Pregnancy loss is an intimate pain that only some people can truly understand. If you've never experienced it, there's no way of knowing how extreme the pain and grief can be. Even for a couple who experience pregnancy loss, the experience is so vastly different for the person who was pregnant versus the person who wasn't.
A grieving mom is trying to work through the feelings of anger she has toward her husband after he shared their pregnancy loss without talking to her about it first. She understands his reasoning, but the pain is still fresh.
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She had recently experienced a loss.
"Two weeks ago, I delivered my what was supposed to be healthy baby boy, as a stillborn," the woman wrote in her post in Reddit's Am I the A–hole forum.
She went on to explain that she and her husband had been going to the same place for breakfast every Sunday since they got engaged and always had the same teenage waitress each week.
"I didn’t want to go to get breakfast this week but my husband told me it would good if I felt up for it. After a long shower I decided I would go. I was dreading the questions from our waitress though, obviously she knew I was pregnant (delivered my baby at 37 weeks) and she had been so excited to meet him too. She asked for bump update pics all the time," she explained.
Her husband made a decision without talking to her first.
"when I got there, she was there, but didn’t say a word. She just kinda sad smiled at me but continued like usual. I was kinda shocked but I quickly realized that my husband had told her. In the car home he had admitted he called the place, asked for her, and told her that we unfortunately don’t have the baby and if she would be considerate enough to not ask then we would appreciate it," she continued.
"Of course the sweet girl obliged. But I don’t know why – it infuriated me," she confessed. "It was my birth. My body who did it. My heart who feels it. My decision to tell who I want to tell.
She started crying on the drive home. "I sobbed in the car and I could tell my husband felt bad," she wrote. "He made me feel bad for feeling bad. Idek. Is this mean to be mad about this?"
Many people told her she was not being a jerk.
The comments section was full of people who sympathized with the pain she was feeling and tried to offer her some comfort.
"Oh honey. He was trying to protect you so you wouldn’t have to talk about it. [No A–holes Here] I’m so sorry for your loss," one person wrote. "I feel like you prob felt a lack of control over what happened to your son and you wanted to feel in control of telling others and I get that."
"NAH – Sorry to the both of you for your loss – and especially you – we went [through] this with my first wife and it broke her," another person commented. "As sad as it was for the both of us, it was so much worse for her, as it was her body and soul that had to go through with it. I do think your husband thought he was doing the right thing, and maybe it was."
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Many people shamed her for not considering her husband's grief.
"Your husband actually did you a kindness. Imagine if she had walked up and stated asking about the baby?" one person pointed out. "You are not the only one who has had a loss. Your husband has, too. Be kind to him and yourself. Hold tight to each other."
"It was his baby, too. His heart feels it but he's also expected to take care of your feelings as well as his. He's also entitled to tell people about 'your' (as in the both of your) loss," another person commented.
"You're NTA but you are wrong in thinking it was only YOUR loss and YOUR heart that is breaking. The 'my body, so I get all the rights' attitude is unfair and unkind," someone else pointed out.
"You're the a–hole because you think along these lines 'It was my birth. My body who did it. My heart who feels it. My decision to tell who I want to tell,'" one person shared. "Your husband is human too, he has a heart too and it's not solely your loss, to manage it only as YOU see fit.
"You are dismissing him and his feelings and the words you're using paint a picture where you consider him less than human, less than you and that's not ok," the person continued. "The poor guy did absolutely nothing wrong by trying to avoid an unpleasant string of questions from the waitress that got to know you a little bit and was excited for you 2."
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