You know that time that you ripped your kid's Spiderman figurine from his hands because you were tired and hungry and just once wanted a quiet dinner for the love of God? And then he screamed, louder than you thought possible, "I HATE YOU!" OK, well the good news is that he probably didn't, in that moment. The bad news is that he might grow up to really hate you if you mess something up now.
No matter what you do, there's a chance that your kid will turn out fine and you'll have a healthy relationship with him or her despite the fights over the superhero toys.
But there are some things you might be doing that will hurt your chances of getting that perfect Gilmore Girls relationship you've been craving. And thankfully, the scientists have come to our rescue. It turns out researchers have been studying how parents drive their kids batty for years! And we've gathered all their research to help you straighten up.
More from The Stir: 18 Best Comebacks for When Your Kid Says 'I Hate You'
So if you think your kids maybe might hate you (or if you know they do), here's what you're doing wrong:
- You hover. Bad news, helicopter moms: science says back off. According to a study from the University of Missouri, two year olds who were heavily controlled by their moms were more likely to dislike spending time with them as 10 year olds.
- You play favorites. It seems obvious that the less-liked sibling will harbor resentment towards their parents, but it turns out that the golden children are negatively affected, too. Sadly, 70 percent of moms fall into the trap of playing favorites, and only 15 percent of kids feel that they and their siblings were treated equally.
- You push them too hard. A 2013 study from the University of Texas showed that being a 'tiger mom' (setting extremely high expectations and severe restricitions) doesn't work. Sure, there will be the occasional super succesful kid that tiger moms strive for, but more often than not the kids have low academic achievement, greater psychological malajustment, and more resentment for their parents.
- You divorced when they were young. Divorce can be difficult for children's mental health no matter the scenario, but anxiety and aloofness as a result of divorce is more dramatic in younger children. Also, kids will bond more with the parent they primarily live with, which is usually their moms. So, even if you feel like your kid hates you, remember: they probably hate the other parent more.
- You push your beliefs on them. Raising kids into a strong belief system — whether political or religious or something else — can be a recipe for family tension. If they grow up and decided they don't agree with your opinions anymore, then they'll either resent you for forcing them into a belief system they don't agree with, or they'll feel like they're fighting you just by going with what they believe.
- You and your partner argue about money in front of them. Very specific? Yes. But also pretty common these days. And thanks to a study in the Journal of Research on Adolescence, we now know that it's also pretty damaging to your kid's mental health, as well as their relationship with you.
- You use your phone too much. Phone, tablet, Google Glasses (ha) — whatever it is, your kids don't like it. More specifically, they don't like competing with a piece of metal for your attention.
- You love them conditionally. You probably don't mean to, but it's actually pretty easy to accidentally teach kids that you only love them when they please you. Do you ever find yourself withholding affections from kids who disobey and not saying "I love you" when you're angry? Psychologists call this conditional parenting, and though it's great for getting kids to behave, it also leads to a deep-seated resentment from kids for their parents.
Are you guilty of any of these? Do you think your kids hate you?
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