When we get into a serious relationship with someone who has kids, we hope the children will like us. We will become an influential part of their lives, and everyone wants to feel comfortable. It’s not always the easiest relationship to build, but it’s really important and can be beautifully rewarding.
Unfortunately, not all blended families will get along, but as the adults it’s important we do what we can to foster a positive relationship. One woman recently bought a house with her boyfriend who has a 4-year-old daughter. She and her boyfriend don’t see eye-to-eye on one subject: if the little girl needs her own space.
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The woman took to Reddit to share what the conflict was all about in hopes people could give some advice.
Posting to Reddit’s AITA community, the original poster shared that she and her boyfriend have been together for two years and they recently bought a house together. They move in at the end of the month, but they don’t have all the details figured out quite yet.
“My boyfriend has a four year old daughter ‘Kate’ from a previous relationship,” she wrote. “I love Kate with all my heart. She lives with my BF's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time.”
Their new home is not too far from where Kate’s mom lives.
“Our new house is about a 30 minute drive from Kate's mom's house,” OP explained. “It has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. We are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my BF and me to work from. That leaves just one spare bedroom.”
Kate had some anxiety about them moving too far from where her mom lives. “Kate was really nervous about us moving so far away,” OP shared, “and my BF has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time.”
OP’s boyfriend told his daughter something that she didn’t necessarily agree with.
She shared that her boyfriend told his daughter that “she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants.” And OP takes issue with that. “My issue with this is that I don't want Kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom.”
OP would like the room to be labeled a “guest” bedroom, where Kate will stay. “Of course Kate can stay there whenever she wants to.”
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OK, so she wants her stepdaughter to feel comfortable and welcome but … um …?
“I want her to feel welcome all the time,” she wrote. “But I don't want it to be only her room. I don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there.”
For OP, she doesn’t think her stepdaughter having a room in their home is fair. “I don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time.”
And apparently, she wants space for her own kids – the kids she doesn’t have yet.
“In addition, my BF and I are planning to have a child of our own, and I want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live,” she explained. “I can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell Kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling.”
She uses that as a reason she’s wanting “to set expectations now — that Kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a ‘guest.’”
For some reason, she’s clueless as to why her boyfriend thinks this isn’t fair.
“My boyfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable, that Kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her,” she recalled.
“He says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room ‘Kate's room,’” she continued. “I still don't think it's fair to have a room just for Kate when she won't use it very often.”
After sharing all this, she turned it over to Redditors to let their opinions be known.
“Okay evil StepMother,” one Redditor wrote. “Tell us more about how your hypothetical future child's sibling is not part of your family.”
“She is not ok having a room for someone that is not there 90% of the time but wants instead a guest bedroom?” someone else questioned. “Like how often do you receive guests? More often than your boyfriend have his own daughter over? I’m surprised.”
“You are not ready for this relationship,” another person pointed out. “His daughter is not a guest, she's a part of his life. And by acting the way you are, you are not making her feel welcome.”
“She is a child," noted someone else. "A 4 year old. And you want to make sure she knows that isn’t her room. Marinate on that. You want to MAKE SURE a four year old isn’t too comfortable or at home in her dads home. If I were him I’d leave you.”
In case it’s not obvious, this isn’t cool and OP needs to seriously re-evaluate her thinking.
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