Typically, reality television irks me. But because I am a marriage life coach, sometimes I’ll take a deep breath and click on a relationship-centered show, even as I try to remind myself that there are producers behind the scenes and not everything is as “real” as they would like us to think that it is.
Such is the case with a show — I won’t name any names — that I watched recently. As I was listening to a married couple of several years debate over whether they had a healthy sex life, I thought about how sex is often not treated as a staple and responsibility in marriage and often, if one partner feels like the sex is waning, it’s usually because they have not asked their spouse if their sexual needs are actually being met. And if that partner is the wife, I’ve spoken with enough couples to know that if there’s one thing that (many) women wish they had more of, it's intimacy.
Intimacy is a dope word because it speaks of being affectionate with someone as well as having a deep knowledge of them. Some of the synonyms for intimacy include friendship, confidence, understanding, experience, and communion.
So, let’s hit it. Keeping all of this in mind, if you sense that you’re not getting enough intimacy in your sex life, here are a few things that you can do to change that.
Connect Sexuality With Spirituality
It’s kind of unfortunate that when a lot of people think of spirituality, religion is what instantly comes to mind. I say it’s unfortunate because, while different religions are based on a specific set of standards, spirituality is far more vast than that. To be spiritual is to focus on your soul as it relates to your attitude, interests, and perspective.
Marianne Williamson once said, “The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love.”
Steve Maraboli once said: “One of the most spiritual things you can do is embrace your humanity. Connect with those around you today. Say, 'I love you,' 'I'm sorry,' 'I appreciate you,' 'I'm proud of you' … whatever you're feeling.”
Denis Waitley once said: “Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”
When you factor in sayings like these, it’s easy to see how you can — and should — incorporate your sexuality into your spirituality and vice versa. Speak with your partner about your fears as far as intimacy goes. In fact, be more verbal, in general, because verbal communication strengthens sexual intimacy. Try to stop seeing happiness as big moments and remain present for the little things that bring you joy — including in the bedroom. If you commit to doing this, I can pretty much guarantee that sex with your spouse will automatically become so much more intimate.
Share Sexual Insecurities
I used to have a client whose husband had never seen her hair without her wig or weave – even after five years of marriage. She called it “staying beautiful” while I see it as being hella insecure. When we sign up to “do life” with another individual, a part of what comes with that is allowing them to see all of us — even the not-so-pretty parts.
Whether you’re sexual insecurities come from body image issues, not-so-great past experiences or faking orgasms because you’re afraid to let your partner know that you’re not as satisfied as you want to be but you don’t want to hurt their feelings by bringing it up (happens more often than you would think) — pick a time outside of sex to share these things with your partner.
Being “naked” with your spouse isn’t just about taking all of your clothes off. It’s about fully disclosing who you are to them — mind, body, and soul — so that they can see the sides of you that no one else gets to. This includes your insecurities. And y’all, it truly doesn’t get any more “intimate” than that.
Sexually Affirm Your Partner Regularly
There’s a YouTube channel called Only One Jess that I will check out from time to time. Jess is a young woman who turned 30 and got married this year. One of my favorite things is how cute it is to see how much she compliments her husband. It’s also adorable to see how much his face lights up every time she does it.
Not to get too deep on the biblical tip, but the Good Book says that we are made in the image of God (Genesis 2) and he likes to receive praise — so it would make sense that we would as well. Unfortunately, a trap that a lot of people fall into when it comes to their marriage is they spend more time criticizing and berating their partner than affirming them, complimenting them, and verbally acknowledging what they adore about them. This is also the case when it comes to sex.
Listen, I don’t care if you and your partner have been together for six months or 25 years — get into the habit of affirming them before, during, and/or after sex. Tell them what you’re looking forward to experiencing with them (before). Express what feels amazing in the moment (during). And give big rounds of applause for your favorite part(s) afterwards (after).
Humans are wired to want to do more of what makes them feel good about themselves. Sexual activity is not exempt. So, if you’re affirming more than criticizing in that department … what do you think the outcome is gonna be?
Discover Each Other’s 'Romance Language'
I will forever die on the hill that one of the things that makes relationships so challenging is far too many of us give people what we want to receive instead of what they actually desire. For instance, if your love language happens to be gifts, you’re probably more prone to get your spouse presents — only to feel “some type of way” when they’re not as excited about receiving them as you would be.
