When we think of the ingredients for a healthy marriage or other serious romantic partnership, a few things immediately come to mind. There has to be mutual respect. Ideally there should be some good communication and a shared sense of goals or desire to create a life together. And of course, we also want comfort and laughs and some good date nights along the way.
But what about sex? Although sex can be one of the things that can make a relationship feel connected and to share pleasure and affection, should we consider it a key element for a healthy marriage? On the flip side, is lack of sex a serious relationship red flag?
Every relationship is different, so we were curious about what marriage feels like for women who haven't had sex with their partner in a year or more. For some women, the lack of sex is a big red flag. For others, it isn't quite the big deal we might imagine. We kept their names anonymous so they'd feel free to share the real truth about what's happening in sexless marriages, so read on for the candid truth.
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Totally Touched Out
"We haven't had sex in about 18 months (I'm guessing). We stopped having sex when I was pregnant because I was having twins and was on pelvic rest. Then I had a rough delivery that tore me up a lot. Now we have wonderful babies, but I’m so touched out and tired that I have no bandwidth for sex."
Sex or Divorce Is Coming
"Honestly? I don't really like my husband right now. We’ve been in a rough patch for the last year and I don’t have sex with people I don’t like. We're starting therapy soon; we'll probably either start having sex soon or get divorced. It feels like a toss-up."
He Has ED
"My husband has ED and won’t get treatment for it. It really, really sucks. It has been two years and I'm not sure it will ever get better if he doesn't get his head out of his a– about it. Grateful for my vibrator."
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He's Given Up
"I think it’s been at least a year for us and it mostly feels like my fault. I have no libido at all these days. I think I have some hormonal stuff going on (I have PCOS) but mostly I'm just so tired all the time. He's sort of stopped asking or initiating, and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm both relieved to not be turning him down all the time but also sad that he's given up, I think."
Deployment blues.
"Ours is just a proximity thing – he’s deployed and I haven't seen him in person in 14 months. He comes home this year and I AM READY. We’ve obviously been sexting and doing phone stuff but I'm so beyond ready to jump his bones."
Ships in the Night
"We have two main issues, I guess. One is that I just don't have much of a sex drive at this point. Perimenopause, always busy with the kids, tired always, etc. The other is that we don’t work the same hours. I’m doing night shifts as a nurse and he is on days at his job, so we’re often not even in bed at the same time most nights. We're like ships in the night."
Tired of Being His Mom
"Real talk – I’m not attracted to him anymore. We've been together for 18 years, and right now I feel more like his mom than his wife. He doesn't take good care of himself physically, he doesn't do s— around the house, and he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. We can't really afford to get a divorce but I'm saving for it. Lack of sex isn't really the problem, but it is a kind of proof that we do have some problems."
In Love but Not Having Sex
"We’ve never really had a great sex life, so what feels like a really long stretch for other people isn’t really a big deal for us. I think we are both kind of close to being on the asexual side of the spectrum. We’re still totally in love and he’s my person. We just don’t have sex very often and never have, except when we were trying for kids."
Too Numb for Sex
"Grief. My dad died after a long and horrible illness where I was his main caretaker. When he was sick, we weren't having sex because I was so tired and emotionally worn out. Now that he is gone, I'm just numb. I don’t want anyone to touch me or need anything from me right now. I'm just too sad."
Fallout From an Affair
"He cheated about a year and a half ago and we haven't had sex since I found out. We're working on saving our marriage, but I haven't been willing or able to get intimate with him since his affair. We're trying to work through it in therapy."
Living the Roommate Life
"I'm not even sure what our deal is or how long it has been since we had sex. It has been at least a year. It feels like we're currently living like roommates. Maybe this is normal for 14 years together? Weirdly, I don't really feel worried about it."
Just Glad He's Alive
"He had a bad car accident two years ago and is still dealing with the physical effects of it. His back is so messed up. It's hard to have sex when one person is in so much pain and can't really use their back. It’s been hard sometimes, but I'm just glad he's alive."
Grateful for Oral
"We haven’t had penis-in-vagina sex in five years. He's got ED from his diabetes, and that really isn’t an option anymore. He's pretty good about giving me oral or doing stuff to get me off, but I do miss having good old-fashioned missionary sex sometimes."
Too Afraid To Get Pregnant Again
"We don’t believe in using birth control (religious reasons) and have had three kids in five years. We're really struggling financially right now. We don't have health insurance. We can't afford another kid, and I’m really afraid of getting pregnant so we’ve kind of just been abstinent for a while, I guess?
"It wasn't intentional, but I also don't really want sex a whole lot right now anyways. I'm still nursing and have been pregnant or nursing for two years straight at this point."
Going on the Dating Apps Soon
"Well, I don’t think my situation is common, but we stopped having sex about three years ago, I guess? I was still initiating but he was always turning me down. We were still getting along and having fun together and it was really confusing for me. We did all the stuff: date nights and couples counseling and all that jazz.
"He eventually shared with me that he's gay. Soooo…yeah, that is a lot to process. We're figuring out what that means for a next step, but it almost certainly means I'm going to be on Tinder soon? Yikes. Or yay? I don't know."
The Non-sexy Season of Life
"This sounds bad, but we just kind of got out of the habit, I guess. With work and the kids and their million activities, we’re kind of killing it as parents right now but sucking as romantic partners. I don’t think it will always be like this; this is just a non-sexy season of life. I'm killing it in the carpool and soccer mom lane, but sucking as a sexy person."
