thinking of sex as nothing more than a physical act, the easier it will be to see all of the ways you can be satisfied and satisfy your partner beyond just giving each other orgasms.
Do New Things as a Couple
This tip doesn’t just apply to sexual confidence. Research shows that trying new things can help build self-confidence and even improve your self-image.
I totally get this. For instance, a few years ago, I went zip-lining. When I tell you that I hate heights … words cannot express just how much. Yet after doing it, I did feel more courageous and it actually helped me to have a couple of hard conversations with some family members. The “dots connected” that if I was able to do something that terrified me, other things could seem less scary.
Trying new things, including in the bedroom, can feel risky. For instance, maybe you won’t like the new experience or maybe your partner won’t. At the same time, trying something new together can build trust and allow your partner to enjoy sharing those experiences with you. Before pushing back on this, try it and see.
View Sex as an Experience, Not a Performance
Please stop allowing blogs, articles, and social media to influence you to believe that sex is mostly about how well you and your partner perform. Although climaxing can certainly be the icing on the cake (with a cherry on top), it’s not the main reason why physical intimacy is such a wonderful and pleasurable thing – especially when you’re experiencing it with someone you love.
The moment you are intentional about releasing “performance anxiety” about sex and instead stay in the moment, enjoy it, and take it for what it is, that is when you can start to experience sex and all it has to offer on a different level. Guaranteed.
Talk to a Professional
I know a wife who’s been struggling with sexual confidence and sex her entire marriage, over 30 years. Unfortunately, her challenges stem back from a sexual assault that happened when she was in college. As a result, it’s hard for her to see sex as something that is fun and satisfying, even after all of these years.
If your sexual confidence is suffering due to childhood experiences, trauma, or self-esteem issues, please seek out a professional. There are many relationship therapists and reputable sex therapists who can help.
Self-confidence is something we all need to have. And because our sexuality is a part of our very being, sexual sex-confidence is as well. Investing in strategies that can help build your sexual confidence is always worth it.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
