As a marriage life coach, I am a HUGE — and yes, I am yelling it — fan of couples going to marriage counseling/therapy, even when “nothing is wrong.” One day, I’ll write a piece about how I see those kinds of sessions as being similar to giving your car an oil change. I mean, think about it — if you decided to vow “until death parts us” and you actually meant it, that’s a really long journey. The good news is a professional can offer up tips and insights on how to reach your goal.
That doesn’t mean there still aren’t things that you can do at home to “check in” with one another, just to make sure that you’re both on the same page. That’s why I came up with a list of questions that I think couples should ask each other, each and every wedding anniversary (or at least around that time). Because, as a wise person once said, wisdom lies, not so much in having the right answers, but in asking the right questions. Ready?
1. What Do You Think About the Vows That We Took?
I know couples who have their original wedding/marriage vows posted somewhere in their home. Personally, I’m all about that because it’s kind of like having a relational mission statement being constantly in your presence. Here’s the thing, though — whether you’re able to look at your vows on a daily basis or you haven’t given them much thought since your wedding day, take a moment to really ponder them with your partner on your anniversary. How do you feel about what you said at the time? How good of a job do the two of you think you’re currently doing at keeping them? If you could rewrite your vows now, what would you add or take out?
A vow is a promise. Discussing the promises that you made and what your current perspectives on them may be can give you both some clarity on where you stand now as opposed to where you stood then. And that level of comprehension can be lifesaving for your marriage in the long run. Trust me.
2. How Have Your Relational Needs Shifted?
A friend of mine has basically been in a sexless marriage for the past five years. No matter how much I try to convey to her that their marriage is super unhealthy, she just shrugs it off (not good, y’all … not good). What she has shared with me is a big part of the issue is she’s changed a lot, sexually, over the years while her husband hasn’t seemed to have changed much at all. For her, she sees sex more as a spiritual connection rather than (merely) physical pleasure, while her husband still focuses mostly on getting a release. That has put her out of the mood. Problem is, rather than discussing it, she’s only complained. That has caused him to feel insecure which has only made her more defensive. Now a wall is up — and no sex is happening.
I will forever say that one of my favorite quotes on relationships is: “People change and forget to tell each other.” I also believe that one of the most amazing things about marriage is it’s about two individuals trying to stay together when they are ever shifting, changing, and evolving as individuals.
Listen, there’s no way that you’re going to know if your partner has the same set of needs that they had even six months ago, unless you ask them. Around your anniversary, as you’re celebrating how far the two of you have come … ask them.
3. Is Our Intimacy Where You Want/Need It To Be?
Speaking of sex and not making assumptions, when’s the last time you asked your spouse if they are, at the very least, content with where things are as far as physical intimacy is concerned? Although many studies say that spouses who have sex once a week are considered to have a healthy sex life (overall), every couple is different, right?
Besides, as we get older — and have been married longer — what worked 10 years ago can be very different now. One partner may want more spontaneity while the other may need more romance. One may need to feel more desired while the other may need some more creativity. You know, a husband once told me that he’s not a fan of lingerie right before sex because he says it’s basically a “Bat signal” that sex is coming: “I’d rather see my wife in it randomly because she wants to feel sexy not because she’s conveying some message that sex is on the schedule today.”
Know how I found that out? I asked him.
Sex is an essential part of a marriage. It just is. And in order for the sexual part of your relationship to thrive and flourish, you’ve got to make sure that you’re meeting each other’s current needs. Never assume what those are. Care enough to ask. Care even more to listen.
4. Do You Feel Like We Date Enough?
I know a married couple who’ve been together for over 30 years, never had a honeymoon and they still haven’t done anything to rectify it. The wife has mentioned it several times and the husband just keeps on putting it off. That’s a damn shame. It really is.
Life gets hectic. We all know that. There are only 24 hours in a day. We all know this, too. Yet if you don’t make the time to spend quality time with your partner, well, it’s basically like having a plant and not watering it — eventually the relationship is going to wither away and die.
