My husband and I started dating in college and got married right after we graduated. We had a great connection as friends and also sexually. But after I had my first baby, like many women, my libido went MIA.
Like a lot of women I've talked to (and there are many of us), the exhaustion that comes with caring for a newborn made sexy time the last thing on my mind. I had also gained weight and wasn't feeling my most attractive. My husband and I had sex right away after the six-week checkup and then things tapered off. We would do it once a month, sometimes more frequently, but my passion for it just wasn't the same as it was before. I longed for the days when we would spend a Saturday just lying in bed, or when we used to meet on our lunch hour whenever we could for a quickie.
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I began to sadly accept that this was my new nonsexual state of being. And then I met Jack.
He was an aide at our child's daycare, fresh out of grad school and extremely attractive. The moms would all comment on his very excellent physique and make fun of his overly groomed appearance, but the truth is we were all swooning.
One morning after school drop-off, I went home and took out my vibrator, which I was surprised had working batteries since the last time I had used it was before getting pregnant. Thinking about Jack, I came so easily. It made me feel simultaneously ecstatic and guilty. I was thrilled that I could actually get myself off, when I hadn't wanted to for ages. And I also felt terrible that it wasn't my own husband that I was picturing.
This became my new "me time" routine, and my fantasies got very detailed.
Then, one afternoon, I was strolling through a different neighborhood after having lunch with a colleague and saw Jack on the street. He was loading things out of a van. I hesitated but decided to go say hi. Jack gave me a huge hug and then apologized for being so sweaty. He was moving stuff into his new apartment. He said he had just broken up with his girlfriend and that his friend, who was supposed to help him move, had bailed.
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For a second, I felt strange that he was telling me such personal stuff.
But then I offered to help him move the rest of his stuff. At first he said no, pointing out that I was all dressed up. But then I made a joke about working out a lot and being super strong, which was kind of true – I had started to get my pre-baby body back. He laughed and said, "OK."
We moved a table, chairs and some boxes up three flights to his new place. We made small talk and then he told me that he always noticed me at school pickup and drop-off. I started to blush and told him I always noticed him too. The tension in the air was palpable. It was hot, we were sweating and in close proximity, and I could feel his eyes on me as I walked up the flight of stairs in front of him. When we got to into the apartment again, Jack took the box I was holding, put it aside and kissed me, hard, pushing me up against the wall.
Up until that moment, I didn't really think something like this would ever happen to me, even though I had thought about it.
As we started to take each other's clothes off, I wasn't thinking about anything else except how much I needed him. The sex was intense and so urgent, like nothing I had ever experienced.
The school year was almost over, so we didn't see each other much after that day, except for in passing, which is probably a good thing. When I thought back about what had happened, which I did quite often, I was shocked at how turned on I was, how I instantly got wet just from this man's kiss. I knew that it was terrible of me and that I should probably feel guilty, but in a weird way I didn't. Being with Jack made me feel wanted and sexy, and it also gave me hope.
In some ways, it had a positive effect on my sex life with my husband.
I now knew that hot sex was possible! My ability to feel those feelings wasn't gone. The trick was to put those desires toward the man I love and have a family with. Strangely, I think that afternoon was a step in the right direction.
This essay originally appeared on our sister site Mom.me and was republished with permission.
