There is no one way to be married. A successful, healthy marriage is one in which both parties agree to the life they’re creating with one another. There are people who marry for business, people who marry solely to raise children, and people who marry knowing that although they are not sexually fulfilled by their partner, there is still something they provide that makes them want to share their lives with them.
But marriages can get tricky when one party finds someone they are sexually attracted to and want to make changes to their arrangement.
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‘My husband is gay and I’ve known from the beginning,’ the OP wrote.
One wife was left wondering if she was the a–hole for not approving the changes her husband wants to make in their unorthodox marriage.
“I (42F) am married to my husband (40M), and we have two kids (12 and 9),” the wife, aka OP, shared on Reddit. “My husband is gay, and I’ve known this since the beginning of our relationship. We’ve been married for 14 years, and while I love him deeply, we’ve always had an understanding that we’d never be the romantic couple he truly needs. He’s had a long-term partner (38M) for 7 years now, who I consider family. Our kids adore him.”
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‘My husband is terrified of waiting years while his partner is stuck,’ she wrote.
She explained that the problem began when her husband’s partner got fired. As a result, he lost his H1B visa (work visa), meaning he’ll have to return to his native country and leave the United States. “This has been devastating for my husband and our kids, who love his partner like a second dad,” the OP explained.
Initially, the plan was for the OP and her husband to divorce so he could marry his partner, granting him citizenship. But the immigration process for people from his country is notoriously slow.
“My husband is terrified of waiting years while his partner is stuck in another country,” she wrote. So her husband came up with another plan. He wants the entire family – his current wife and two children – to move to his partner’s home country so everyone can be together.
She said it could work.
As outlandish as it sounds, the OP said logistically it could work. She and her husband both went to undergrad in that country, so they’re familiar with it and speak the language. She believes they both could get decent jobs, but the pay in her field would be significantly lower than what she’s making now.
Another drawback is that the country is conservative and gay marriage is not legal there. Although they could make it work, she just doesn’t want to.
The OP’s husband is heartbroken.
The OP is an immigrant too. “I have already left one country behind, and I do not want to uproot my life again,” she explained, “nor do I wish to settle in a third country permanently. I have built a life here, and while I have been supportive of my husband and his relationship for years, this is simply too much to ask.”
Her husband is heartbroken. He believes the move is about family and that OP’s refusal to move is her not making the sacrifice to keep their family together.
“He is not angry, but I can see how deeply this pains him, and our children are beginning to sense the tension,” she wrote. “I cannot help but feel like the villain in this situation, but I also believe I have the right to say no.”
‘This is a giant ask,’ Redditors agreed.
The people of Reddit agreed that the OP was well within her right to say no. People pointed out how this situation may even be unsafe for the family, given that gay marriage is illegal in the other country. They also mentioned how unfair it all is.
“…does he realize how lucky he’s been this whole time to have the security of a supportive, understanding (and non jealous) wife while he’s had his cake and eaten it too this whole time?” one Redditor asked. “I’m curious, did or do you also have a lover? Why is it fair to ask you to leave your emotional ties so he can have his love? No. This is a giant ask and it’s not fair for him to guilt you for having hesitations.”
What about the kids?
Another person asked how the kids would feel about all of this. “It’s not just you uprooting your life for your husband – but your kids lives would be uprooted to. Do they speak the language of that country? What do their opportunities look like there? Do they want to move?” the person questioned.
The OP responded, “The kids are equally conflicted. My youngest has known him for basically his entire life, and my daughter and he are very close friends. But they also don’t want to change everything about their lives.”
The wife and mother of the family not wanting to move is more than enough reason for the international move not to happen, Redditors agree, but the fact that the children also don’t want to go makes this a closed case. Children need stability to feel secure and thrive.
This type of relocation doesn’t provide that – not to mention that majority rules. This partner’s absence will hurt everyone. Dad will feel it the hardest, but it’s not fair to pile on the additional stress, discomfort, and hurt of leaving the life they’ve created.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
