Divorced couples know that there’s no terrain trickier to navigate than child care and custody. But would you go the lengths that one dad did when his ex asked him to be child care backup? On the one hand, the dad did end up picking up their 5-year-old daughter. On the other hand, he also charged his ex because he had to take off work.
The couple shares a 5-year-old daughter.
The Original Poster (OP) prides himself in upholding their custody agreement “to the tee.”
“I make sure everything else in my life will agree with our agreement because I know that's what's best for S—,” he explained in a post on the Am I the A–hole forum.
“My ex … I can't say the same,” he wrote. “She's never been a very organized person and after our breakup it seems to me like her life has been even more disheveled since I'm no longer around to bear that load.”
A few weeks ago, the stuff really hit the fan.
The OP got a call at 7 a.m. demanding that he come over and pick up his daughter S— because his ex’s child care fell through.
“Her normal childcare (her mom) and her backup (her sister) are not available,” OP shared that she told him.
The ex's grandfather fell the night before, and both her sister and her mother were at the hospital with him.
The OP was furious because this was the third time last-minute child care has been dropped on him this year.
The set-up just wasn’t working for him.
“The last two times I wasn't working so it wasn't a big deal to me … but now I am. I can't just bail on work to get S— for her on days when she's supposed to be taking care of her,” he explained.
The problem is two-fold because the OP recently started a new job.
Although he didn’t want to leave a bad impression, there didn’t seem to be another answer.
So the OP called his boss and explained the situation “and he said it was cool, but he reminded me that I'm a new employee so I didn't have any paid time off, and that in general it doesn't look good for new employees to call-off last minute. I said I understand, and picked up my daughter,” he recalled.
When his ex came to pick up their daughter the next day, he asked her for $100 to cover the pay he lost from taking the day off.
“I lost money by not going to work today,” he reasoned. “I understand it was an emergency, but this is your fault for not having proper backup.
“Our agreement says I pay you child support to cover partial childcare costs when S— is with you, but then I turn around and provide the childcare,” he explained. “I can't both not work and still pay … it's literally impossible.”
The OP’s ex took the news about as well as you could imagine.
That is to say, she got very, very angry.
“She started screaming and said she's not going to pay me to watch my own daughter,” he recalled. “She called me a piece of s— for trying to capitalize on her family emergency.
“She called her Mom on the phone so she can yell at me too,” he added. “I stood my ground and collected my $100.”
Now he’s wondering if they went too far to make his point.
“Its not even about the money it was about sending the message that she's not being a responsible parent and she needs to face harsher penalties due to her lack of preparation. Grandpa is now fine, BTW,” he added.
Some people thought the OP was right.
"Was ready to call you an a–hole, but youre right you can’t pay her to pay for a sitter take the cash and then make you watch the kid missing out on the work needed to pay the sitter, so [Not]TA," someone commented.
"Reading through the story, it's obvious your partner cannot take care of your kid," someone else wrote, adding this:
"I mean, come on. First off, they can't drive while they have a job, and then they have almost no resources for outside help and almost no support system? Also, why the hell do you get to pay partial when she is working? Does she do the same for you? Is there such a large financial difference that she has to have the assistance? This is another reason I'm thinking maybe she shouldn't be caring for your daughter."
Yet another person agreed that this dad was not being a jerk. "Her work is not more important than yours. WTH? If you had had a day off and there was an emergency on her side, suuuure. But you’re both in the same situation except it’s HER week."
Other people thought there was something fishy about the OP’s story.
"Did I miss something somewhere that he says they have equal custody? All I saw is him saying they have an arrangement that he follows to the tee," one commenter pointed out, adding this:
"We don’t know the actual split. If he only has the kid every other weekend … three times in last year is not unreasonable. If they are indeed 50/50, then I might be slightly more on his side, but healthy coparenting relationships sometimes mean parents have to do what’s best for the kid on the others time. OP really goes out of his way to paint his ex in a s—y light. His pettiness isn’t going to create a harmonious coparenting relationship."
"I’m going against the grain: [You're the A–hole]," another commenter agreed. "Grandpa was in the hospital, child care fell through, that happens. Your options were to tell her you weren’t available and she’d have to take the day off work. Or to tell her up front, I can take the day off work, but I need you to reimburse me $100. Don’t bill her after the fact.
"Having a child doesn’t always perfectly align with the court order," the person continued. "Sometimes you have to go above and beyond. I’m going to guess mom has primary custody and does the bulk of the day to day work in raising the child. Taking a day off to help in a family emergency isn’t like a crazy situation."
Another person agreed the dad was being a jerk. "Child care emergencies happen, and as a parent, it's also on you to be part of the solution. Why is she the only one responsible? Your daughter is your responsibility as well," someone else.
That commenter also had this to say:
"You're talking three times in a year. Three. Only one of which was you having to take a day off work. Why wouldn't you be a reasonable choice if you're not working and daycare craps out? It's extra time with your kid. Willing to bet that your ex has taken off far more for your child being ill, dr's appts, etc. Do you pay her when she has to miss a day from work to take care of your daughter? Why shouldn't you be included in emergency childcare plans? It's your daughter."
In the end, it's hard to say who was wrong, but the OP and his ex should probably have another conversation about their custody agreement — and find another babysitter stat.
