When my kids were younger, I would always either tell them "yes" or "no" when they asked for something. It was all kind of a blur because I had three toddlers at once, but I think I remember hearing on some nanny show that your kids need to know what to expect. I also remember learning you should tell them something and stick to it, otherwise they view you as a pushover or someone who can be easily influenced.
Now, I agree with most of that sentiment, but even more so, I believe you need to do what’s best for you at times. A big part of parenting is about survival and we are allowed to change our minds and explain to our children that things come up.
After all, they take it just as hard if you have to cancel plans they’ve been looking forward to if their sibling gets sick as they do when you simply change your mind because you are beyond exhausted.
Kids honestly don’t know how to see much beyond their own world.
There are those times we say “no” to something because we are stressed or overwhelmed, then regret that too because we calm down, realize we can take it on, and we do it with (or for) them anyway. The thing about that is, the next time you say “no” those smart kids (who can’t remember to put their dishes in the dishwasher), remember that you will probably give in and they bug the hell out of you thinking you are going to change your mind.
But also, after saying “yes” enough times when I was feeling spry and in a good mood only to then regret it, I realized there is power in simply saying “maybe.” Telling our kids "maybe" may give us the time we need to think about it, or gives us space to see how the rest of the day plays out.
I now have three teenagers and the only word that works for me these days is "maybe."
In fact, I just used it today. They all want to go to the local fair with their friends in a few hours. When they asked me, it was the first thing this morning and I was thinking about all the things I had to get done — work, we are dog sitting, this house needs cleaning, I have to go to the grocery store, and I need to pick up a prescription.
I’m not sure when I’m going to get everything done, or if I’ll have anything left to pick up a few of their friends, get them to the fair, then pick them up in a few hours.
So, I told them we would see how I felt after I knocked after my to-do list.
Now, my youngest is upstairs doing some of the cleaning — he knows what I want to get done, so if that’s not proof that “maybe” works on your kids, I don’t know what is.
Saying maybe to your kids is so much better than breaking your word (we’ve all been there though, life happens), and feels a lot better than speaking too soon and telling them “no” and missing out on a good time (or some quiet time for yourself).
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve said "no” to my kids when they’ve wanted to go to a friend’s house just because I was too overwhelmed to drive them there and get everything else done I needed to do. When, the reality of it is if I’d taken the 15 minutes to drive, I could have stopped for a nice coffee and taken a second to breathe on the way home and enjoy some time just for myself before diving back into chores.
There is power in a lot of words and "maybe" wields a lot of it.
It’s OK to let your kids know you aren’t sure what the day is going to bring and you want to wait and see. They don’t always need an immediate answer and neither do you.
Life happens and teaching our kids to be flexible is a gift. However, I find the best part is getting them to help out, get along, or cooperate if they know that “maybe” will turn into a “yes” because of their efforts.
