When people are in long-term relationships, things change over time. As we age, we grow and become different versions of ourselves. That's not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. It's just a thing. Some people have a harder time with that than others. Changes in lifestyle or circumstances can bring changes to things like sex. For some people, the excitement and desire are just as intense 20 years into a relationship as they were two months in. For others, not so much.
If your sex life has dwindled, does that give your partner an excuse to cheat? That seems to be a hot-button topic for many people who believe that if their needs aren't met at home, they can go somewhere else to quench their desires. But, of course, lots of other people think that wedding vows are sacred.
A woman and her husband are going through an extended dry spell in the bedroom that has caused him to have a wandering eye. Life has been hard for the couple, and sex isn't what it used to be. It's to the point that her husband has now thrown down an ultimatum: Either she gives him what he wants, or he will get it elsewhere. She checked in with Mumsnet's relationships forum, and people had a lot to say.
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The couple's life hasn't been easy.
No marriage is easy; we get that. Some people's struggles, however, are just more challenging than others. Even those who look like they have it all together may have something brewing behind the scenes that we don't see.
The original poster on Mumsnet has been with her husband for 20 years and they have five kids. One of their sons has a significant mental illness, and she has become overwhelmed with life. Sex hasn't been much on her mind for the past 10 years.
"I was also diagnosed with an under active thyroid. Other awful things have happened which will be too long to get in to but I have really gone off sex. I have let him just have his way as he won't stop, but I feel so so bad after," she explained. "I'm on medication for anxiety and ptsd and I'm tired quite a lot. Every now and then I give him a cuddle so he knows I do still love him, but he thinks I want to take things further then gets upset if I say no."
That is some tough stuff.
Now, he wants to start seeing other people.
OP wrote that her husband has been so bold as to tell her he wishes she would leave the house to he could get more into online dating.
Um, excuse us? What?
The pair sat down and he actually told her has thought about cheating on her. He is responding to women's requests on messenger and sending out feelers.
If that wasn't bad enough, OP wrote, "He said if I never give him sex he will look elsewhere. I feel so pressured now, but also I don't think I trust him. I don't know what to do."
As it turns out, the comment section had plenty of advice about what she could do.
Why exactly does she owe him anything?
According to the comment section, she doesn't, and he is crossing some very serious lines. There were a lot of ugly things thrown out there.
The first comment put it bluntly, but it wasn't out of left field. "You tell him to leave. He is, for all intents and purposes, raping you," it reads.
"I think you need counselling to see if your marriage is viable. You have NO requirement to have sex that you don't want, that's vile, but equally your DH doesn't have to stay in a marriage where you no longer want sex at all," another person wrote.
And then there was this comment: "So he sees you as a hole to F— and that's it. He raises you and you carry this massive burden on your shoulders and feel like you have to just put up and shut up?"
Oof, they said it.
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But is he totally off base to want sex in his marriage?
When people commit to a partner for the rest of their life, they are likely thinking about having sex with them for the rest of their lives too. Some people don't like OP's husband but still understand his desires.
"Op you absolutely don't have to have sex, but your husband doesn't have to stay in a sexless marriage either. Could you explore couples counselling? Does he want to online date just for sex or for intimacy in general?" one person asked.
Others agree they would be gone if they were in her husband's shoes.
"I would not stay in a sexless marriage. The reason for it doesn't really matter. You want a sexless life. He doesn't," one person wrote. "Your marriage is no longer viable. You really cannot expect someone to spend the only life they have without a massive part of life; sex and intimacy."
Others think that the solution is obvious and simple.
"You don't want sex, he doesn't want a life without sex. Both are reasonable, so now you decide if you break up the marriage or open up the marriage," someone suggested. "It's that simple, really."
OP, you need to protect yourself.
OP, Mumsnet users have a lot of opinions on your marriage. Some agree with you, and others think you're being unreasonable. But one thing is consistent with almost everyone — no means no. Your husband cannot just have sex with you if you are unwilling. That is a serious violation of you and your body. If you allow him to do what he wants, you are essentially telling him it is OK, which is 100% not the case.
Also, ultimatums are BS. It isn't his way or the highway. You have choices too. If you are unhappy in this marriage, you should leave. There is no reason for anyone to be miserable.
