Sometimes grief makes us do questionable things. But for one couple, it isn't exactly clear who is being foolish and who is being completely reasonable. As the husband explained, his pregnant wife's abusive ex-boyfriend recently died in a motorcycle accident, and now she's convinced that they should name their baby after him. Obviously, he's not interested in naming his child after another man, especially one who treated his wife so poorly, but he isn't sure how to let her know that while she's mourning a sensitive death. Is there a right way to tell her no?
Things got complicated after the writer's wife discovered that her abusive ex-boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident.
As he explained on Reddit, his wife had an intense on-again-off-again relationship with her ex, but eventually she ended things for good when he became abusive.
Since their relationship ended, he and his wife began going out, got married, and are pregnant with their first baby.
"Last week, I was sitting in the kitchen studying until I heard my wife yell out, crying," he wrote. "She had difficulty speaking, but, she eventually showed me a post on facebook that a mutual friend between her and her ex had posted. Her ex had gotten into a motorcycle accident and had died."
Grief-stricken, his wife asked him a special favor: Could they name their baby after her ex?
Though he didn't think much of the death, he understood that she would be upset since she had dated the ex on and off for four years. "I console my wife and help her get to bed, letting her know that I'm here for her," he wrote.
But later she brought up her request of wanting to name their unborn baby, who happens to be their firstborn, after him. "I hesitated for a bit and told her that I feel uncomfortable with it," he wrote. "For one, it's her ex. Second, he was abusive. Why would she want to honor someone like that?"
But apparently his wife wasn't ready to hear the word "no."
"My wife got pretty upset and just wouldn't hear me out on my reasons. She won't talk to me at all," he wrote.
Is he wrong for telling her there was no way they would name their baby after her ex-boyfriend?
People were pretty sure the writer was right about this one. There was no reason to name his baby after another man.
"No, you are not in the wrong," one person wrote. "Give her time the come round. This whole situation is pretty new. Stick to your guns on this one. Be as blunt in explaining to her why it's inappropriate and unfair — this is her ex, but this child is going to be yours (as in, both of yours of course). Between you and her, and not her ex. You are so sorry about what happened with him, but you don't agree with naming your child after him, as you are the father — not him."
And someone else advised that he needed to be firm. "Say no. Be compassionate, but stand your ground on this one. You don’t want your kid to have a name you’ll resent. Chances are, she won’t either, years down the line," the person commented.
"Uhh this is messed (up)," another person wrote. "Sounds like she needs therapy to help her with the grief. You two should probably go to couples counseling too."
And some people even suggested that maybe the baby wasn't his ...
"Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not your child," one person wrote.
"Get a paternity test ASAP," another person agreed. "If kid is yours, this is the hill you die on — no way it can be named after her ex. If kid is not yours — divorce."
"I would get a paternity test just to be safe," a third person wrote.
In an update to his original post, the dad-to-be explained that he sat his wife down and told her that there was no way this was going to happen.
After getting feedback from people online, the writer later explained that he laid down the law. "I did tell her that there is absolutely no way we’re naming our baby after her ex (or, any of our kids, if we have even more). She agreed and apologized for acting irrational," he wrote.
He also clarified that he isn't worried about getting a paternity test. "I know that I’m 100% the father," he wrote. But, "I still did ask if she was still in love with her ex and is she did cheat. She adamantly said no."
And when he asked her why it was so important to name their baby after her ex, she told him her awful secret.
Although it was hard for her to admit, his wife eventually told him that after she broke up with her ex, "the last thing she told him was that she wished he would fall off his bike and die. Also, the bike that he died riding on was a bike that she strongly suggested that he buy, even though it wasn’t his first choice."
She also was scared of her life changing. Once baby comes she won't be able to race motorcycles and to her, "her life is about to change when she really didn’t want it" to change.
"Regardless, she kept stressing out to me on how she wouldn’t change a thing about her life now and that she’s happy to be married to me and is going to be a mom," the writer continued. "We’re the best things that has ever happened to her."
He added that anxiety runs in her family, which is why she might be focusing a little too hard on her ex's death. "My wife gets intrusive thoughts about how her ex died too. It’s so bad that she has a hard time sleeping sometimes," the man wrote. Which is why they decided to get her some support.
"After discussing things, she decided that she’ll be going into therapy. She has her first appointment this week."
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