While Christmas is undoubtedly one of the best times of the year, there is definitely such a thing as spending too much time with your family. One letter writer is feeling the sting of spending too much time with her mother-in-law, who embarrassed her in front of her husband’s whole family on Christmas when she bought her a coat that was too small. And now she's asking the Dear Prudence advice column for help.
“I’m plus-sized, and the coat didn’t even come close to fitting,” the LW explained.
The LW just got married and spent Christmas with her husband’s family.
Her MIL works in for an “outdoorsy lifestyle brand” and has a tradition of buying everyone in the family the same gift from her store for the holidays.
“This year, she chose to buy everyone coats from an expensive brand that stops at an XL,” the LW recalled in her letter — and as a plus-size person, she knew it wasn't going to work.
Her MIL did try to let her know by saying she was worried the jacket wouldn’t fit.
But then she had the LW try the jacket on in front of everyone — ugh!
It “was humiliating,” the LW recalled.
“To top it off, several members of the family have recently lost large amounts of weight, and their weight loss was celebrated by my MIL,” she continued. “All day, fat people were derided as unattractive, while fitness and thinness were held up as the ideal.”
The LW spent the rest of the evening hiding in the basement, crying.
“I feel like I quite literally don’t fit into my spouse’s family,” she explained. The LW explained that if their relationship were different, she would simply ask that her MIL not buy her clothing at her store that isn’t in her size.
“But she is extremely petite and is of the belief that fatness is the result of lack of willpower, so I really don’t want to open that conversational door,” she wrote. “What can I do to prevent future miserable Christmases?”
Some commenters were totally judging the LW.
"I don’t think it’s reasonable to be 'humiliated' if a Christmas present doesn’t fit," wrote one person. "Just return it and move on. LW needs to develop a higher self esteem and a lot more mettle."
And while another commenter seemed to agree with the LW, the person's response was pretty judgy.
The commenter wrote: "An XL was too small? Wow. But definitely, your partner should have had your back. And if he/she/they are OK with your weight, then they should also be there defending you. And you should have been taken out of this situation by your partner, rather than sitting in the basement, crying. But an XL was too small?"
"Sounds like LW1's marriage is starting off well with the bride trashing her mother-in-law on a public forum, using specifics that pinpoint the family," a third commenter added. "How many women give their adult children winter parkas for Xmas? She'll immediately know you're talking about her when she reads this."
Others thought the LW needed some support.
One commenter had an observation and some advice: "Your in-laws are kind of horrible and your new husband let you cry alone in the basement. Repeat this to yourself a couple of times. You're newly married so I'm gonna assume no kids or mortgage. Now would be a really good time to leave."
"LW1: this is a significant other problem," someone else chimed in. "As soon as you were subjected to the emotional abuse, your Significant Other should've stopped it, and then taken you away. You can look forward to more of these types of occasions happening if your SO doesn't stand up for you. SO isn't worth it."
"To the woman with the fatphobic MIL, it's her problem, not yours," a third person suggested. "Assuming you are happy with yourself and feel comfortable in your skin, don't give her stuff any of your energy. She doesn't live with you and your husband. Your husband also presumably loves you just as you are. So this is something you know you'll deal with when around his family, but it doesn't have to take you down the sad hole. Kudos to his family members for losing weight if that's what THEY wanted to do. Know who you are and stand proud. Worth and value are not determined by what size you wear."
Columnist Jenée Desmond-Harris seemed to agree: her husband fumbled the bag.
“Clueless and fatphobic people are everywhere, so I’m not that surprised by your partner’s family’s behavior,” Desmond-Harris explained. "But where was her husband when all of this was going down? When you were crying in the basement? Afterward when it was clear that you were upset?”
She added: “I’m worried that they didn’t stand up for you, comfort you, or, at the very least, prepare you for what you might encounter and give you the option to skip the event. I think you should have a talk with him or her about how this affected you and see what plan you can come up with together to make sure you’re not humiliated at future family gatherings.”