Same thing goes for romance and the only way that you will know what your partner considers to be romantic to them is to not assume but ask. I’ve spoken to many men on this topic. Some think that their partner watching a game with them while sitting on the couch is romantic. Some think that spontaneous dates that are customized to their likes and interests are romantic. Some think that doing the things for their partner that their partner normally does (like a particular set of chores around the house), so that they can get a break from time to time is romantic.
At the end of the day, if one word is kinda abstract, it would probably be romance. However, at its core, it’s rooted in love and, when men do it, there’s chivalry attached and when women do it, some (extra) nurturing is involved. For the record, some synonyms for romantic include adventurous, exciting, erotic, nostalgic, passionate, tender, and poetic. Talk to your partner about how you see romance based on these things and then ask them to share their thoughts. Then agree to be proactive in each other’s "romance language." The more romance a relationship has, the easier it is to be sexual and — you guessed it — intimate.
Invest in More Foreplay
We all know what foreplay is — it’s all about doing what’s necessary, prior to sex, to stimulate your partner to the point of being aroused enough for sexual activity. Here’s the thing about foreplay, though: It’s not always sexual.
I’m pretty sure that some of you have heard that the biggest sexual organ that we have is our brain. This means that when it comes to foreplay, we need to be open to mentally and emotionally stimulating our partner — and that can (and should) happen also outside of the bedroom.
Flirt with your partner. Compliment your partner. Do some sexting from time to time. Then take it up a notch and think of something that you can do that they would love and never see coming.
As far as in the bedroom goes, get into things like long make-out sessions and orgasmic meditation — activities that build up anticipation for intercourse can make sex even more exciting and satisfying once you actually have it.
You know, it takes men around five minutes to climax while it takes us between 20 to 25 minutes. What helps everyone to “meet in the middle” is often foreplay. And when it goes beyond the predictable kind, that can make sex so much more intimate, too.
Be Intentional About Skin-to-Skin
I’m a doula. One of the things that we heavily promote is the importance of skin-to-skin with a newborn between their mom and their dad. There are all kinds of reasons why. Skin-to-skin helps to regulate a baby’s heartbeat, encourage consistent breathing, regulate the baby's body temperature, protect against infection, and cultivate an even stronger bond with the parents. It also makes a baby feel extremely safe and secure.
Skin-to-skin between adults after sex can be highly beneficial as well. For one thing, it can boost oxytocin levels, which can cause you to bond more with your partner. It can also reduce stress levels and boost your immunity.
You know, I once read an article on Women’s Health UK site entitled, “Apparently Your Cuddling Style Can Say A LOT About Your Relationship.” When you get a chance, check it out and think about how you and your spouse tend to cuddle and even sleep together. Whatever the case may be, try and become more intentional about engaging in skin-to-skin — definitely after sex but shoot, in general. Sleeping naked comes with vast benefits as well, especially for women. And sleeping naked with your partner? How can that not be intimate?
Go on Sex Dates
Isn’t it interesting that, no matter how busy we may be, we find the time to do things like shower, eat, grocery shop, talk to our friends on the phone, check our social media — you know why? Because 1. we find those things to be necessary and 2. because of that, we prioritize them. That’s why it doesn’t fly with me whenever married couples tell me that they haven’t had sex in weeks — or worse months — because, at the end of the day, all that really means, is that No. 1 and/or No. 2 has fallen by the wayside.
Listen, I know that it might not be as easy to have sex like you did when you first started dating or even when you were newlyweds, but another hill that I will forever die on is the fact that sex is supposed to be a constant in marriage (so long as you are physically capable, that is). And a way to make sure that it remains that way is planning sex dates.
What are sex dates? Those are literally dates that are set aside specifically for sex. Book a hotel room. Take a weekend road trip to a vacation house in the next town. Have someone watch the kids and have a sexcation at home. At least once every two months, this needs to go on the docket, because when both individuals show effort when it comes to making time for sex, that conveys to each of them that the desire is there — and everyone wants to feel wanted, right? Feeling wanted is another top-tier way to develop more intimacy. So, pull out your Google calendar and plan a sex date. There is no way that either of you will regret doing it. I can almost guarantee it!
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
*Disclaimer: The advice on CafeMom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
