Sex can be amazing: passionate, exciting, and a way to connect deeply with a partner (not to mention that whole "making a baby" thing some of us are hoping for and some of us are activitely working to prevent). But even though good sex can be memorable, embarrassing moments can be truly, unfortunately, unforgettable.
We got 16 parents to spill the beans (anonymously, of course, to protect the truly awkward) about the most embarrassing sexual encounters that they wish they could forget! Embarrassing for them? Yep. Entertaining for the rest of us? Of course! From truly unfortunate fart timing to the surprises of pregnant sex, there is so much cringe happening here.
Dutch Oven
"My husband was under the covers, going down on me, and I just got a sudden case of rumble tummy. I thought I could hold it in but I was wrong. I let out the worst fart and basically Dutch ovened him under the covers. He was literally gagging and I wanted to die. He still teases me about it."
Protective Pooch
"Back when we were newly dating, I had my now-husband over and we started having sex when all of the sudden he was yelping in pain. My overly protective dog had bit him on the back of the thigh! He still has a scar and I don't think he's ever really forgiven Baxter for it."
All You Can Eat
"Let's just say that going for all you can eat wings on date night turns out to be a terrible idea. We made a real effort to have sex (we hardly every get date nights so there is definitely that pressure to make sure we make it count) but we both had the meat sweats and smelled like buffalo sauce. We gave up halfway through and then spent the next hour fighting for the one bathroom."
Leaky Situation
"It isn't embarrassing when it happens now (I'm in my second pregnancy now) but when I was pregnant for the first time, I didn't realize that your breasts can actually leak BEFORE you have the baby. I didn't discover this until we were in the middle of having sex and it was so awkward."
Mom Moment
"My wife and I were staying with my mom and her new husband and it was a little awkward anyways since I don't know him very well. We had sex one night and I guess we weren't as quiet as I thought because my mom said 'well, I guess you girls had your fun last night' as my stepdad choked on his coffee. So embarrassing!"
Wedding Night Jitters
"I waited for marriage to have sex and our wedding night end up being the worst! It is good now, but that night I had so many nerves that I couldn't stop giggling. But that made him so uncomforable that nothing was working. Then I was crying because it was all going so poorly. We were both so embarrassed."
It Got Stuck
"Um, I don't want to get too graphic, but I will say that few things are more embarrassing than having something get stuck during sex. Especially if that thing is stuck in your husband's butt and requires a trip to the emergency room to fish it out. Mortifying."
In Sickness and in Health
"Morning sickness is a bitch. And it comes on so fast. Which is a bummer when you are finally feeling okay enough to have sex and then you end up barfing all over your partner and your bed. Turns out that my gag reflex was allllll a mess and oral made me instantly boot."
So Noisy
"We were playing video games one day and our 5-year-old started saying 'Were you guys playing games last night? I could hear Dada shouting yes and yes and yes', so apparently we are way noisier than we thought. I was kind of embarrassed but my kid will be really mortified when we tell him this story someday."
Ticked Off
"We did a hike through the woods to this beautiful sandy beach. We were alone on the beach and decided to try to have some nature sex. We were starting to do it when my husband spotted a tick crawling on me! He freaked and basically threw me off of him, screaming like a girl the whole time. It was so awkward."
Mood Killer Moment
"Okay, so I'm not good at dirty talk. I know I'm not good at dirty talk. But my husband likes it, so I try sometimes. Once he asked me to describe my favorite sexual memory, which could have been hot, but I should have realized that describing a memory he wasn't part of would be a major mood killer. Totally killed his boner."
Sext Gone Wrong
"My husband's name is Brian. My boss is named Brian. You'd think I'd always remember to double check which Brian I'm texting with before I send something really dirty. And you'd be right, 99% of the time. But that 1% results in my boss getting a nasty text about how I want it up the butt. So, yeah. Major embarrassment."
Position Problem
"Trying to keep something spicy happening in our marriage ended up with me throwing out my back and having to figure out what to tell my chiropractor when I reverse cowgirled myself into a thrown-out back and six weeks of physical therapy. I'm sticking to boring positions from now on."
Property Damage
"We tried out a sex swing and didn't realize our crappy apartment ceiling would totally crumble under the weight. Not only did I fall flat on the floor (ending up covered in bruises), but we pulled out a big old hunk of plaster ceiling and ended up on the hook for a $$ repair. Embarrassing and expensive."
Cat Attack
"We were having sex at my parent's house over Christmas and my mom's cranky old cat jumped on us during and scratched the heck out of my face. I shrieked and my mom came busting in to figure out what was wrong and my husband rolled off the bed trying to grab the covers. It was like a bad sitcom moment."
Tub Fail
"Is it ever not embarrassing to try to have sex in the bathtub? It seems so sexy in theory, but in practice nothing lines up and positions are hard to get into, someone is always cold, and I've more than once smacked my head against the shower tiles. Not worth it!"
