The late German author and poet Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” I really like that quote as it relates to this article’s topic because self-confidence is literally about trusting yourself, which essentially means sexual self-confidence is about doing the same thing.
So, what is sexual self-confidence specifically? I once read on Baylor College of Medicine’s site (on the topic of self-esteem for women with disabilities) that it’s all about having (or developing) a “positive regard for and confidence in an individual's capacity to experience his or her sexuality in a satisfying and enjoyable way.” I couldn’t have said it better.
If this is the year when you’ve decided that you want to swing from the fences — or chandeliers, depending on how you look at it — when it comes to how you feel about yourself and your sexuality, I’ve provided a few tips that can help you soar by the time this year ends.
Face Your Hang-Ups Head On
No one is born with low self-confidence; it always stems from something. And honestly, the same thing applies to feeling this way in the realm of sex as well. Whether it’s not feeling good about your body, struggling with feeling fully free in the bedroom, or not knowing how to get into the headspace of being able to enjoy sexual pleasure, do some sex journaling so that you can get to the root of what the issues really and truly are.
A few years ago, I wrote an article for entitled, “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”. Writing down your actual thoughts can help to give you clarity. For instance, say that you struggle with sexual pleasure because you’ve always faked orgasms because you’ve felt self-conscious about telling your past partners what you actually need. Figuring that out (via writing down your thoughts and feelings) can confirm the importance of communicating with the partner you have now. And being freed of that burden may remove the “block” that’s been keeping you from climaxing (or climaxing more often).
Listen, no matter what the rest of these tips say, they’re not going to matter much if you’re not even sure why or how you got to where you are in the area of lacking sexual self-confidence. Sex journaling can turn on more than just a few light bulbs.
Get Naked More Often
Y’all, I know a woman who’s been married for over 12 years whose husband has never seen her natural hair. She constantly wears lace front wigs and gets them installed outside of the home. I hate that for her, him, and their marriage because if you’re not comfortable with your spouse seeing all of you, there is some level of disconnect and lack of intimacy there — whether you choose to accept that fact or not.
Even the Bible instructed Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name before leaving the Garden — Genesis 2-3) to be “naked and not ashamed” with one another. Nakedness implies a full knowing and that starts with getting comfortable with being naked in your own space.
Being naked can sometimes feel unfamiliar — yes, even with you — because you only get that way to bathe and to get dressed. Shoot, some people (also unfortunately) rarely even have sex unless it’s in a pitch-black environment. All that does is evoke feelings of self-consciousness, embarrassment, and possibly even shame.
A way to break out of that is to be naked more often. The more you're used to not having on any clothes and seeing yourself in your birthday suit, the more it will literally become like second nature. Start by sleeping naked. There are a myriad of health benefits that come from doing so, including the fact that it can improve your self-esteem and enhance the quality of your relationship. Funny how that works, huh?
Buy Sexy Things in Your Favorite Color
Things that are our favorite not only make us happier, they make us feel more comfortable too. So, why not apply this simple point to the kind of things that can help to make you feel sexier? Get some lace panties in your favorite color. Purchase some silk, satin, or sateen sheets in your favorite color. Heels automatically elongate your legs, which drives men crazy in the best way possible, so use this article as a solid reason to get a new pair of pumps in your favorite color, too. Watch what these purchases automatically do for your confidence levels as far as your sexuality is concerned.
List 10 'This Makes Me Sexy' Items
Unfortunately, negativity bias is a real thing. If you’ve never heard of it before, it basically means that we’re hard-wired to lean into negativity instead of positive thoughts. That’s why, if you ask someone to list five things that they like and then dislike about themselves, they are probably going to start with the “dislikes” first.
Try to break out of this pattern by listing 10 things that, not only do you like about yourself, but you find to be sexy. Really study your face — maybe it’s your eyes, your (natural) eyelashes or your lips. Look at your body — do you have nice breasts or nipples, a beautiful neck or some thick thighs (yes, often those are very sexy!). Reflect on things like your voice, your laugh, your way of engaging other people — which of those do you think is sexy?
Synonyms for sexy include inviting, seductive, alluring, provoking, and even mature. If you’re struggling with seeing yourself in a sexy light, reflect on those words as well. Then write 10 “This Makes Me Sexy” items and post them up somewhere where you can refer to them regularly. It will start to “rewire” your brain to not look at yourself and think about all of the things that are “wrong” so that you can start feeling good about the things that are very right.
Connect Sexuality to Mind, Body & Spirit More Often
To me, one of the best things about sex — especially with a marriage — is that it connects people in a way that goes way beyond the physical. Your mind and spirit are involved, too (even the Bible states that — I Corinthians 6:16-20 — Message). And when it comes to building up your sexual self-confidence levels, this is also important to keep in mind.
- Speak positive things about your body image to make you feel better about yourself.
- Do some meditating to center yourself and calm your spirit down prior to intimacy (I once wrote about orgasmic meditation).
- Ponder some of the ways that sex is more fulfilling for you when your mind and spirit are engaged in the process with your partner.
The more you move away from thinking of sex as nothing more than a physical act, the easier it will be to see all of the ways that you can be satisfied and satisfy your partner beyond just giving each other orgasms.
Do New Things as a Couple
This tip right here doesn’t just apply to sexual self-confidence. Many mental health professionals will cosign onto the fact that if you want to feel bolder while developing a stronger self-image period, you should try new things.
I totally get this. For instance, a few years ago, I went zip-lining. When I tell you that I hate heights … words cannot express just how much. Yet after doing it, I did feel more courageous and it actually helped me to have a couple of hard conversations with some family members. The “dots connected” because if I was able to do something that terrified me, other things seem less scary.
Trying new things, including in the bedroom, can pose a bit of a risk — a risk of not liking it, a risk of letting your partner pull back a new level of your vulnerability, a risk of learning a new side of yourself than even you didn’t know. At the same time, trust can develop in the sense that you can learn to trust yourself enough to learn more about your sexuality and allow your partner to enjoy sharing those experiences with you. Before pushing back on this, try it and see.
See Sex as an EXPERIENCE not a PERFORMANCE
Please stop allowing the media (including social media) to influence you to believe that sex is mostly about how well you and your partner perform. While climaxing is most certainly the icing on the cake (with a cherry on top), it’s not the main reason why physical intimacy is such a wonderful and pleasurable thing — especially when you’re experiencing it with someone you love.
I’m telling you, if you get nothing else from this article, the moment that you are intentional about releasing “performance anxiety” when it comes to sex and instead you determine that you’re going to just stay in the moment, enjoy it and take it for what it is — that is when you will start to experience sex and all that it has to offer on a totally different level. Guaranteed.
Talk to Someone (If Needed)
I actually know a wife who’s been struggling with sexual confidence and sex her entire marriage (and it’s been over 30 years). Something that I know that even her husband does not (yet; I’m still encouraging her to share it) is that she was sexually assaulted back in college. As a result, it’s hard for her to see sex as something that is fun and satisfying — even after all of these years.
If what I just said somehow resonated and you know that your sexual confidence is suffering due to childhood experiences, some sort of trauma, or even some self-esteem issues that you can’t seem to shake no matter how many articles you read or videos you watch, please seek out a professional. There are relationship therapists/counselors/life coaches who can assist. There are also reputable sex therapists who can help as well.
Self-confidence is something that we all need to have. And since our sexuality is a part of our very being, sexual sex-confidence is too. Investing it in, OK? The payoff is huge.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
