When your teenager starts acting crazy and gets in trouble, it can sometimes be tough to devise an effective punishment. It's not quite the same "learning a lesson" stuff you used in earlier times when your toddler got a time-out. It gets trickier the older children get. This can be compounded when you're co-parenting with someone who disagrees with your style.
Is it OK to ground a teenager? Sure. Should it be for more than a day? Could be. What about their birthday? Should you hold them captive that day too? One mom says yes, but her ex disagrees. A mom posted to Reddit's AITA form to discuss her teen daughter and discipline. She thinks she must lay down the hammer and cancel the girl's birthday. Her dad thinks this is too harsh and wants to celebrate anyway. The original poster is grappling with whether she is a mean mom for her views.
Her daughter is on lockdown.
OP explained that her daughter misbehaved, and she believed that the best way to handle things was to ground her for a few days. One of those days, however, happens to be her birthday.
"My 15 year old daughter did something that warranted a 4-day punishment. Her bday is tomorrow. And this is her 2nd of punishment. I cancelled her birthday as part of punishment and the other part is not allowing her to go out for 4 days," she explained.
She also noted that her daughter still has her electronics. Are you really grounded if you have access to the whole world in the palm of your hand? That seems a bit weird.
So what did the teen do?
OP shared that her daughter broke her stepfather's antique vase. The girl swore it was an accident, but her stepfather doesn't believe that because she once called it "ugly."
Things went from bad to worse when the teen started arguing and talking back to her stepdad. OP decided not to let her leave the house but gave some pretty big leeway.
"I let her have the electronics so she could stay in touch with family since her dad and his family cried abuse when I took her electronics and limited contact," the mom explained.
OP's ex is not in agreement with the punishment she doled out.
It sounds like OP's daughter went to her dad and told him what was happening. He contacted his ex to find out what was going on and why she canceled their daughter's birthday. He told her that if she wasn't going to celebrate with the teen then he would.
"I said that he can't throw her the party when she's grounded and isn't allowed to leave the house for days. He called me [ridiculous] but I told him that he was encouraging bad behavior and acting like the cool parent instead of working with me on fixing these behavioral issues," she wrote.
OP's ex is putting his foot down in defense of his daughter.
In a kind of "You're not the boss of me" move, OP's ex said he would do what he wanted for their daughter despite what her mom had to say.
"He said that since he's also the parent then I cannot stop him from throwing her a party and he'll do it tomorrow. We got into a big argument and my husband agrees that my ex is being an enabler," she wrote.
That is true. He is her dad, however, and should have a say, shouldn't he?
And then the grands stepped in.
It didn't stop with the teenager's parents because the grandparents got involved as well, and everyone is now taking sides. They think OP is unreasonable and needs to let their daughter's father celebrate her birthday if he wants to. They want her to put off the punishment for a day and let the girl have some fun. She refused.
"I feel like he's undermining my parenting and deliberately going against my input," she wrote.
So, who's in the wrong?
First, what evidence is there that the girl actually broke the vase?
Redditors want some proof. It seems OP is just blaming her because of circumstantial evidence. It's not like there is video or anything. The teen said it was ugly. So what?
"You literally said in a comment she ACCIDENTALLY broke a vase, just because she said once was ugly does not mean it was on purpose. Congrats on letting your new husband be a complete and total D— to your daughter. You SERIOUSLY think you aren't the a–hole for cancelling her BIRTHDAY over this??? I truly truly truly hope your ex gets full custody," one person commented.
"Its totally B — in fact, the punishment itself is not warranted," another person agreed. "OP said the daughter broke her stepfather's antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then 'spoke' back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all."
Someone else also was outraged on the daughter's behalf, writing, "She accidentally broke an ugly antique vase and just because she talked back to her step father you canceled her birthday! Even if she did it on purpose like you believe you are still TA for trying to dictate what her father does at his own house you can't stop him from throwing her a birthday."
This punishment seems a bit ridiculous.
People really don't get why OP allowed the teen to keep using her electronics. Her daughter could spend a whole lot of time scrolling in four days.
"And why does she still have her electronics if what she did was that bad? There is a lot of grey area, YTA this is not how you punish kids," someone wrote.
"YTA you only get so many birthdays and considering this only warrants a 4 day punishment and electronics still available, im gonna assume FOR NOW what she did wasnt THAT bad to warrant a complete cancellation of a sweet 16 that already had invitations mailed out," another comment read.
"You can't even be bothered to take away the electronics aside from for school purposes, because then you'd have to do something resembling actual parenting rather than sitting her in front of a TV or smartphone," someone else wrote. "And you get out of the work of having a party. This all seems pretty win-win for you. But it won't do a d—ed thing to improve her overall attitude toward you or her stepdad, so, good luck with that."
Oof, that person really went for it.
Redditors agree with dad — the celebration goes on.
This birthday is a big deal. All birthdays are to kids. They want to be the center of attention, which is OK. OP needs to think back on her childhood. Wouldn't she have wanted that?
"But also if her dad wants to throw her a party during his time with her, he can do that if he wants," one person wrote. "He doesn't need your permission. You should've discussed the punishment with her father (not her step father) and deemed what the appropriate punishment would be if any."
OP's ex has every right to celebrate with his daughter, someone else agreed. "I do not blame the dad in the slightest for celebrating his kid's bday. OP is being unreasonable and ridiculous. The daughter is also at an age where she can choose who she lives with. I wouldn't be shocked if she left to live with her dad away from her mom/stepdad."
And then, there was a bit of a warning for OP.
"Yes, her dad should throw her a party. A really big party to make up a little for the abuse she's enduring at your home," someone else chimed in. "Please dont forget, if this is your MO, she will go no contact with you as soon as she's able to escape your home."
OP, Redditors think you're out of line.
Redditors were all over the mom on this one and agreed that she is the a–hole. She is punishing her daughter for something that might have happened. She has zero proof, but her husband's assumption that she deliberately destroyed the vase is total BS.
Instead, Redditors want the dad to celebrate his daughter and tell her how much he loves her. She deserves it.
OP, it sounds like you need to take a better look at what's happening in your house and with your husband. He seems to be the bad guy here.
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