17 Freaky Things No One Should Ever, Ever Google

I don't know if it's just me, but when someone tells me not to Google something, I immediately do it. It's a sickness, I swear to God. Because I can't think of a single instance where whatever I discovered online after being explicitly warned against looking for it didn't live up to my awful expectations. In other words, when people say not to Google something, they usually have a damn good reason.

So why am I sharing this roundup post of things to never ever Google, knowing full well that some readers are going to Google them anyway, and I will be the one to blame for any subsequent discomfort? Because I am a very, very, very bad person, that's why.

Go ahead. Keep reading … oh, brave ones … 

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Now that I've included that dire disclaimer, let me go ahead and assure everyone who's still here that I am not including anything in this lineup that's gory or insanely horrific. Nope, no gruesome car crashes or repulsive sexual acts are featured here, okay? That said, here are a few dozen-plus things to never ever type into Google's search box …

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Clock spider

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rangizzz/shutterstock

I can't even type those words without my scalp crawling. Now, I have a THING about spiders so your creep factor on this one may vary, but if you're a fellow arachnophobe, you definitely definitely don't want to Google Image Search this term.

Trypophobia

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leonard_ripper/Flickr

Another Google Image term that returns a surprisingly upsetting number of visuals. Trypohphobia is also known as repetitive pattern phobia, a fear of objects with clusters of small holes. What a ridiculous thing to be scared of, who even OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS SHIT.

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"Bear" by Marian Engel

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Flickr/tambako

Is Marian Engel's "Bear" a REAL book? A real book about a woman's erotic affair with a BEAR? A real book including the following real passage: "Her menstrual fever made him more assiduous"??? I don't even want to know, you guys.

Any Medical Symptom

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Ruslan Guzov/shutterstock

Don't do it. All roads lead directly to cancer.

Tetris Fanfic

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iStock.com/lucadp

Yes, there is fanfiction devoted to Tetris. Yes, some of it is pornographic. "I unbuttoned the blue pixel I had on my lower half and instructed her on the ways of foreplay. As her top pixel met my bottom pixel, I let out an ecstatic sigh. Such pleasure I had never experienced in my life …"

Wet koala

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Flickr/albagloria5

Eventually the Internet will inform you that the viral image of a "wet koala" is in fact fake. But not before you are SCARRED FOR LIFE by the damp, fanged, rage-filled creature someone dreamed up via Photoshop.

Snapewives

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Warner Bros

According to the Urban Dictionary, "A group of middle-aged women on the internet who believe they are all married to Severus Snape from the Harry Potter books — on the astral plane. They have real-life meetings where they take turns channeling the spirit of Snape so they can have wedding ceremonies with him." There are photos. There are videos. There are blogs. There are … emotions.

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Peanut, the world's ugliest dog

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Flickr/bibbit

Once you see Peanut, you can never unsee him. Don't say you weren't warned.

Coconut Crab

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iStock.com/AaronFrick

Sounds sort of tasty, right? Sure, in the sense that seeing one will eat your brain alive with horror. (A runner-up: the star-nosed mole.)

Mucus Plug

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Tyler Olson/shutterstock

Maybe you're pregnant and wondering what to look for. Maybe you should just use your imagination on this one.

Smokers' lungs

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Flickr/breatheindigital

You can probably guess that googling photos of smokers' lungs ain't gonna be pretty.

Bedbugs on Mattress

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jareynolds/shutterstock

Skin Condition

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iStock.com/kaspiic

Nope, you don't have to be more specific than that — Google will return a plethora of terrible visuals for you to choose from.

Elephantiasis

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Flickr/vasenka

Don't do it. Just … don't.

Yourself

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iStock.com/inkit

Either you'll find no proof whatsoever of your existence, or you'll realize just how screwed-up your Internet legacy will be. There's no happy outcome here.

Megan Fox's thumbs

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Flickr/criminalintent

Did you know actress Megan Fox essentially has toes for thumbs? Did you WANT to know this?

Lamprey eel

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Flickr/briangratwicke

You're probably looking at the photo I included here and thinking, how much worse could the Google Image results be? SO MUCH WORSE.

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