We all have regrets, but inarguably some regrets are bigger than others. In the case of one man who recently wrote to Slate's How To Do It advice column, it’s a stranger’s regret about a sex tape he made with the man’s wife that’s causing the couple a huge headache. He’s looking for a second opinion on how to handle this X-rated conundrum.
As the man explained in his letter, the sex tape was part of a birthday gift the letter writer and his wife gave each other.
Although some people like to give their partner jewelry or a fancy vacation, five years ago these two decided to give each other “a recorded day of sex with someone in their early 20s,” the man explained in his letter.
They interviewed and recruited a couple of different candidates “with the understanding that they would engage in a sex session” and then put into place a couple of precautions to help ensure the videos would never get leaked.
First, the video would be recorded on DVDs using a camera not connected to the internet.
The DVDS would only be watched on a TV in the couple’s bedroom, exclusively used to watch the videos, and the DVD player was not connected to the internet, the letter writer explained.
“In return, they would be paid $5,000 cash,” he added.
The LW’s session with his chosen partner, “Traci,” went off without a hitch.
“After we paid her, we never heard or saw from her again,” he explained.
They thought his wife’s session with "Mark" went well too.
Mission accomplished, right? For a few years, it all went according to plan.
In the time since the tapes were shot, the DVDs have became a “great part of our sex life,” the OP explained. “Oftentimes, we have them on while we have sex or simply use them in masturbation sessions.”
When they’re not being used, they’re carefully stored in a locked drawer, and we have no children or anyone else living with us who could accidently get to them," he wrote.
“Honestly, we feel this is the best gift we have ever given,” he explained, “and are thinking about doing this again!”
That is, until Mark recently reached out and begged the couple to destroy the DVD with him in it.
He told the LW that he was going to be entering a high-profile career “and doesn’t want this used against him in the future,” the LW recalled, but the couple has refused because “this was a transaction that was willingly entered into by all parties.
“Since then, he has come back to us, sometimes mad, sometimes crying, that he made a huge mistake and would pay us back the $5,000 with interest,” the LW wrote.
“What is our obligation to Mark here?” he asked.
Many people felt the LW should do the right thing and get rid of the DVD.
"LW1 — if you are planning on doing this again then destroy the first tape. We all do things that we regret. Be a decent human and help the guy out," one commenter urged.
"How can these people enjoy watching that DVD, when they know that the man being filmed no longer consents to it?" another commenter wondered. "He doesn't want you watching him and he feels violated. So respect his wishes and stop violating him.
"Don't ask for your money back, just destroy the DVD," the person continued. "It doesn't matter what the porn industry would say to him. You're not the porn industry. You can choose to be human beings here."
A third commenter didn't mince words: "Jesus Christ, what absolute f—ing assholes you and your wife are."
A few people, however, thought the LW and his wife didn't owe Mark anything.
"I sympathize with the guy who wants the tape destroyed, but he does sound a little unhinged," wrote one person. "He is dependent on the owner’s goodwill, and repeatedly hectoring him won’t make the tape any less likely to be released — might make it more likely.
"From LW’s point of view, it would be a kindness to return it, or tell the guy it is destroyed," the person continued. "However, keeping a copy in his drawer will not affect the other guy’s well-being in the least. I am on team lie-about-it."
Someone else wondered, "Obviously, the ethical thing to do would be for LW1 to take 'Mark' up on his offer (destroy the video and get their money back) so that they aren't adding to someone's misery. But, if I was 'Mark' — would that really work to get me peace of mind? Given how trivial it would be for LW to copy the video, I don't know if any assurance of 'it is destroyed' would return that inner peace.
"He's at a point where either he has to trust LW or not," the commenter added. "So, while I feel sorry for him, I don't know if he's ever going to get relief from this, even if he returns the money and LW tells him the DVD is destroyed."
"Just make sure to make several copies of it before you destroy it," another person shared.
Columnist Rich Juzwiak wasn't feeling so generous.
As Juzwiak argued, the LW and his wife technically owe this guy nothing — he was a consenting adult, after all. One might consider that given the precautions the LW and his wife had taken, Mark was getting off easy.
“Had he performed this work for a porn studio, he’d be laughed out of the Valley (or wherever) for asking them to destroy his tapes because his career is taking off,” the columnist wrote.
Although the LW and wife can absolutely honor his request, Juzwiak argued that “performing sex on screen is fairly destigmatized today, so much so that his appeal reads pretty dramatic and his repeated pleas are entering, if not already in, the realm of harassment.”
As Juzwiak sees it, even if he was “a politician, religious official, teacher, or otherwise conservative/living in a largely conservative area” it doesn’t seem likely that it would come to light and destroy his career.
The whole thing was "way, way too uncertain to require such a permanent move" — such as destroying their beloved sex tape.
Therefore, the LW had a choice: He could be selfless and destroy the video, but he is certainly not “obligated’ to do so.
“For his peace of mind, you could put in writing how the DVD is stored and the way you use it, but again, you don’t have to do that,” Juwiak added. “In addition to your lack of obligation, though, Mark has no recourse.
“If he keeps bothering you, you could sue him for harassment — probably a firm letter from your lawyer would be enough to shut him up because, again, he doesn’t want this getting out,” he continued. “If you are confident that your storage is ironclad and there is absolutely no way the footage could ever leak, you could also just lie and tell him you’ve destroyed it, since in your hands it’s as good as destroyed as far as the entire population of the world is concerned, save you and your wife.
“I don’t usually recommend lying but in this case, you deserve a break," he advised. "It’s an option, at least.”
