TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about miscarriage, which may be triggering to some.
It’s always nice when your family wants to get involved with your kids, but one woman thinks her sister-in-law is doing more than offering her support. In fact, she wrote into the Am I The A–hole forum and explained that her SIL, who recenlty miscarried, seems to be acting like her newborn baby is hers. “All I wanted was to bond with my baby and she was there all the time,” the mom explained.
About four months ago, the woman's SIL had a miscarriage when she was 7 months along in her pregnancy.
Her SIL had already done so much shopping and planning. She even had her baby boy’s nursery all ready to go.
She “even bought a few pack of diapers and bottles because, due to some health issues she'd been having, she decided to go with formula,” the Original Poster (OP) wrote in her post.
“It was absolutely devastating, especially for my brother because he was looking forward to becoming a dad,” she shared.
Meanwhile, the OP gave birth to her own son about a month ago.
Back when she was pregnant, her SIL came to visit and offered up all of the baby clothes and supplies she would no longer need.
“My husband is currently on deployment and is away from home, I was so happy and thanked them for their generosity,” she explained.
But even after the baby was born, her SIL kept bringing over more stuff.
And she had ideas for how the OP could feed her baby too.
"She also brought in the formula even though I was breastfeeding and didn't need that, she said the formula was for when she feeds my baby and asked if it was okay, she and my brother would change the diapers and dress my baby [in] the clothes they bought and do mix-and-match," the OP continued. "And how they would've dressed their deceased baby the same way."
Truthfully, it was all starting to bother the new mom.
This was her baby, after all, not her SIL's. Wasn’t it a bit odd that when her husband video chatted with them, her son was dressed in clothes that his sister bought?
"She's always holding him, and would take him out of his nursery without telling me, she sometimes sleeps in our nursery saying the baby might need something," she added.
She even stopped calling him by his name and instead started using a "nickname" for him -- the same nickname she wanted to give her son.
Everything boiled over when her SIL asked if the baby could have a "sleepover" at her house.
"I yelled at my SIL after she kept insisting and told her to stop trying to take my baby from me and treat him like her son," she wrote. "My brother lashed out at me and called me ungrateful while she was crying telling him they needed to leave, my mom watched it all and sided with my brother who said that I should pay for everything they gave me and that they didn't want to take the stuff back for my baby's sake."
The OP and her SIL haven’t spoken since the argument.
"My mom keeps talking to my sister-in-law and I could hear her cry on the speaker. I felt guilty but all I wanted was to bond with my baby and she was there all the time."
Most people in the comments agreed: Her SIL was being inappropriate, but there's something deeper going on.
"Not T A–hole, but your SIL is grieving and needs to see a therapist," one commenter advised.
"Pretending your son is her baby is not helping her heal or get help, because in her mind she already has a baby," someone else agreed. "NTA, but keep an eye, give them everything back and get out as fast as you can."
A third person put it this way:
"The SIL ISN'T grieving, which is the problem. She's found a way to put her grief on pause — like parents who keep their kids room as a shrine. She definitely needs help, and OP needs to keep VERY clear boundaries in place. No more gifts, no more clothes, no more nicknames. If they won't take the stuff back, then donate it. DO NOT let it be associated with your son, because SIL is using it as a touchstone for her illusions. Shut that down, and quick. DO NOT leave her alone with your son in any capacity. She needs help, and until she gets it, it's up to Original Poster to protect her kid however she can."
A few people thought it was on the mom for not setting boundaries earlier.
"You should have talked to your brother first rather than yelling at her," one commenter wrote.
Someone else wrote that she was in the wrong "for saying it was especially devastating for your brother who was looking forward to being a dad. You made it clear very early on in your post that you don’t give a d–n about your SIL’s feelings. Should she do what she is doing… no. But you don’t seem to give a f–k she is grieving and needs help."
"Unpopular opinion here. I think you are a bit of an a–hole tbh," a third commenter agreed. "Your SIL is not acting ok at all and clearly needs some help but it seems to me like you hadn’t discussed this with her before you snapped at her so she thought you were ok with everything.
"You could have handled it more delicately than you did and maybe spoken to your brother first about your concerns," the commenter added. "I don’t think you are wrong to be concerned but I do think you dealt with it badly."
The mom needs to sit her SIL down and have a long talk with her about how she's feeling. If she can encourage her to go to therapy to talk about her pregnancy loss, that's great! If not, she should slowly start to put more distance between her son and his aunt, while trying to make it clear that she's there to be supportive but that can't include as much time with her son. It's a tricky situation, but the OP has to both show her SIL kindness and protect the well-being of her child.