Again, because every relationship is unique, I can’t say how much dating you and your partner need to be doing. What I will say is that less than once a month isn’t good enough. I will also say that dates can sometimes even be at home. A movie night. Dancing to some of your favorite throwback slow jams. Cooking together (naked if the kids are asleep). Bottom line — it’s not so much about the location (although a change of scenery is always a bonus) or how much money you spend. It’s about saying to your spouse, “Listen. I want to be with you and only you and I don’t want to wait until forever to do it.”
Dating isn’t something that should stop after your wedding day. If anything, it should happen more than ever after saying, “I do.” The wooing should increase as the commitment carries on.
5. What Should We Add to Our Marriage Bucket List?
Are you bored in your marriage? It’s nothing to feel ashamed of. In fact, it’s the thing that many people feel, yet are afraid to admit. Here’s what I want you to remember about boredom, though. The definition of it is “tedious repetition.” One way to overcome that is to try new things and one way to do that is to create a bucket list for your marriage.
People do it all of the time when it comes to their own individual lives, so why not come up with a list of things that you both want to accomplish within six months to a year at a time? What city do you want to visit? What activity do you want to try? What sex position do you want to, umm, attempt?
Something that I like a lot about marriage-themed bucket lists is — say that you and your partner decide to put 20 things on your list for the upcoming (marriage) year. If you come up with 10 and they come up with the other 10, not only can you learn some “I didn’t know you always wanted to do that” things about each other, but you both can pull out different parts of each other’s personalities by trying things that you probably wouldn’t attempt any other way. And before you know it — boom! Creativity and fun have come back into your marriage while boredom has thankfully taken a much-needed backseat.
6. Are We Doing a Good Job of Speaking Each Other’s Love Language(s)?
I’m thinking that at this point, most of us know what best-selling author Dr. Gary Chapman considers the five love languages to be, right? Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service. That said, two things that tickle me about them is, whenever I ask married folks if they know what their partner’s is, they usually assume and yet never ask. Second point — very few people believe that love languages can change over the years. Oh, but sometimes, they can do exactly that.
Another article for another time is the fact that one of the biggest causes for marital issues is people give each other what they want instead of what their partner actually needs. Since love languages are about expressing love in a way that your partner can best understand it — yes, every year, make sure you know what their two primary languages are. Also, don’t be surprised if the rank of them have shifted or if the languages have changed altogether. Hey, it happens.
7. What Do I Need To Prioritize More?
An article that I once checked out said this about priorities: “Prioritizing is about doing the most important thing first — once you understand how to spend your time, that’s when you can start to improve on it.” Surely, your spouse is important to you. Yet that’s a bit of a generalized resolve. What you really need to ask yourself is if what’s important to them is important to you — and if so, are you prioritizing those things in your own life?
It's not uncommon for one or both people in a marriage to feel like they are being taken for granted or that their needs are being dismissed. That’s what happens when folks fail to prioritize some of the specific things that their partner values. And for the record, sometimes prioritizing is about supporting them or giving them the space to focus on those priorities. My point is, what matters to your spouse should matter to you and vice versa. That’s a part of what being in a healthy relationship is all about.
8. What Do You Think Is Keeping Us Together?
One of my favorite movies is the late '90s Black rom-com (kinda) Love Jones. There’s a scene in it where the main character, Nina, is fully and finally breaking up with her fiancé and he says, “After all of these years?” to which she casually replies, “All we have are all these years.”
Listen, I am HUGE on integrity in vows. I believe words have value and sometimes, what keeps a couple going during the trying moments is nothing more than them honoring their word. At the same time, “all of these years” shouldn’t be the only reason you and your partner should remain together. In other words, it’s important to step back and evaluate (or reevaluate) what keeps you two going in the now. Knowing how you both see each other and understand your commitment in the moment can help you to cherish each other in a way that may be so much greater than how you felt, even on your wedding day.
Hearing each other express the motives and reasons for remaining together, after all this time, can help to provide you with the “fuel” to keep going … right into another anniversary year. One that will also be worth celebrating!
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
