Remember when people had kids' birthday parties at their houses with a game of pin the tail on the donkey, presents, a slice of cake, and then everyone went home? Those days are long gone, and now everyone is competing to throw the biggest bash for their kid's birthday. When kids are younger, parents often accompany their children to the party, but that tends to end as the kids get older. As long as all parties are comfortable, there's usually nothing wrong with dropping off your kid for a few hours.
A dad is planning a big event for his daughter's ninth birthday, and about 30 kids plan to attend. This includes one of her classmates who is autistic. The dad has always taught his daughter to include everyone and welcomes all the kids in his home. But a tricky situation arose, and now he is trying to figure out how to proceed.
Some of the kids are staying the night, and the mother of the boy with autism wants to leave him at the party while she has a day to herself. The dad knows that the boy has some behavior differences and, because he is inexperienced with autism, requested that the boy's mother stay at the party with him. She flipped and told everyone that her son was uninvited from the party. The dad explained the situation on Reddit's AITA forum, asking for guidance.
The original poster is a single dad planning a fun party for his daughter and her friends.
OP, 37, wants his daughter G's ninth birthday to be the best. They are having a pool party with fun activities and a sleepover. G invited her friend, A, who is autistic, to the party. OP wrote, "A is very low functioning. I guess he's prone to getting easily overwhelmed and will start to shutdown/outburst."
The boy's mother, who is also a single parent, wants OP to take care of A for the day and overnight so she can get some time to herself. OP thinks this is unreasonable and feels uncomfortable with it because he has no experience with autistic people.
"A's mother got really upset with me, telling me I don't understand how hard it is for single moms to get alone time, and how A would be devastated that he wouldn't be able to attend and how happy he was to attend a party, since he rarely gets invited to things, among other things," he wrote.
Now A's mom is talking trash about the dad.
OP feels pretty bad about the whole thing, but A's mom is making it impossible. She is telling all the other parents that OP is a jerk and "uninvited" her kid from the party because of his autism. This has caused other parents to be uncomfortable around OP too.
"The parents that are staying offered to help with A, but they also have little to no experience with autistic children either. One parent on my side [said] A's mother did this to her at her son's party, and he definitely is a handful, so not to feel bad. So, AITA?" he asked.
Parents on Reddit with autistic kids quickly defended OP.
Plenty of parents out there are raising children who have differences, and they understand that not everyone knows how to deal with every situation. Moms and dads of autistic kids agree with OP.
"I am a mom of an autistic daughter. I would never leave my daughter alone at a party and she is older than 8 years old," one mom wrote. "Most of the time my daughter can manage without me but at parties there is a lot of noise and other triggers and she needs me for support. If the mom of the autistic boy really wants him to attend she should attend the party with him."
"NTA. As a single mom of an autistic child who hasn't had a break in a month, I would never consider leaving him at a birthday party for people he's not familiar with to take care of him," another parent agreed. "A's mother is an a–… he doesn't have to miss out… she can bring him and stay to take care of him."
OP is a party host, not a babysitter.
Does she actually want her son to attend the party or just want free babysitting? That was the big question on the minds of many Redditors who think she just wants a sitter.
"NTA! Autistic mom of someone on the spectrum, here. She wants a free babysitter. Shame on her for even attempting this," one mom shared. "Folks on the spectrum are often traumatized by untrained supervision/a lack of supervision. If she needs a night off, she can seek out the many services provided for Autistic folk or talk to her own family/friends."
"She's using this opportunity as a babysitter/free time for herself. At 8, I'd have never let my (autistic) son be left in that situation," another person wrote. "She asked you answered honestly, and now she's p—ed and petty that you're unwilling to care for her child for 12-18 hours."
"And I think ultimately, she's not seeing the bigger picture. Watching anyone else's child is a huge liability. And the reality is is that because of her child special-needs he's more likely to get hurt under your care," someone else commented. "You don't know what you're doing. You don't know his special requirements. If she really needs time alone, then maybe she should save up for a babysitter who can specialize in this so she can have a day to herself."
A should definitely come to the party, but his mom should be there too.
Redditors overwhelmingly agree that OP is not being a jerk. He is just trying to cover his bases and not put himself into a situation he is uncomfortable with and, ultimately, may be unable to control. A and his mom should be welcomed at the party with open arms and enjoy everything there is to offer, but A's mom needs to realize that she can't just leave him somewhere so she can get a break.
It may be time for her to expand her circle and find qualified people who can help her from time to time so she and A can live their best lives and not make other people feel guilty for not assuming her responsibility.
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