Unfortunately, your ex doesn’t disappear into vapor after you break up. That person is out there somewhere; doing laundry, buying that brand of toilet paper you hate, and yes, working a 9 to 5 job just like everybody else. One man who recently wrote to the Dear Prudence advice column is having his own little ex-dilemma — and it all starts at work.
The man explained that he hasn’t thought about his ex-wife in years.
The two married young, he explained in his letter, but ultimately it “didn’t work out.”
“It was no one’s fault; we were basically kids and ended up growing in different directions,” he shared. “The divorce was painless since we didn’t have any real assets and we stayed friends until my ex moved out of state. We lost touch.”
Remarried to a different woman and with three young kids at home, the Letter Writer is happy with where life has brought him.
But his wife has recently been going through mental health issues, and those have made things strained.
“I love my wife, but we have three children under three and she suffers from depression,” he wrote. “The last year has been a struggle. I was needed more at home and my last company moved headquarters over two hours away, so I made a lateral move into a new career.”
It turns out that the LW’s ex was the regional manager at his new company.
The LW swore that he had no idea it was her because her last name is pretty common and “I didn’t connect the dots.”
“She actually emailed me and we caught up,” he wrote. “She hasn’t remarried and moved back because she was sick of snow.”
It's safe to say that his wife was not thrilled when she learned who her husband's new boss was.
“I told my wife and didn’t think anything of it, but my wife went off the deep end,” he recalled.
She ended up stalking his ex on social media and kept asking him if he thought she was attractive.
Then she started questioning him about “seeing” his ex at work — which was impossible because they’ve been working remotely.
“I don’t know where this is coming from,” he confessed. “My wife has been sensitive about her looks since the kids, but she has never been jealous before. I dated her best friend before we got together and she was the maid of honor at our wedding.”
The more the LW tries to tell his wife that his ex means nothing to him, the more she spirals and stalks deeper into his ex wife's social media pages.
“I told her this wasn’t healthy,” he wrote. “She accused me of calling her crazy. She has refused to go to any sort of counseling and told me if I loved her and there wasn’t anything going on, I should quit my job and get my old one back.”
The LW’s old job would take him back, but then he wouldn’t be able to pitch in around the house as much, something that is sorely needed.
“My new job puts me 10 minutes away from home so I can be here in daylight hours,” he explained. “I can cook and put our kids to bed rather than just seeing them sleep.
“I love my wife and have never been unfaithful in my life. What should I do?” he asked.
Most commenters agreed: The LW's wife is probably suffering from some real mental health issues.
Many people thought she was suffering from postpartum depression.
"Three kids under three, the first piece of advice should have been to go to her doctor to talk about postpartum depression," one commenter advised.
"Your wife is suffering," someone else wrote. "It is time to insist, firmly insist, she get postpartum care. Hire a sitter and haul her to her OBGYN or to a recommended therapist if you have to. If she's having depressed and obsessive thoughts she could be a danger to herself or the kids."
A third commenter put it this way: "She needed to see a therapist yesterday. You’ve got to tell her to stop the stalking now. This could get you fired or if she escalates she ends up in jail. I don’t know how to do it but you’ve got to convince her she needs help. Maybe suggest counseling together to start with."
Columnist Jenée Desmond-Harris agreed that this man's wife probably needed some counseling.
She advised the LW not to quit his job but to go into counseling himself, even if his wife continues to refuse to join him.
“Since she’s in a bad place right now,” Desmond-Harris wrote. “I think it would be kind and reasonable to give her some assurances about the level of contact you’ll have with your ex (no lunches together, no phone calls, or whatever).”
But his wife needs to know that “living with this kind of paranoia is not sustainable for you and that if she wants to stay married, it’s going to require some work on her end, whether that’s joining you in counseling, treating her own depression, or managing her emotions well enough that you aren’t forced to make unreasonable compromises,” she added.
