Teenage pregnancy is so hard. It always comes with difficult decisions that weigh on the head and the heart. There are several scenarios if a young woman decides to give birth to her baby but then gives it up for adoption. Some of those include the biological parents being in the child's life, and some do not. Every situation is different, and it is up to the individuals involved to do what's best for them.
One family is experiencing a situation with their adopted child's biological mother and is at a crossroads. The little girl, 11, was adopted by her grandparents, who are raising her as their own. Her father and mother were young and believed that the grandparents could give the child the best life. Now that she's older, her biological mother wants to be a part of her life. The girl's adoptive mother, however, is hesitant and went to Reddit's AITA forum for some help sorting things out.
The girl's biological mother was 18 when she had the baby.
The original poster explained that their son got a girl pregnant and that the decision to have the baby was a difficult one.
"My son (33M) got 'Erica' pregnant, who we knew as a daughter of a friend and she decided she didn't want the baby, my son didn't want the baby either…we offered to financially help Erica out, if we were able to adopt the baby as we'd always wanted another child but it never happened for us," OP explained.
OP and her husband paid Erica's rent for two years while she was in college. At the time they said that "maybe" Erica could meet the girl in the future.
The arrangement has worked out fine up until this point.
The family is thriving 11 years later, and the girl and her parents are happy. OP explained, however, that she and her son have a tumultuous relationship, and he wants nothing to do with his biological child.
"He doesn't want to be involved with our daughter but we see him and text him frequently enough, he visited us and told us Erica had asked to see our daughter — my husband had told her when she was pregnant that we MAY allow contact, but honestly we don't think that's best for our daughter at this stage," she wrote.
OP doesn't want to hurt her daughter.
OP is afraid that if she introduces her daughter to her biological mother, she will be confused and upset. The child is in therapy for anxiety, and OP thinks meeting her biological mother would only worsen the situation. OP's son thinks that his parents are acting terribly and that Erica has a right to meet her daughter.
"My son thinks I'm TA, Erica has a 2 year old now and said she "couldn't even imagine" how our daughter will feel when she does find out that Erica has a family, my son and Erica both believe I'm TA, but not only that Ericas parents that I've known for over 25 years are now refusing contact and insulting us to common friends saying they 'allowed' the adoption, but Erica has a right to know her daughter," OP explained.
This isn't the first time Erica has approached OP.
Three years ago, Erica asked OP to meet her biological daughter. At the time, OP said it wouldn't be good for her daughter. She said Erica could meet her when she's an adult and can handle the news. She said everything seemed to be OK then, but now, "suddenly everyone is losing their mind."
Did we mention that "the news" is the fact that she's adopted? That's right — the girl thinks her biological dad is her brother, and she has no idea that her parents are actually her grandparents.
Now OP wants to know if she is making the wrong choice by not allowing her daughter to meet her biological mother.
Redditors don't like OP's thinking at all.
People on the forum don't think it's fair that OP and her husband haven't shared that the little girl is adopted. They feel like she needs to know this information for several reasons, and withholding it is not OK.
"Agreed. Yta. My bff found out she was adopted when she was 12/13ish and it destroyed her relationship with her adoptive parents for a very long time," one person warned.
Others said this would be a disaster for OP if she shared her story in other Reddit forums.
"As someone who's a member of the adoption sub, I can offer the 99.9% of what the answer would be over there: HUUUGE YTA," one person commented.
"YTA It's been over 11 years? You plan to keep the truth from her until she's 18? Sounds more like you're worried that your adopted daughter will choose her bio family over you," another person chimed in. "I really hate when I read about adopted parents who do this because it's about them and not the child. This is a recipe for disaster that may end up with potential resentment and your adopted daughter not wanting anything to do with liars since she's going through life believing she's yours biologically."
What about the little girl's feelings?
One person could empathize with the situation from the child's viewpoint.
"Huge YTA. I'm adopted. You don't lie to someone about their identity for their whole life and then SURPRISE you're not who you think you are!" the person wrote. "It's devastating and it will take her YEARS to recover if she ever does. Tell her now in a safe, gentle way and get her therapy/support as soon as possible to help her process her feelings."
Some commenters warned that this could cause a lot of damage later on.
"And based on your comments you dont even see anything from the childs perspective. You dont like Erica (at least it really seems like you dont) thats fine, but your granddaughter DESERVES to know who her real parents are," one person shared. "You have her thinking that her dad is her brother, do you even realize how much thats going to mess her up? I won't be surprised if she never fully trusts you again. The most important person now is that child, who gives a f— about your sons feelings anymore, or your feelings?"
"Its not about you its about her and knowing her true self. Did you ever think her 'Anxiety' is cuz she knows something isnt right??" one person asked. "If you lo[v]e her and want whats best let her know her bio family. She may actually resent you as an adult for not telling her. Then you will be back on Reddit cuz she went NC with you and you dont understand why cuz you were 'protecting her.' GTFOH your protecting you and your feelings not hers!!!!"
Sorry OP, but you are not painting yourself in a great light.
More often than not, Redditors voted OP as an a–hole on this one. They think that she is being unfair to Erica and the little girl. They want her to think long and hard about what she is doing to her entire family and the long-term repercussions of her choices.
As one person warned: "You cannot lie to your daughter about this very big piece of information, and expect her not to be completely traumatized when she finds out. Lies always come out, and there's never a 'good time to tell.'"
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
