The mom of a newborn has gone viral on TikTok for sharing that she is fed up with her husband not doing even the bare minimum at home for months. The woman, who goes by Marta, @officialmarta_xo on TikTok, shared that her husband always seems to have time for his friends, but not his wife. So, rather than stay in a toxic and unequal relationship, she took matters into her own hands and did what she needed to do to make a clean break, including getting a secret bank account.
Marta’s video has been viewed over 2.8 million times and received over 3,000 comments. It touches on the sensitive topic of financial independence or a lack thereof in many marriages and relationships and her story resonated with a lot of women in similar situations.
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'I've been begging for the bare minimum for months.'
Too many women and mothers end up having husbands that act like another kid instead of being a co-parent, which seems to be the case for Marta. In her video, she is seen sitting at a desk in nurse’s apparel. The text overlay on her video reads: “My husband didn’t believe I’d put our newborn in daycare and start working. I’ve been begging for the bare minimum for MONTHS. He has time for his friends but not his wife. Here’s to my first day at work and secret bank account.”
She added a caption saying, “can’t wait to get tf out.” While Marta didn’t specify how her husband isn’t doing the bare minimum, we can imagine. Sadly, like many mothers, Marta is probably shouldering the full burden of parenting, caregiving, and household tasks, such as laundry, dishes, nighttime feedings, diaper changing, and cooking, just to name a few. Whatever he did or didn’t do, she had enough and decided to do something proactive about it. Go her!
Financial autonomy is tricky subject for a lot of couples, and many women are taught to have a ‘what if’ fund, just in case.
While the majority of married couples choose to pool their finances and share joint accounts — 70% of married couples, according to Marketplace — others prefer keeping their money separate. But finances can also affect the power dynamic in a relationship, which has left many women in a precarious position if they have a narcissistic, controlling, or abusive partner.
Joanna Pepin, a researcher from the University of Texas at Austin told Marketplace: “Couples are trying to take the influence of money out of their relationships. So if pooling money means money is not associated with power, they do that, and if it means keeping some money separately, they do that.” If a woman, mother, and wife feels she has more autonomy and safety in having a separate account, then she should have one.
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The mom addresses what ‘co-parenting’ is and is not in a lot of her videos.
In case there was any confusion on what doing the "bare minimum" means, Marta posted a video sharing what a co-parent is not. “If you can take a job without worrying about how the hours will affect you dropping off/picking up your child then you’re not a co-parent,” the text overlay caption reads.
She provides several other examples in the video. “If you never have to call off work for a sick child, you’re not a co-parent,” the list continues. “If you can make plans without finding a babysitter, you’re not a co-parent,” it goes on.
Lastly, she writes, “If you can choose when to pay child support and when not to, you’re not a co-parent.”
TikTokers shared their own ‘secret bank account’ relationship stories.
Many women and fellow TikTok users applauded Marta’s decision to get her own job and have a secret bank account because when a nasty divorce or abusive relationship happens, women are usually left with the full financial burden of the children.
“That’s what I did last June when my husband threatened to leave me, a then SAHM, penniless," commented one user. "I have 12k saved so far.”
“I just got hired at a Daycare that my daughter can attend for free," wrote another person. "I'm done asking for the bare minimum.”
Other users pointed out even if you're in a "good" relationship, you never know when you might need that secret "what if" fund.
“I'm a firm believer of a secret bank account even if the relationship is okay because you never know," wrote one commenter. "U go girl.”
Another wrote: “my mommaw taught me about 'run money'. perk is we never combined bank accounts and wont.”
If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic abuse, you can find help and support at DVIS.org, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or by contacting your local women's shelter domesticshelters.org.
