Since we were children, we've been fed the message that persistence and perserverence at all costs are the only way to "win." It doesn't matter if we are talking about dealing with a bully or having cancer treatments; there is a cultural expectation in America that to "give up" is to fail.
There's some merit to the idea. After all, succeeding in the face of adversity is practically an American pastime, especially for marginalized groups who rise above all odds. But over time, these motivational stories went from inspiring tales to almost bludgeoning retorts.
When gymnast Simone Biles announced that she was stepping back from the 2020 Olympics many scoffed at her decision, saying there was no honor in her choice and that if she was a real winner, she'd never have backed down.
Honestly, I think this might be the first time Simone walked away from the Olympics a true hero. And frankly, I hope if it ever came down to it, my son would quit, too.
I often like to joke that getting new hobbies is my hobby.
I am an incredibly creative person who loves to make things with their hands. I love to paint, to draw, and to craft. When I get an idea in my head, I go for it full throttle. A good percentage of the time, I produce something I am really proud of, it gets "out of my system" and then I'm done with it for a while. It really, really used to annoy some people in my life.
"But that's so good, imagine if you kept studying it, it'd be better"
"You could make money off of that, why don't you?"
I create for the love of it. It is a part of myself I don't really want capitalism to claim, and when I am done with it, I move on.
It's a small potatoes kind of example, but the sentiment remains: Not everything you do even if you are the best at it is for everyone's unlimited consumption. It's something Simone Biles gets.
"It takes tremendous insight and courage to acknowledge when you need help, both physically and mentally," LA podcast host of Parenting Understood, mom of two, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Michelle Tangeman tells CafeMom. "There is a forward trend in the US where we are starting to acknowledge that our mental health is equally as important as our physical health. However, we still have a long way to go. We need more public figures like Simone and Naomi Osaka to have the courage to be honest about how their mental health impacts not only their performance but their overall health."
Because the truth is, sacrificing that personal joy in the long run isn't worth all of the gold medals in the world. Protecting one's self and one's essence is far more valuable.
The idea that we must push forward, no matter what falls under the burgeoning term "toxic positivity."
"Toxic positivity is the idea that despite experiencing negative emotions, or any level of suffering, that one should (by self and others) should be happy or have a positive mindset," explains Tangeman. "Words and phrases like 'positives vibes only, please,' 'positive thoughts only,' and 'be grateful for what you have' that contribute to this idea of toxic positivity."
Essentially, it is a sunny way to say "suck it up." I never, ever want my son to do that in absolutely every facet of his life. If he signs up for football and absolutely hates it, or if he falls sick and can't make the big game, I don't want him to push through it. I want him to know his limits and protect himself.
That isn't to say I plan on letting my son slide through life the moment things get tough. There will be moments he has to push through in order to, well, survive and thrive.
Giving up for the wrong reasons can be just as detrimental and negatively character defining. According to Tangeman, there is always a balance.
"As parents, we go into 'fix it' mode as a natural response to our children's negative emotional experiences — it could look like toxic positivity, brushing it off, minimizing, and invalidating," she warns. "Rather validating their emotional experience, allowing and moving through discomfort, and teaching adaptive coping and problem-solving skills to help navigate negative emotional experience is more beneficial in the long run … It's a powerful skill to teach children to identify the problem, provide all possible solutions, offer the advantages and disadvantages of each potential solution to help them decide based on what's important to them and their family values. When a child is experiencing a level of stress that is causing impairment in their lives (i.e. school, home, interaction with peers) that is a good time to hit the pause button and assess if the stressor is something to walk away from."
What I want my son (and really anyone who is beating themselves up for resting) to know is that life is not a black and white thing. You can simultaneously be the best at something and need to take a break from it.
There is strength and honor in knowing your limitations and adapting. Watching someone like Simone back away from the highest stake competition in order to protect her own peace isn't a display of weakness. It is a display of true talent and strength.
So yes, I do want my son to be a quitter, just like Simone Biles. Because if he steps back to protect his mental health or his integrity, I can rest well knowing I raised my son to be strong enough to do the right thing for him.
Isn't that all we want for our kids at the end of the day?
