My Wife Won’t Accept That I Refuse To Force Adoption on My Daughter — I Told Her I Want a Divorce

A man on Reddit is facing an impossible situation. He has a daughter from a previous relationship whose mother isn’t reliable. His current wife has been a constant in his daughter’s life, and wants to remain that way, but she has concerns about the daughter’s mom popping back into the picture.

Unfortunately, the wife is demanding that the man terminate his ex’s rights to their daughter, allowing her to adopt the girl. But the child doesn’t want to lose her bio mom. So the wife has given the man an ultimatum: force the adoption or divorce. He surprisingly chose divorce, but is having second thoughts.

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The man turned to Reddit’s AITA community for help. He explained that his wife, Laura, has been in his 8-year-old daughter Ella’s life since she was 2 years old. The couple now has two children of their own.

“Ella’s mom is a train wreck, alcohol, drugs, multiple arrests and a lot of personal issues. She has not seen Ella for around a year now,” he wrote. He explained that she is not consistent with visitation. And as much as Ella loves Laura and appreciates her, “she still loves her mom and wishes her mom would get better and be a real mom to her.” He explained that he has Ella in therapy to deal with all of this.

His wife wants to cut ties with his daughter’s bio mom completely.

While Laura was initially “on board” with the way things were and the role she plays in Ella’s life, things have changed. “She’s tired of my ex reappearing every so often and she wants to adopt Ella so my ex can’t have any access ever again. She does love Ella and sees her as hers just as much as mine,” he wrote.

“But the main reason she’s being so forceful is severing my ex’s rights would get her out of the picture until Ella’s 18 and chooses to look for her mom on her own. Laura says this is what’s best for her and for all of us. But Ella doesn’t want to be adopted by Laura. Even if her mom never gets better, she doesn’t want to be adopted.”

The man has made it clear that he isn’t going to force his daughter to do something she’s against. But his wife is concerned about how Ella having a relationship with her bio mom could affect her and their family in the future. He understands, but still, he isn’t going to force an 8-year-old to do something she doesn’t feel is right.

She won’t back down.

“Laura and I have discussed this numerous times now and she told me she doesn’t see our marriage surviving if I won’t talk Ella around or let her do it, or get a therapist who will. She said she will not keep being just the stepmom when Ella’s mom won’t put her first,” he revealed. “She said I only had two options and needed to decide which I wanted. I told her to divorce me then because I’m not forcing the adoption on Ella.”

He goes on to explain that his wife was surprised by his response, but given those options, he’s not going to talk to his daughter about this further. “I can’t control if she divorces me for it,” he said.

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Many people said he was right — it isn’t solely his or Laura’s decision to make, and praised him for respecting Ella’s feelings.

“Laura’s frustration is understandable, she loves Ella and wants legal security, but pushing this against Ella’s will isn’t fair,” one person wrote. “You were upfront from the start about your priorities, and now she’s giving ultimatums. You didn’t choose divorce; she did by making it the only other option. If she can’t accept that Ella’s feelings matter most, that’s on her.”

Within the comments, the dad explained that he asked Ella’s therapist to help explain what adoption means in a way she could understand. It was a process. He also shared that he made Laura the legal guardian of Ella in the event that something happens to him.

Additionally, the court was aware of how inconsistent Ella’s bio mom is, but still recommended that they have supervised visitation. He reiterated that ultimately, it’s the court’s decision.

frustrated man
laflor/iStock

Still, many people were angry that he chose his daughter’s feelings over his wife’s. One person commented: “It would be one thing if your wife were making these demands because she feels upstaged, but the reality is that you had your first child with a junkie to whom you continue to expose the rest of your family. There are more people at stake here, and you are doing the right thing for none of them.”

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