I don't know if it's just me, but when someone tells me not to Google something, I immediately do it. It's a sickness, I swear to God. Because I can't think of a single instance where whatever I discovered online after being explicitly warned against looking for it didn't live up to my awful expectations. In other words, when people say not to Google something, they usually have a damn good reason.
So why am I sharing this roundup post of things to never ever Google, knowing full well that some readers are going to Google them anyway, and I will be the one to blame for any subsequent discomfort? Because I am a very, very, very bad person, that's why.
Go ahead. Keep reading … oh, brave ones …
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Now that I've included that dire disclaimer, let me go ahead and assure everyone who's still here that I am not including anything in this lineup that's gory or insanely horrific. Nope, no gruesome car crashes or repulsive sexual acts are featured here, okay? That said, here are a few dozen-plus things to never ever type into Google's search box …
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Clock spider
I can't even type those words without my scalp crawling. Now, I have a THING about spiders so your creep factor on this one may vary, but if you're a fellow arachnophobe, you definitely definitely don't want to Google Image Search this term.
Trypophobia
Another Google Image term that returns a surprisingly upsetting number of visuals. Trypohphobia is also known as repetitive pattern phobia, a fear of objects with clusters of small holes. What a ridiculous thing to be scared of, who even OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS SHIT.
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"Bear" by Marian Engel
Is Marian Engel's "Bear" a REAL book? A real book about a woman's erotic affair with a BEAR? A real book including the following real passage: "Her menstrual fever made him more assiduous"??? I don't even want to know, you guys.
Any Medical Symptom
Don't do it. All roads lead directly to cancer.
Tetris Fanfic
Yes, there is fanfiction devoted to Tetris. Yes, some of it is pornographic. "I unbuttoned the blue pixel I had on my lower half and instructed her on the ways of foreplay. As her top pixel met my bottom pixel, I let out an ecstatic sigh. Such pleasure I had never experienced in my life …"
Wet koala
Eventually the Internet will inform you that the viral image of a "wet koala" is in fact fake. But not before you are SCARRED FOR LIFE by the damp, fanged, rage-filled creature someone dreamed up via Photoshop.
Snapewives
According to the Urban Dictionary, "A group of middle-aged women on the internet who believe they are all married to Severus Snape from the Harry Potter books — on the astral plane. They have real-life meetings where they take turns channeling the spirit of Snape so they can have wedding ceremonies with him." There are photos. There are videos. There are blogs. There are … emotions.
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Peanut, the world's ugliest dog
Once you see Peanut, you can never unsee him. Don't say you weren't warned.
Coconut Crab
Sounds sort of tasty, right? Sure, in the sense that seeing one will eat your brain alive with horror. (A runner-up: the star-nosed mole.)
Mucus Plug
Maybe you're pregnant and wondering what to look for. Maybe you should just use your imagination on this one.
Smokers' lungs
You can probably guess that googling photos of smokers' lungs ain't gonna be pretty.
Bedbugs on Mattress
SWEET JESUS NO.
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Skin Condition
Nope, you don't have to be more specific than that — Google will return a plethora of terrible visuals for you to choose from.
Elephantiasis
Don't do it. Just … don't.
Yourself
Either you'll find no proof whatsoever of your existence, or you'll realize just how screwed-up your Internet legacy will be. There's no happy outcome here.
Megan Fox's thumbs
Did you know actress Megan Fox essentially has toes for thumbs? Did you WANT to know this?
Lamprey eel
You're probably looking at the photo I included here and thinking, how much worse could the Google Image results be? SO MUCH WORSE.
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