Being a stepparent isn’t easy. But at the end of the day, you always try to make sure everyone gets along. This is proving to be increasingly difficult for one woman, who says her entire household changes, for the worse, whenever her boyfriend’s 6-year-old daughter spends time with them.
And between the temper tantrums and constant need for attention, she’s just not sure how much more she can really take.
The woman spilled all the deets in a letter to Slate's Care and Feeding advice column.
As the letter writer explained, she and her boyfriend have been together since 2018 and have been living together since 2019.
“Her mom and dad have been separated since she was 2.5 years old (3.5 years ago),” she wrote.
Whenever her boyfriend’s daughter comes over, they try to stick to their normal schedules “and treat everyone in the home equally and respectfully.”
But at her mom’s house, the little girl has free rein.
“Every available waking moment is invested in the little girl,” the LW explained. “She has constant activities, adventures and stimulation, plus undivided attention from her mom and grandmother. So she feels entitled to the same when she’s with us.”
At the LW’s house, they tried to give her some play space.
“She has a basement playroom and a tent, toys, and books in her room,” she wrote.
They try to play with her “when we can, but we also value adult time, privacy and structure.”
Like when her boyfriend’s daughter brings toys into the living room.
“Perfectly fine, but it means that all her dad and I can do during that time is watch her play or watch her watch kid’s programs,” she wrote. “It’s the only time she is not hanging off someone’s leg or neck, wanting to play.”
The LW is just tired of how much attention his daughter needs.
“Whenever we leave the room she follows us around,” she wrote. “She constantly interrupts conversations, does not say please and thank you, and the more attention we give her, the more she demands.”
It’s been hard for her boyfriend to set boundaries with the girl, as he already feels guilty for raising his daughter without being married to her mom.
He “doesn’t want to spend all his time with his daughter fighting, punishing, and saying no. He’s scared she won’t want to come here anymore,” the LW explained.
To the LW, this was a problem.
And she’s worried that it’s only going to get worse.
“She has told my boyfriend and me straight up that she likes when he and I aren’t getting along because she gets whatever she wants from her dad,” she explained. “She is excessively rude to me, screams at me, hits me, can never do anything I ask of her, and doesn’t listen.”
The OP asked if she’s unhappy or hurt, “and she says no, and that she’s just acting out because she wants to. It is exhausting, and honestly she is not enjoyable to be around,” she added.
The LW was a single mother herself and knows that it can be hard to manage difficult behavior.
She’s even suggested counseling, but neither her boyfriend, nor his ex thought it was a good idea.
“I love the child dearly and try to teach her things that I know my boyfriend and I value, but more and more, I just don’t want to be around her every other week,” she confessed. “I don’t want ‘our’ lives to grind to a halt every time she is home.”
She’s tired of her boyfriend walking on eggshells around his daughter. And whenever she visits they end up fighting.
“I love him and his daughter very much but don’t feel I have any control of my life anymore,” she wrote.
To some, the problem wasn't the attention-seeking 6-year-old.
It was the LW and her attitude.
"LW 1, you don’t love your stepkid and you don’t want to be a stepparent," commented one person. "Own up to both and take it from there."
"When I was growing up it seemed like a lot of my friends with step-parents absolutely hated them," another commenter wrote. "I imagine it was a lot of bulls— like LW1 or worse. Ugh. Why do it if you can't step up? And despite what some naysayers might think, being a little more child-centered as society is probably good even if some adult times get ruined once in awhile."
"Aww — poor LW1," wrote someone else. "I know what she is going through. Last night, 4-year-old was upstairs playing in her loft while we watched TV downstairs. Then she had the audacity to come downstairs with a couple of puzzles and start putting them together. Right in front of us!! And then she was all 'Look! I did the puzzles!!' like the attention seeking little brat she is. I mean, couldn't she see that we were trying to have private time??"
But a few people thought her boyfriend's kid was being a brat.
"LW1: DUMP HIM," suggested one commenter. "He is not going to change, neither is the ex or Grandma. Let them deal with the fallout of the spoiled brat they are raising. You don't need to be part of it and it will ruin your relationship if you stay. Cut your losses and get out of the situation because you will never be first with him, even if you marry, the brat will. Go. Now."
"I'm wondering what the stepchild is being told about the LW by her mother and grandmother and how that may be impacting her perception of the LW and her father," another commenter wrote. "Is she being given the idea that she may lose her father's love if she doesn't oust LW from his home and life? Frankly, this doesn't sound like a healthy situation for the little girl. She's being allowed (possibly encouraged) to behave in a way that most adults won't stand for and that won't make her popular with other children either! It would be very interesting to know how she acts at day care; I can't see her going into first grade and behaving like that without causing massive problems for herself and everyone around her."
"So, LW1, if you want to make it work — you and your husband need to get on the same page on how to deal with your stepdaughter," a third commenter chimed in. "If you cannot do that, your relationship won't work. Stop fighting in front of the kid — she's already made it clear she wants there to be conflict between the two of you because she feels that it benefits her, so stop showing her it's working. She needs to have clear, consistent consequences if she's yelling/hitting/etc, and they need to be clear and consistent from both of you, not just you."
According to columnist Stacia L. Brown, the LW wasn’t overreacting.
But she wasn’t being totally truthful with herself either.
“A better question, at this point, would be, if things progress as they have for the entirety of our relationship, will I be happy and fulfilled with my partner and his daughter?” Brown wrote. “If you’ve lived with your boyfriend for over two years, then his approach to parenting in the home you share is already well known to you. So is his attitude toward coparenting.”
It seems unlikely that her boyfriend will change and any advice the LW has offered was "if not unwelcome, then ineffective."
“You can’t bend your boyfriend and your daughter to your will and, clearly, he does not intend to parent his child the way you parented yours,” she wrote.
The LW also has to readjust her expectations.
“It’s natural for your boyfriend’s 6-year-old to want to command his attention. She doesn’t live with him, she may feel like her time with him is more limited than she’d like, and, well, she’s 6. Of course your household dynamic will change with her presence!” Brown explained.
The LW needs to expect that her boyfriend’s daughter will want to come play with them and she needs to be OK watching age-appropriate kid shows with her.
“It doesn’t sound like she’s had much one-on-one time with her dad, and rather than expecting her to cede that time to you, it may be helpful to remove yourself from the situation at times, both for her sake and for your sanity,” Brown advised.
“Go out for a few hours. Or go to another room. These are small adjustments you can make to contribute to a less tense environment."
And all that adult time can happen after the 6-year-old goes to bed, "or in the weeks she doesn’t spend with you," Brown continued.
“As an adult in the dynamic, you should be better able to adjust and adapt than she is,” she added.
“Of course, your willingness to do that is contingent on how you answer my first question to you: If nothing changes in this relationship, will you be able to accept things just as they are? Bear in mind that, though you’ve mentioned your love for the child, your letter’s tone is far more annoyed than it is loving,” she wrote.
It’s very likely that the LW has reached her maximum patience with this family and how these two parents are raising their daughter.
“Remember that you’re the only person in this situation who is free to leave it, guilt and obligation-free, and consider exercising some of the control you feel you’ve lost.”
