Divorce is difficult. Even if it's something that you've thought long and hard about, and know that it's the right choice, it's still a difficult time for most couples. Some people like to be open about their divorce from the beginning, letting others know early, and sparing no details. Others choose to keep things to themselves as they navigate the tricky emotional waters that come with ending a relationship.
One woman found herself getting divorced after an extremely brief marriage, and realized that she wants to keep her gossip-hungry mom in the dark, even though she keeps pressing her for information.
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This woman is going through a tough time.
The woman wrote to Slate's Dear Prudence advice column to seek guidance on what to do.
"I’m in the process of divorcing my husband, after less than a month of marriage," she begins the note. "We dated happily for five years previously, but our situation is truly what 'irreconcilable differences' are made for. He’s against the divorce, but I just want out. I’ve moved in with a friend. I’m trying to get a place for myself, but I wasn’t financially prepared for this and it’s tough. I know that my parents and family would love to give me a place to stay, help with attorney fees, and take care of me, but it comes with strings."
Her mother is the family's resident gossip.
She continues, "My mom is the most gossipy person you can imagine. My cousin had an out-of-state abortion: She was getting calls from opinionated aunts within six hours. My brother’s embarrassing d— surgery, an aunt’s firing: It’s all fair game. My dad got into a fender-bender: He was getting lectures from the entire extended family for weeks."
"She cannot keep a secret, and the more private and personal the news, the faster it spreads. Half the time I can’t even tell how she got the information."
Her mother will stop at nothing to get the info.
The woman wrote that so far the only person who knows her reason for getting a divorce is her attorney, but her mom isn't letting up. Her mom continually reaches out, expressing concern, but the woman knows she just wants intel for the family group chat.
"My brother confided that she’s asked him to find out, and he made me promise not to tell him so he could avoid her. I’m exhausted and so over this, but my divorce could go on for months. How do I get through this? I’ve been ignoring her, ending calls when the topic comes up. But I have other things to worry about and I just want her to go away," she explained.
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She received some honest advice.
The advice columnist gave some clear advice: This woman can't change who her mother is, but she can take control of how she responds to her mother's pushing for gossip.
The response reads: "The next time the topic comes up, you can tell her, 'I know you’re dying for details, but reasons for the divorce are personal and I’m not going to discuss them. Just know that it was the right choice for both of us.' And — this is the tough part — then accept that she is going to be spending a lot of time on the phone speculating with various relatives."
She can also choose not to care what her mother does.
The advice columnist also reminds the woman that she can just embrace the situation for what it is, and get the support she needs as she goes through a divorce.
"If you’re already at 'I want her to go away' status with your mom, do you really care if she thinks you’re an idiot?" she asks. "I can definitely see a world in which she gets a few bullet points of the information she craves, and you get the financial support you need along with the freedom that comes with not caring what people might be saying about you. Having some compassion for yourself and the mistakes you made will make an enormous difference. I guarantee that whatever decisions got you here, you’re not the first person to make them, and they’re not that much worse than the decisions other people (including your family members) make all the time," the response continues.
