Ah, pregnancy. That magical time when women just glow, enjoy having fabulous hair and cleavage, and quietly celebrate the new life forming inside of them. Or, like the vast majority of women who are expecting a baby, we all spend nine months barfing in public, passing gas, crying randomly, choking down heartburn, huffing and puffing up every stair, and generally embarrassing ourselves in all kinds of ways no one warned us about.
Pregnancy is hard and, yes, because it involves massive changes in our bodies — including our most basic bodily functions — sometimes it comes with some wildly mortifying moments. Any woman who is expecting and intends to venture out in public, like ever, is hereby encouraged to read this "guide" to all the ways one might possibly lose a little bit of her dignity along the way. And for anyone who's already been there, well, it's nice to know we're not alone, right?
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On the condition that I not share their names, I got 16 of my friends to share their most embarrassing with-child situations. Read on for real stories of tears, poop, wet pants, and even one sexy moment gone seriously awry. For anyone who's about to become a mother, there's one major truth we might as well reveal now: Laughter is the best medicine for all the fun and troubles to come.
Gas Attack
"I had THE WORST gas during my pregnancy. It was so bad once when I was shopping that I thought I was like in labor. I was trying to walk and breathe my way through it. Finally I let out a massive fart in the Yankee Candle store and felt instantly better. It was so loud and stinky that I just had to leave the store." — A.B.
Pee Problem
"I was very close to my due date and I always felt like I needed to pee as if it was an emergency. I had already used the bathroom twice at the grocery store and just wanted to get home (thinking it was a false pee alarm). As I got out of the car, the urgency turned into leaking. I didn't make it to the door. I squatted in the side yard in full view and peed through my pants. I am not sure if anyone saw me, but I was pretty embarrassed." — B.P.
Questions
"I taught preschool during both of my pregnancies, so there was a constant stream of questions and touching. Once a child was touching my stomach and asked, 'Is this the baby?'
"Then he grabbed my chest and asked, 'All this is the baby too?' Total face-palm moment." — A.M.
So Sick
"The whole seventh month of my pregnancy was pretty embarrassing for me. I was so sick but whenever I coughed I peed my pants. I went through my whole stash of postpartum pads before the baby even came." — M.E.
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Fat Lip
"One morning, when I was in the morning sickness zone, I was running to the toilet, lifted the lid, and hit myself in the lip. I ended up with a fat lip for days and vomit all over myself." — A.L.
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Cup of What?
"I broke my foot three weeks before giving birth. One evening I had to pee so bad and we didn't have a bathroom on the main level so I peed in a cup. In the living room. I washed it really well but my husband demanded I throw the cup away." — K.F.
Daily Mortification
"I developed an inguinal hernia in the third trimester with my first pregnancy, and it came back right away in the first trimester with my second. Basically, my intestines were falling out of my cooch. It was soooooooo painful. The only thing that helped was wearing what I called my hernia holder, which was basically like a lady jock strap. It was lacy. Why? I don't know. Because nothing in the history of unsexy things has ever been unsexier than my hernia holder. My husband and midwives were the only ones who ever saw it, but it just felt mortifying putting it on every day." — K.S.
Winter Moment
"I was seven months pregnant, walking out of school, in January, with a 3-year-old on my hip and a glass 9×13 pan in the other hand (I brought a snack that day). I slipped on some ice and, trying to not crush my belly or my toddler or break the dish, fell awkwardly backwards with one foot under me. I heard my ankle 'crunch.' Lots of people were around to help but that also meant I was super embarrassed and felt like a beached whale. I spent the next five weeks wobbling around on crutches with a terribly sprained ankle. Bonuses: I didn't break my 9×13 pan and my daughter potty trained herself — including wiping! — while I was laid up on the couch since I couldn't get up to change her diapers or help her wipe!" — M.O.
Veggie Revenge
"My body hates that I'm hungry for vegetables this pregnancy. It sometimes hates me so much that it decides to get revenge. Revenge happened at the tiny toddler park with no bathrooms. Yep, pooped myself.
"I called my husband in a panic and he misunderstood me and just parked at home and walked over. By then I'd packed up the screaming 2-year-old (we'd played like seven minutes before THE INCIDENT) and was trying to walk home. I thankfully had a long-sleeve black hoodie on with a shirt underneath so I had something to tie around my waist as we walked over the big bridge with 5:30 traffic zooming by. So embarrassing." — L.M.
Keeping It Classy
"I was at Target (with my mom and son) and I used the unisex bathroom by the pharmacy. The guy before me came out and hadn't flushed or put the seat down. I was so irritated by this that I flipped around and started yelling at him. Not even in a passive-aggressive way. Nope. I trailed after him, telling him he should be ashamed of himself and to be considerate of others. Later on in that trip, I walked around the store eating fried chicken, so obviously the epitome of class here." — L.D.
Gag Reflex
"I was on pelvic rest, so no nookie until the baby came. My husband was a trooper about it. One day we were on a picnic and I decided to give him some oral action. I figured just because I couldn't have fun, doesn't mean he had to suffer.
"BAD IDEA. I forgot how terrible my gag reflex is when I'm pregnant. I basically started to go down on him, and then gagged so hard that I ended up barfing right in his lap. So sexy." — F.R.
In the Yard
"I had terrible hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) so I was throwing up all the time. I lost 60 lbs from post-pregnancy weight. By the end I was just eating whatever I wanted and throwing it up like it was totally normal to do. One day I decided we needed McDonald's breakfast (something I never normally want). I ordered the big breakfast and ate it fast, because I was starving, during the three-block car ride home. When we pulled up I was like 'Oh sh*t it's coming back up!'
"Started to run for the door and my 6-year-old slipped on ice and started crying. I went to get him, slipped, and fell directly on my tail bone, and screamed a curse word loudly. Then I threw up all over myself and peed myself from vomiting. My neighbor came over to help and I explained I have HG and she said 'Oh yes, I was wondering if you were pregnant because I saw you vomiting in the yard before.' I literally was just vomiting all day, every day, everywhere. So embarrassing." — K.K.
Boss Lady
"I was leading a meeting at work when I felt my stomach starting to gurgle. I was trying to hold it in but when I leaned forward to grab a dry erase marker, I let out a massive and very loud fart. It smelled terrible and clearly everyone heard it. I got so flustered that I just burst into tears. My staff was so embarrassed for me." — H.K.
Belly Button Pop
"I was wearing a more form-fitting dress and one of my junior high students walked into class and said 'WHOA. Your belly button is crazy. What the hell?'
"He instantly turned red and I was so torn between being amused and being offended. But then I told our principal about it and he was like 'Well, that's what you get for wearing a dress that tight.'
"I didn't even know what to say. I was so embarrassed and mad." — S.F.
Like a Mother
"I was three days overdue and was so tired and cranky. My OB suggested that she strip my membranes to get things started. I didn't actually know what that meant but the thought of finally getting into labor made me willing to go for it.
"Um, do you know how much that hurts? I was so surprised at how much it hurt that I just blurted out 'Mother f*cker! Stop!' at my very nice doctor. Then I burst into tears. So fun." — D.E.
Oh, Boy!
"I was so sure I was going to have a girl. I had dreams of a girl, felt like a girl energy, just thought I knew. And then we had the ultrasound and it was a boy.
"I was so startled that I burst into tears and just couldn't stop crying. Like, couldn't stop but cried so hard I peed my pants. I had to borrow some scrub bottoms from the ultrasound place to get home. My husband was like 'Who is this crazy lady and what happened to my wife?'" — S.Y.
