It was the summer of 2018 when my husband and I were inspired to adopt. A friend of mine had posted a video of a young boy who was in search of a forever family. We contacted his caseworker and were promptly asked if we had a completed home study. When we revealed that we had not, the gentleman we spoke to said that the first critical step was to obtain one.
We did our research and chose the Children and Youth Services through Salvation Army. The classes we attended gave us a lot of information on what we could expect regarding adoption. The thing that we were not prepared for is the waiting time for a placement. It is definitely the most draining part of the process.
You see, my husband and I are an ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) compliant household.
And as such, we can adopt a Native American child, which can be hard to find if you live in Pennsylvania. We have tried multiple avenues, including contacting individual tribes. Most of the time, they only foster within the state, unless a child of that nation is already a resident of Pennsylvania.
We are about 2 1/2 hours from New York State, where I have relatives on my father's side in Oneida. I have family who live in Anadarko, Oklahoma. We have asked for their help because that's where we are in this process. It's not easy being an ICWA compliant house in Pennsylvania.
It’s vital for us (and really others) to adopt a Native American child for several reasons.
The most important, however, is that they can remain in a Native household. They need to understand their culture and be able to practice it. When Native American children are not placed into an ICWA compliant home, their cultural identity is lost.
To put them into a non-Native household is a slap in the face. It harkens back to, “Kill the Indian, save the man.” A child of Native descent brings more money into a state’s government. It’s hard knowing that Native children are seen as more income than they are as a person.
The hardest part of the matching process came to a head this past winter.
Our family worker, Julie, and the State of Oklahoma were in the process of writing a contract for a young man. We thought it was weird that we hadn't heard anything from the child's caseworker and had Julie reach out. About a week after January 1, 2021, we found out from Julie that his caseworker chose another family.
To say we were heartbroken is an understatement. We were thrilled at the chance that we would finally be parents, only for it to be snatched back. When I read those words, I cried hard. My face was as red as Oklahoma clay. My eyelids were swollen, like the clouds that bring torrential downpour. My heart hurt, my eyes rained, my breath hitched in my chest, all because I felt defeated in that moment.
My husband and I have chosen the path of adoption due to other underlying health reasons, which included a hysterectomy in April 2020.
It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to adopt, however, we had discussed it prior to my hysterectomy. Originally looking at children’s profiles, we had intentions of adopting older children. The little boy who sparked our interest in adoption just turned 11 back in January of this year.
The reason we were looking at older children was because they’re the least likely to be adopted. As all children do, regardless of how they become part of a family, they can come with challenging behaviors. We have widened our search to younger children as well. It’s not easy using adoption websites because there’s big red letters stating that they were placed elsewhere. It’s even hard when that bright red font reads, “Not a match.”
We have continued to look for a child and still haven't found one.
It's painful to not have a child to call your own. And it's more than Christmas or Halloween. It's the first day of school or their first crush. It's the little celebrations that happen throughout the year. It's not being able to witness major life moments and milestones. It's pretending to be OK that it's taking longer than anticipated to be able to find that missing piece.
To the people who were able to match with a child quickly, I deeply envy you.
I wish you all the happiness and joy during this time, but I can’t help but pity us as well. Despite the struggle to complete our family, we’re going to keep trying. And for those who are looking to adopt, please do — don’t let our journey discourage you.
It can be hard at times trying to be patient, I would know. But we get to look forward to giving all the love we have to a child who deserves it. And I know I can’t wait until the day I get to meet my child.
"They may not have my eyes, they may not have my smile, but they have all my heart." — Unknown
