Dear Disconnected,
We all know that communication is key to sustaining a healthy relationship, and yet, it’s one of the biggest challenges couples have.
The truth is that men and women often communicate in very different ways, letting simmering resentments slip out instead of clearly expressing needs and seeking reasonable resolutions.
For example: You might ask a rhetorical (albeit notably huffy) question like, “How can you forget to take out the trash?” But what your partner actually hears is, “You’re irresponsible; I never forget to do my chores. I’m better than you!”
You might not mean that, but that’s what he hears.
Or your partner might toss out what he feels is a “joke” but what you feel is an insult. He then says, “Hey, I didn’t mean it like that! Where’s your sense of humor?” But what you hear is, “You’re too sensitive. Something is wrong with you. You’re blowing this out of proportion!”
Again, he might not have meant to insult you, but it feels like a sharp jab that leaves you feeling hurt and reactive.
All of this can change when you shift how you communicate. So where do you begin? Here are a few basic tools to help you and your partner communicate better and argue less.
Pick your battles.
If your partner is never going to learn to pick up their socks from the floor, because “neat” is just not who they are, is that the battle you want to fight, again and again? Probably not. While it might be annoying to have to pick up someone else’s clothes, it’s more annoying to be in a state of constant irritation that leads to frequent fights over it. Choose the issues that matter most, and seek to bring a “let it go” attitude to those that don’t.
Use 'I' statements.
You’ve heard this one before, but when you talk about what you are feeling, using "I" statements stops you from sounding as if you're blaming your partner, which can make them feel attacked. If you speak from the “I” perspective, you’re sharing how you feel, and your partner can’t argue with that.
Listen without interrupting.
Usually, when there’s a disagreement, the biggest problem is that nobody really listens to the other person. They’re too busy waiting for their turn to talk — or to blame/shame the other. However, if you both practice active listening, the amount of upset between you will decrease — fast.
To be an active listener, you must stop and listen. Put down your phone. Don’t reach for a bag of chips, or even twirl your hair. Give your undivided attention, try to concentrate on sharing your partner’s perspective while they are speaking, in genuine curiosity about how and why they feel the way they do. Try to understand what’s affecting them. Then it’s your turn to talk.
Stay in the present; don’t bring up the past.
Remember that fight you had about the time he forgot to introduce you at that party? Don’t bring it up. That’s right. Stick with the discussion at hand, and don’t relate the current situation to a past experience. Doing so will only heighten anger and derail a potential resolution.
Acknowledge what you hear.
Once you’ve gotten the hang of “active listening,” the next step is to acknowledge your partner’s feelings. Whether you think they are right or wrong, their feelings are valid. So, first say, “Thank you for sharing. I can see you are upset because ____________."
Fill in the blank to show you were truly listening, and then explain your position while also considering the situation from your partner’s point of view. I know this isn’t easy, but don’t you want the same consideration in return?
Clearly express your needs.
If you take nothing else from this, I implore you to clearly express your needs to your partner before a fight can even arise. What does this mean? Whether you want them to take out the trash or be more sensitive to the patterns of your monthly cycle — share your needs in a way that gives your partner a clear direction on how to meet them.
Remember you’re speaking to someone you LOVE.
The golden rule here is to speak to your partner as you’d want to be spoken to: with love, respect, and in a spirit of collaboration. Yes, you’re allowed to get things off your chest, but make a promise to keep a positive, loving attitude when discussing challenging topics!
Have a 'silly' safe word.
If all else fails and you’ve found yourselves in a nasty argument? Have a silly safe word to call out. This will signal that you’ll both take a break and return to the discussion when your emotions have calmed down. Shouting “thermometer” or “kitty cat!” can bring a moment of levity, and give you both an opportunity to seek a resolution at a later time without creating more hurt in the heat of the moment.
Remember, this isn’t all on you! Sit down and share these tools with your partner, and make a pact to collaborate as you learn to communicate in a healthier way.
By actually practicing these skills, I’m confident that your arguments can transform into loving, supportive, and productive conversations that truly resolve and evolve differences and disagreements.
Wishing you the best with this!
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?
I'm Thinking About Bringing Toys Into the Bedroom. Where Do I Start?
I Want to Push Boundaries in the Bedroom, But What If I Freak Out My Spouse?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
*Disclaimer: The advice on CafeMom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
