In a perfect world, mothers-in-law would be supportive of married couples and wouldn’t pry into their relationship — after all, it’s not their marriage. But that’s usually not the way it goes. People on Reddit are in their feelings about one woman who is frustrated with her mother-in-law for expecting her to act like a mother to her husband.
The story was shared by an anonymous woman, who is married to someone who seems like a great guy.
Married for a decade, the couple have a daughter. According to the woman, she and her husband are both self-sufficient people and take responsibility for themselves. For example, if either of them forgets something or makes a mistake, they don’t blame the other person for not reminding them.
Sounds pretty fair, right?
The woman admits she has been in relationships where she felt more like her boyfriend’s mom than his equal. She fell into the role of reminding those boyfriends to keep up with their studies, getting them out of bed in the morning for work, keeping track of their vehicle maintenance schedule, and helping with household chores.
The woman is happy she and her husband are on the same page when it comes to this type of stuff.
When you’ve "been there and done that" in previous relationships, it’s nice to have a man you don’t have to babysit.
“It's so refreshing to have a relationship where my husband is like, ‘If I sleep in it's my own d–n fault’," the woman shared in her Reddit post. “Or ‘If I don't have clean undies because I didn't put them in the laundry basket … I don't have clean undies’. [He’s a] husband who takes responsibility for his own share of the household chores and his own social calendar.”
Her husband also loves that she doesn’t feel the need to bother him about his responsibilities.
“I trust him to have his s— together, and don't nag,” the woman explained. “He'd much rather deal with the annoyance of having to call a locksmith once a year than the annoyance of his girl asking him daily, ‘Did you remember your keys?’.”
In other words, they’re both adults and like it that way. The woman said she feels a lot less burdened because she doesn’t have the “expectation to take on that extra mental load.
“It might sound cold but it works for us and it has made our relationship a lot happier and healthier,” she admitted.
This dynamic turns problematic when they visit the husband’s mother.
The woman says that her mother-in-law is the “overbearing type” and expects the woman to take on the same role.
The Reddit poster even listed some of the things her MIL tells her to do.
“She's always asking me to do stuff like, remind him that he's got to pick up gifts for a friend's birthday, make sure he wears his warm gloves and hat when going outside to do yard chores, remind him to add air to the car tires, make sure he has all his things before we leave after visiting,” she revealed.
Not surprisingly, the woman is stressed out by her MIL’s demands.
She mentioned to her MIL that her husband can handle himself, saying: "He's a big boy, I'm sure he'll get his hat if he's cold."
But, that approach didn’t go over too well with the MIL.
Apparently she made some “passive-aggressive comments” about how a relationship should be a partnership and called the wife “selfish.”
Now, the woman is feeling like the MIL doesn’t think she’s good enough for her son. Things are getting pretty heated between the two women, and the MIL “doubled down on asking me to do stuff [for the husband].
“I've started saying, ‘I don't want to be his mommy,’ and even pretty bluntly saying that having to act like someone's mommy completely turns me off them," the woman confessed.
But when the woman made this next comment, she ticked off the MIL.
The wife said, “So trust me, it's better for both me and him if I don't."
The MIL got really upset and told the woman that it didn’t seem as if she was “ready for an adult partnership and we'd gotten married way too soon.”
In talking to Reddit, the woman admitted she was feeling bad about telling her MIL that she didn’t want to “mother” her husband.
Redditors had a lot to say about this situation and weighed in with their thoughts.
Most people were in agreement — the woman was right to stand up for herself and not feel pressure to act like her MIL when dealing with her husband.
“You’re absolutely right: you’re his wife, not his mother, and you already have a partnership. Your hubby isn’t a f—ing child, he’s a grown-a– man, and it’s extremely insulting to both of you for her to infantilize him like that.”
Another commenter said it sounded like she was a partner instead of a parent. “Like you start from a presumption that your partner is competent in taking care of themselves and would ask you if/when they needed help with this stuff. If your partner needed or wanted help, then maybe there’d be something to discuss on helping them work towards having this competence, but the husband has got his stuff figured out. … There’s nothing ‘cold’ about respecting your partner’s competence and preferences.”
One person wrote that the MIL needs to back off. “She's not being passive-aggressive; she's being aggressive-aggressive.”
“So his mom wants you two to trade a healthy dynamic for an unhealthy one?" asked someone else. "Not having to bear the mental load of being responsible for two people's day to day minutiae sounds great. I wish my ex had been like your husband. His mother probably has no expectation for him to have your back on any of this. It's a stupid and sexist way of thinking.”
Yet another person agreed the wife is doing the right thing. “This sounds like such an adult relationship. A very good relationship, in which you both know how to deal with each other”
One person chimed in with some good advice: “You and your husband have a healthy, respectful relationship that works for you. MIL can butt out.”
Overall, very few people had sympathy for the MIL, though some could see her perspective.
“It’s a generational thing, she has an outdated view of a woman's role in a marriage,” one person noted.
“I agree, but there are parts of the mentality that [woman] is subscribing to that I personally don't get. No you're not a parent, but you're still leading very interconnected lives,” wrote another person. “Reminding someone about X, Y, or Z, isn't exclusively in the domain of parents. I regularly do as such to friends/family because I care about their well being.”
Another person suggested trying a different approach. “She's from a different generation and her expectations of men are likely based on her own marriage and her own upbringing… start praising her son in front of her. Tell her how lucky you are that you found this wonderful son that she raised. Tell her what an amazing job she did raising a son who treats his partner as an equal vs many men who expect their wives to baby them.”
Some people thought that was manipulative but agreed that it might make the MIL back down.
“Ooh, this is a real pro move! Love it,” someone wrote.
Another person said no way — that’s just kissing up to the MIL.
“I know you’re right and I agree that this is a great approach, but the idea of having to kiss-a– to this woman is nauseating. MIL clearly doesn’t think that [the wife] is a good enough wife for not fulfilling her wifely duties of reminding husband how to breathe every day. I think this needs to be a convo between MIL and husband, and he needs to tell her to stop.”
Still, there were people who wanted to know the husband’s take on the whole situation.
“I am curious about what the husband has to say about his mom's interference though," one person commented. "Like has he told her to back off at all, or is he even aware that his mom sees him as a giant baby who needs to be told to wear a hat or gloves when it's cold outside?”
One commenter chimed in that the husband needs to have a more active role in alleviating the stress and “needs to have a sit-down with mommy dearest and remind her that he's not a kid any more. He married you because he wanted a wife, not a substitute mother. It is not your place to handle her. You could just deflect giving a shout to your husband.”
There was no update on whether the woman spoke to her husband about the situation.
The bottom line, according to most Redditors, is that the mother-in-law is overstepping her boundaries and needs to respect her son and his wife.
“If she wants to fill that role, that's on her and her alone,” one of the comments wrote. “But she shouldn't be forcing her way into your relationship or controlling you and ruining the dynamic. It seems like you have a really healthy and lovely relationship! She needed to hear that.”
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
